I don't get it

Why didn't Britney just pay the damn $150?

Why couldn't the jury reach a decision?

Why are they spending taxpayers' money on this?

Why did this even go to trial in the first place?

Why is this news?

Why do I care?

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NOOOO!

This one makes me really sad if it's true. It just sucks to hear this stuff about certain people.

Bill Murray's wife, Jennifer, has filed for divorce and claims some of the reasons are because he is a sex and drug addict who cheated on and physically abused her. Court docs claim Bill "hit his wife in the face and then told her she was 'lucky he didn't kill her' " Jennifer has also requested a restraining order.

They did have a pre-nup for $7 million and she also has asked the court to determine if it is valid. She will make out pretty well if it is.

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Britney shows up to court!

Britney and Kevin are in court RIGHT THIS MINUTE for the latest hearing in their custody battle. I just can't stand the excitement!!!

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I have to give her some credit though, she has been trying and she's been looking a lot better lately, here she is in a scene from her upcoming return to How I Met Your Mother:

Doogie looks so pissed.

(Neil recently said on Britney's possible return: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed. I worry that if they start Will and Grace-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. And we’re all really proud of the content of the show.”)

Britney has a brother?

Did anyone know that Britney even had a brother?

Yup, his name is Bryan and he's 30 years old. He's come out of hiding (can you blame him?) to take on the responsibility of being co-trustee of Brit's $100 million fortune!

According to court documents, a clause in Britney's SJB revocable trust named Bryan and NY attorney Ivan Taback as successor co-trustees, if Britney stops being a trustee. Having been deemed "legally disabled" by the court, Britney was stripped of her rights as trustee. So Bryan and Ivan are now responsible for paying for Britney's bills, everything from"continued security, medicine, food, other day-to-day expenses and for psychiatric and other medical services." Neither party can do anything without "unanimous consent" with the other to act. They also are not allowed to sell or lease Britney's home without a court order, or remove any of Britney's property from California. That includes weaves.

Britney's father Jamie is still co-conservator and will remain so until March 10.

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Britney gives deposition

Wow, first Lindsay wears underwear and now Britney Spends actually showed up for her deposition today!

And she went inside!!!

Brit showed up at K-Fed's attorney's office at 10:40a.m. this morning and stayed for over two hours, leaving at 1:20p.m.

The deposition will be used in the custody trial which is set for April.

No word on the details or which of Britney's personalities gave the deposition.

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Does anyone even give a crap about this guy anymore?

Remember when Akon threw that fan off the stage at one of his concerts earlier this year? Yeah, everyone does right? Except for maybe Akon. Well ok, maybe he does, he didn't mean it.

Akon plead not guilty to charges of endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment stemming from the fan-throwing incident in Fishkill, NY in June. The fan apparently threw something at Akon, who then ordered the teen be brought up onstage and proceeded to hoist him up on his shoulders and throw him back into the audience. The thrown fan landed on another teen, who reported she suffered a concussion.

Akon's lawyer Benjamin Brafman, attempted to use the Axl Rose defense in court today saying that, "It was never Akon's intention to violate the law. This unfortunate incident was a spontaneous reaction during a live concert that Akon deeply regrets."

So he regrets it, he's still guilty!

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Holy shit!! Remember her?

Remember American Idol Season 4? Of course you do! That's when we were introduced to America's still-reigning country sweetheart, Carrie Underwood. Oh, and remember when Bo Bice did that awesome a cappella number on the finale and then nobody bought his albums? And of course, how can we forget the daterape eyefucks of the fabulously douchy Constantine?

But how about Jessica Sierra? You may not remember her as well as the others. She finished tenth that year and hasn't really done much since.

Unless you count getting arrested for battery (she threw a cocktail glass at a bar patron's head) and cocaine possession back in April, that is. Take a look at her mugshot! It looks like one of those websites where they show what meth does to a person over time. She's only 22!

