Dear Ahhnold, she just made a little mistake!

Sumbitches stole my idea!

Some guy that Paris fucked named Joshua has started an online petition (because we all know how effective those are!) to counter the injustice of a famous person actually going to jail and to spare this national treasure of our mundane lives from being locked up with peasants. Paris put the link on her MySpace page. It's hysterical. I'm half wondering if this guy is joking and she thought it was for real. Either way, I'm sure Arnold is taking time off from his busy schedule of governing CallieFornEEEah to consider this riveting and important but unusual request.

Here's the petition:

To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger [I don't think that will ever look not weird]

Paris Whitney [Whitney?] Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. [We know, she's rich and spoiled. Not the best thing to point out while attempting to get her sympathy] She provides hope for young people [suffering from herpes] all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty [HAHAHAHA!!] and excitement [HAHAHAHAHAHA! ] to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives [Speak for yourself muthafucka, I have a can of baked beans, a donkey, and a bottle of lube waiting for me in the other room].

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax" [in which the only part worth watching was when she got a SPIKE THROUGH HER HEAD!] Paris is known best for her role as "Paris" in One Night in Paris, as "screaming drunk racist" in Paris Exposed, and as "Brandon Davis's laughing hyena" in Firecrotch. In addition to her work as an actress [HAHAHAHAHA!], she has achieved some recognition as a model [HAHAHAHAHAHA--STOP PLEASE, YOU'RE KILLING ME!], celebrity spokesperson [I'll give her that one: Sidekick, Valtrex], singer [HAHAHAHAHA!!!!], and writer [Ok. Now? I seriously wet myself]

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007. [We do know and most of us are laughing and/or celebrating]

We, the American public who support Paris [My guess "we" is: Joshua, Perez Hilton, Nicole, and Nicky. Unfortunately Greek shipping heirs don't count since they aren't American] , are shocked [nope], dismayed [nope] and appalled [hellllllno] by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong [Well, THESE GUYS needed a rest]. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. [Who does?] Paris should have been sober. [No shit] But she shouldn't go to jail, either.[Yes, she should]

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick [Mugshot] Nolte, Mel [Hates Jews] Gibson, Tracy [Who?] Morgan, Wynonna [Hi, I married pedophile so fuck you! I've been through enough!] Judd , to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. [BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T BEEN SENTENCED YET ASSHAT!]Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI [Ok, so ....this relates how?]was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED [As well as your point just was a moment ago] most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt [Um, STD'S], injure [STD's], or kill anyone [Do we have proof of that? I find it hard to believe that her album isn't responsible for at least a couple suicides] or anything ["anything?"], and yet she must do jail time. [Yup, that's what the JUDGE said!]

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career [?] and life. Everyone makes mistakes [Just ask Susan Smith!]. She didn't hurt or kill anyone [again, questionable.], and she has learned her lesson [Obviously not. She was caught driving TWICE. Or does she really, really mean it this time?]. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. [Nice try bitch] She is distraught and understandably afraid.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT [While you need a grip] to save our [She's ours?]Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error [You mean she's human?] and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), [Yeah, compare her to Watergate--that's a fantastic idea! I've decided about here that this guy isn't for real] we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand [He barely understands English] and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

My apologies if you just ate lunch

His tee says "MY WIENER IS HUGE IN JAPAN." How clever.

Where's a Samurai when you need one?

K-FED HAS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

Still attempting to hang on to his remaining :05 seconds, K-Fed posted the following on his website:

"Happy New Year everyone!! I hope you all had a safe and happy holiday! 2007 is going to be bigger & better...watch out! Stay tuned for a BIG surprise to be announced very soon!!!!!"


Did he get someone else pregnant? Is there going to be a Popozao, part 2?

Sadly, I have a feeling this is going to affect WWE fans like myself as it is rumored K-Fed is going to be hired as a "manager" to one or two wrestlers. It is the perfect niche for him. Where else can you get a job where you can make money getting beat up and having people boo you?

A 20-minute close-up of Gene Snitsky's back would have been more entertaining.

Ok, are we done now? Please? No more K-Fed, please! Hopefully I think they may be moving on now since Vince McMahon called out Donald Trump last night, trying to now get in on the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell spat. Um, yeah, a bit late on that one too dude. You really need to hire better writers (ones that don't ask how they make the blood look so real). Call me.

So anyway, for those that didn't watch: They wasted 20 minutes on K-Fed coming into the ring and getting ready for the big fight. Then Cena laughed at him and threw him around for awhile but then all these other people interfered and ganged up on Cena and K-Fed was able to take advantage of the situation and pin Cena for the win. Of course later in the show Cena got his revenge- he FU'd (his signature move, get it?) K-Fed---just like he did the first time K-Fed was on Raw a couple months ago. Stupid, predictable, waste of time. My boyfriend Edge so got gypped out of screen time because of this shit. Although, I will say, the "We Want Britney" chants were funny.

wwe

Everyone be sure to only refer to him as K-Fed

So K-Fed was on WWE Raw frickin' again last night (Please Vince, it couldn't cost that much to buy out whatever dates he's contracted for!) to promote his gimmick match with John Cena on New Year's Day. He kept saying over and over how he does not want to be called K-Fed anymore and that he wants to only be known as Kevin Federline (watch video) Personally these days, I think he should be thankful if people refer to him as Assmunch Poopypants, so long as they are referring to him at all.

So stupid. This is like when J-Lo wanted to be Jennifer Lopez, and when Puff Daddy wanted to be P. Diddy and then just Diddy, and when Tom Cruise wanted Katie to be Kate. Enough with the stupid "I will now be referred to...." crap, especially when you don't even have the talent to backup your asshatness. Oh, and K-fed, get your damn weasel-face off wrestling bitch! I'd rather look at Snitsky's backne.

In related news - Edge and Orton beating the shit out of DX - HOT!