They grow up so fast!

So weird. I was just watching "School of Rock" yesterday and then today I found out that the kid that played Zach was busted for underage DUI last month. What the hell? Those kids aren't supposed to age, let alone grow up to be dumbasses!

17-year old, Joey Gaydos Jr. released an apology to TMZ.com:

"Some of you may have seen video footage of me on shows like TMZ, or your local news regarding an unfortunate incident I had a few weeks ago.

The first thing I would like to say is, I made a HUGE mistake, and I really regret my actions. What I did was wrong, and all I can say is, I'm sorry to anyone I may have let down, I'm only human, and we ALL make mistakes.

To everyone who has supported me through this I would like to say, THANK YOU, it really means a lot."

Sounds like he's not letting the man get him down.

Because I Got High: Michael Phelps Edition

(hit play and sing along with the lyrics below)

I was gonna swim the race, until I got high
I was gonna win it and take first place, but then I got high
But I already got eight medals, so why even try? (why man?)
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high

I was gonna do some laps before I got high
I coulda' backstroked and freestyled fast, but I got high
Now my gills will fester and I know why, (why man?)
'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna make a protein shake, until I got high
I was gonna watch my fat intake, but then I got high
Now I got the munchies and want a pizza pie
Does Dominos
still have
the 5-5-5?

I was gonna sign some autographs, but I was high,
I was gonna pose for photographs, but I was high
Instead I’m on my couch watching Bill Nye, (who man?)
The Science Guy
The Science Guy
The Science Guy

I made a public apology, because I got high
I said I was ashamed and sorry, because I got caught--I mean high
Now I'm losing all my endorsements, and I don’t know why
I just got high
I just got high
I just got high

I really wasn’t planning to smoke that infamous night
I was just hanging out with some folks and I was shy
They passed that bong my way, gave me a high-five
(and yelled!)
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!

I'm not putting on my spandex thong, because I'm high
The only water’s in my bong, because I'm high
And I don’t give two shits, wanna know why? (why man)
'cuz I'm a rich guy
I’m a rich guy
So I’m getting high

They're real, and they're unspectacular!

Apparently there was recently a rumor that Katy Perry had breast implants. (I didn't hear it either, but then I tend to tune out everything about this annoying bitch.)

Katy set the record straight to The Sun, "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!"

So if they were free???

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The Batshit Report

Joaquin Phoenix recently stated that he is ending his acting career.

To let us all know that he wasn't kidding, at the LA premiere of his film Two Lovers, he wrote "Good Bye" across his knuckles.

When asked about his decision, Joaquin said,"I think it's just moving on. It's rediscovering something else. It's like greener pastures, you know what I mean? And so, I'm just going to try and like, I'll just be doing the other thing ... Hopefully, I will emotionally impact you with that, as well."

Ummmm, yeah ok Joaquin. Good luck with all that. Or is it "Luck Good"?

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Flea Bomb maybe...

So one of the Kardashians who isn't Kim, Khloe, was arrested on drunk driving charges and served her three hour sentence Friday. She was supposed to serve 30 days, but her time was reduced due to overcrowding and because she posed a threat to the prison population, or so she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show this morning.

Are you ready for this? Khloe said, "There was a bomb threat. They put me in solitary confinement and the warden came down to talk to me and said, 'You're the one causing all the problems here. ... There are all these bomb threats, and we think they're because of you.'"

Khloe also said she had to watch an "intense" instructional video about "how to be a good inmate" and to avoid fights and getting a staph infection.

Write your own joke.

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Axl really did call the FBI

I'm loving all this Axl news lately! So now there is an actual FBI investigation into the nine leaked Guns N' Roses tracks that circulated online last week.

Kevin Skwerl, the blogger responsible for putting up the nine rumored songs from Chinese Democracy on the website Antiquiet.com last week, told Rolling Stone how he received a recent visit from the FBI.

Kevin told the mag that he was "ambushed" by two federal agents on Monday after he admitted to posting the songs on the blog. He claims he received the tracks from "an anonymous online source."

He said, "When I came back from lunch they were waiting in the lobby for me. It's a little creepy they know where I work."

Um, yeah Kevin, that's usually how the FBI works!

He was then questioned for 15 minutes. The agents asked to see the original files, but Kevin had already erased them after Axl's lawyers instructed him when they contacted him shortly after they appeared online.

No word on whether if in addition to the FBI, Axl also called the president, a private eye, or the IRS.

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Smoke 'em if you got 'em Amy!

Amy Winehouse has been in a London hospital for problems with her lungs which have been described as "scarring of the lungs which could lead to emphysema." She's 24!!! Doctors say if Amy continues smoking that she will have emphysema.

She left the hospital for a few hours yesterday to rehearse for her upcoming performance at Nelson Madela's birthday party, shop for some new ballet slippers, and what was it? Oh yeah, smoke a couple ciggies!

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No Emmy until Lindsay says so

Earlier this week, Queen Bitch of the World, Katherine Heigl pulled herself out of consideration for an Emmy for her role on Grey's Anatomy, because, well, she's a bitch.

Now Lindsay Lohan is following suit, and taking herself out of the Emmy race for her ground-breaking and award-worthy 45 second guest spot on Ugly Betty. (in case you missed it, the clip is above. Brace yourself though, it's THAT good.) Lindsay reportedly doesn't want to jinx her chances for winning an Emmy next year for one of the five episodes she'll appear in.