After pleading no contest to the charges yesterday in court, Jessica received 12 months of probation. If she successfully completes her probation, the charge will be removed from her record. (Unfortunately the mug shot will not)

Poor Jessica. Where's a disgraced C-List drug addicted celebrity to go in this day and age?

VH1 of course!! Jessica is going to be one of the contestants on VH1's newest celebreality show set in rehab for "stars" with drug and alcohol problems!! Cool! It'll be like Intervention, but with people we actually semi-care about! May we be so lucky to have Danny Bonaduce on that crapfest too?

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Law and Chaotic Order Chapter 532: Britney gets ADD

Britney Spears, come on down!! You just failed your court-appointed drug test!

Which means, it's time to play

Pick A Drug To Blame Your "False-Positive" On!



Britney: "Let's go with Provigil. I take it for my narcolepsy."

EEENNNTTTT!!!

Bob: "I'm sorry Britney, but that drug would not show up on a court-ordered drug test."

Britney: "Shit. Ok, how about Albuterol? I take that for my...um....my......."

Lawyer: "Asthma moron."

Britney: "Asthma moron."

Bob: "Are you calling me a moron young lady?"

Britney: "No Mr. Barker, my lawyer is."

Bob: "Can we just see the answer please?"

ENNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Bob: "I'm sorry but that is wrong also. Albuterol is not an amphetamine and your failllll---um, false positive was caused by an amphetamine. You have one more chance to choose your defense."

Britney: "OOHH Cheetos are up there, can I have those?"

Lawyer: "No! Adderall."

Britney: "I mean Adderall."

Bob: "Wait, so you have ADD now in addition to narcolepsy and asthma?"

Britney: "No silly, that's what my lawyer is saying to cover up the speed!"

Lawyer: "I quit."

Bob: "Let's see how you did Britney. Adderall is.............."

DING DING DING!!!

Bob: "CORRECT! Congratulations Britney, you have won the ADD medication defense to use in court tomorrow!"

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Can we please get it right this time?

A Las Vegas judge decided yesterday that there is sufficient evidence for O.J. Simpson and five other men to go to trial on the sports memorabilia armed robbery/kidnapping charges following that hotel incident back on September 13th. O.J. will be tried on TWELVE counts including kidnapping and aggravated robbery and if found guilty, he may face life in prison.

The trial dates have not been set but it is expected to begin in the summer of 2008. You listenin' E?

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More Crazy Celebrity Divorce Hijincks

Former Baywatch babe Donna D'Errico collapsed in the restroom of a Los Angeles courtroom on Friday after complaining of breathing problems. This happened in the middle of court proceedings to determine how assets should be divided in her divorce from Nikki "I died" Sixx of Motley Crue.

Donna requested the hearing be delayed Thursday, the day before she collapsed, citing her health condition and also because she doesn't have a lawyer (HUH?! You crazy?). The judge denied the request and forced Donna to represent herself Thursday and Friday.

Sources say that her voice was so hoarse that she was barely audible in court.

Paramedics were called after Donna's collapse and she was able to walk out unassisted. Donna is going with the Marie Osmond explanation that her breathing issues were related to asthmatic bronchitis aggravated by recent wildfires near her home.

Meanwhile Nikki has had his friends spy on Donna and testify in court that they have seen her out and about at such places as a church, a restaurant, and a sporting goods store. They also spotted her walk up a long stairway at a beach. I guess this is because he thinks she's lying about being sick?? Church? THAT BITCH!

On the fainting incident Nikki said, "She fainted, so what? Did she overdose and die and come back? No? Well I did. So there."

Nikki is also considering writing a book and accompanying soundtrack about the divorce trial titled "The Gold-digging Bitch Diaries."

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No Britney deposition video

To TMZ's dismay, Britney Spears's lawyer has successfully stopped the videotaping of her deposition today in the progress-report hearing in the custody battle with K-Fed. L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon made the ruling this morning after Brit's lawyer, Thomas Dunlap argued that a leak of the video to the media would cause "undue embarrassment" for the Britney.

He has a point, Britney creates so much embarrassment on her own that any additional embarrassment from any other source would be undue.

I'm hoping someone has a cameraphone.

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Brit and K-Fed learnin' parentin'

A source told PEOPLE that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first court-ordered Parenting Without Conflict session at the Beverly Hills Hotel today.

Parents are encouraged but not required to take the course together. There will be six sessions to the course and it will teach communication skills and cooperative parenting.

Only six sessions? Do they realize who is taking the course?

In addition, Britney is required to complete three individual counseling sessions "to address parenting issues."

Still.

Asshat Hollywood has obtained a course outline of the Parenting Without Conflict curriculum:

Session One: "Auto Safety - this does NOT mean letting your infant drive"

Session Two: "Nutrition Part 1 - Red Bull does not give children wings, it gives them cavities"

Session Three: "Nutrition Part 2 - Cheetos do not count as dairy"

Session Four: "When mommy and daddy fight, the only winner is the paparazzi"

Session Five: "How to prepare your children for the ridicule they will face from their peers thanks to having asshats like you for parents"

Session Six: "Auto Safety - this does NOT mean letting your infant drive (just making sure..)"

Britney gets her kids back...for now

Gimmie, gimmie more Halloween candy.

Britney Spear's lawyer has confirmed to TMZ that Britney has regained visitation rights with her children, however would not elaborate on the details. There will be another custody hearing on Friday.

Oh Britney......

TMZ reports that L.A. County Commissioner Scott Gordon issued an order yesterday suspending all Britney's visitation rights until she complies with all court orders.

This came about after K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, went to court yesterday for an emergency hearing.

Britney will now have to wait until her next court date of October 26.

What will she do now? Yeah, probably go to Starbucks.

Seriously, will somebody help her??

1152

That's how many hours Kiefer Sutherland will serve in jail for his drunk driving charges last month. Keifer was sentenced yesterday after pleading no contest and will serve 30 of the days for the the DUI and 18 days for violating his probation for the last conviction he got for driving drunk. He also has to attend alcohol education classes for 18 months and alcohol therapy sessions for six months. Kiefer is also not allowed to drive for six months.

So let this be a lesson drunken celebs - HIRE A MOTHERFUCKING DRIVER! I will never understand that, they can afford it!

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Lindsay Surrenders to the Po-po

Lindsay Lohan surrendered to Beverly Hills police yesterday afternoon, facing up to the charges for driving under the influence and the hit-and-run back in May. She arrived with her attorney and was released on $30,000 bail about an hour later. Her court date is set for Aug. 24 in Superior Court in Beverly Hills.

Lindsay was cited back then but hadn't been officially arrested until now. She waited this long so as not to clash with Paris and Nicole Richie's trials and sentences. (Because that would be, like, so embarrassing!)

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Let's all laugh at Joe Francis in handcuffs!

We know it's you Joe! How's it feel to be the one embarrassed in public? He is shown here coming out of Federal Court in Panama City, Florida where he plead guilty today to one count of criminal contempt.

He faces three more weeks of jailtime so insecure college girls with stripper dreams--- drink up and head to beach!

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Kramer won't show up in fake court

Gloria Allred and the lawyer for Michael Richards are trying to work out the details for a "mock trial" tomorrow at Loyola Law School. The meeting is proposed to be a face-to-face of Richards and the four black audience members who were the subject of his racial slurred tirade at a stand-up performance at the Laugh Factory last November. All parties involved, including Richards, want this " opportunity to sit down and talk, " but disagree on whether this "trial" should be public (Allred wants) or private (Richards wants) and whether or not cameras should be allowed. Since it is scheduled for tomorrow and there doesn't appear to be a resolution, Richards most likely will not show, though the Loyola courtroom has been rented.

A "mock trial?" Didn't they do that on the Brady Bunch?

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