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Asshat of the Week

So Brooke Hogan was in a car accident Sunday. It wasn't her fault. Another car that was speeding hit her car and pushed it into a concrete wall while she was driving on the Bayside Bridge in Clearwater, Florida. No charges have been filed in the accident.

There were no injuries and Brooke's 2008 four-door Mercedes had $3,000 damage.

So here's why Brooke's Asshat of the Week.

Brooke posted a message on her MySpace page (which has since been removed) referencing her brother Nick's accident (you know, the one that he's serving time for for reckless driving and that left his friend John Graziano paralyzed in the hospital?) and she even goes as far as to credit Nick and John with saving her and her passenger's lives by reminding them to put on their seatbelts.

"I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves . . . As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight."

Thank god for John!!! If not for him getting crushed to the point of most likely having to spend the rest of his life in a nursing home, Brooke might have been hurt and the world would be denied of her beauty and angelic voice!

Seriously? You fucking idiot!

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Who got it worse?

George Bush throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals home opener game?:




Or John Cena at the WWE Hall of Fame Ceremony?:

GRAMMAR LESSON OF THE DAY

Incorrect use of an apostrophe:

CORRECT:

For further reading: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_apost.html

Daisy is lovely

Speaking of Jack Daniels and cocaine, here's a photo from the Myspace of the beautiful and talented Daisy from Rock of Love. TMZ posted it today and I had no idea she was Oscar DeLaHoya's niece!!! Wassagoin'on with me? Daisy sang a heart-wrenching version of the national anthem on this week's show. Why doesn't Oscar have her sing before his fights?

If you ever get bored, a good way to pass the time is to look at the MySpace pages of the contestants of Rock of Love and Flavor of Love. I said a good way, not a productive way.

I call Daisy and Kristi Jo for top two!

Next stop: Harvard!

Jamie Lynn Spears has received her Good Enough Diploma!!! PEOPLE reports that Jamie passed her high school equivalency exam about a month ago and is even now looking to take the ACT college entrance test.

A friend said, "She's already got her diploma. She wants to take her ACT. She's not wasting any time. People don't know her. When she gets something in her head, she'll make it happen. Everybody is so supportive of her."

Congrats Jamie Lynn, y'all learnded real good!

Proof that collagen is bad for your brain

Poor Joan Rivers.

First Lisa Rinna steals her red carpet gig on the TV Guide Channel, now she's also stolen her not knowing shit shtick.

I can't wait!!!!

Be prepared to your mind blown. That's right!! Pop sensation Heidi Montag has another music video coming out soon!!

Heidi's boyfriend and producer extraordinaire, Spencer Pratt told PEOPLE that the video will be out "within the month," and be more conceptual (Personally, I don't know how that's possible) but still “very simple, [and] very entertaining, just like the last one.” He also said that thing about it blowing people's minds. (Insert your own oral joke.)

While you twitch waiting eagerly for the follow-up to Higher, enjoy this gem I stumbled on at TelevisionWithoutPity.com. My favorite part is when the interview turns to religion and Heidi talks about how she's a non-denominational Baptist.

Stupid Pregnant Jessica Alba Quote of the Day

"I wish to God that my dad spoke Spanish to my brother and me, but he didn't grow up with it. Hopefully I can pick it up because I want my kids to speak Spanish. I don't even want them to speak English for maybe the first two to three years, until pre-school. We're in the United States so they're going to learn it anyway."

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Harvard is Hot!

Harvard awarded Paris Hilton the "Woman of the Year" award yesterday.

Well, sort of. They gave her the Lampoon Woman of the Year award, which is a spoof on Harvard's actual Man and Woman of the Year awards which are given out by Harvard's Hasty Pudding Theatricals acting group. Those awards are presented annually to actors who've made a "lasting and impressive contribution to the world of entertainment." (The Lampoon award? Not so much) This year's recipients of those awards will be Charlize Theron and Christopher Walken.

But let's let Paris have her day!!! The idiot actually thought she was seriously being honored. It's almost as awesome as when Michael Jackson thought he won that artist of the millennium award that year on the MTV awards.

On her award Paris (who arrived an hour late to the ceremony) said, "Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine standing here, standing on the steps of the Harvard Lampoon. It's really exciting and I've had such a great time."

Congrats moron!

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In da mall

While in Scottsdale, Arizona for the Superbowl last week, 50 Cent was forced to leave the Fashion Square Mall after security guards objected to members of his crew carrying guns and other weapons. 50 and his entourage obliged to the request from police to leave and no one was shot nine times.

I don't blame them for bringing weapons to the mall. I never go to my local mall without my semi-automatic. No bitches cut in front of me at the Orange Julius anymore!

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Do we really need proof that Kellie Pickler is not smarter than a 5th grader?

Screw this game, I want to see Kellie Pickler and fellow Mensa candidate Sherri Shepherd play each other in Russian Roulette.

It would go like this:

Kellie: "Is Russia a country ? Ah don't undurstand, how do y'all fit a country on a Rou-lette wheel?"

Sherri: "Well it's flat so you can just lay it on top."

Deal A Feel

That Richard Simmons is one crazy nut!

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