Can we get an EPT test just to make sure?

Last week, there were rumors that Paris Hilton was pregnant after photos spread of her allegedly sporting a baby bump. Paris seems to have squashed those rumors by drinking and smoking in Vegas Friday night while filming her new stupid reality show where girls that were deemed "too low class" for Flavor of Love and Rock of Love compete to become Paris's BFF.

Paris reportedly drank pink champagne at dinner and vodka, tequila, and smoked cigarettes later that night at Vegas nightclubs.

I'm not celebrating yet. Personally I think people are giving the skank way too much credit to think she wouldn't drink and smoke if she were pregnant. I mean, the bitch doesn't feed her pets and keeps them in the closet.


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Hug A Midget Today!

What do you get when your child's a.....brat?

In news that's too strange not to true, Paris Hilton was recently nice to an Oompa-Loompa.

Paris was at Cameo nightclub in Miami last Friday night at an event that featured a performance of Jeff Beacher's Madhouse with three Oompa-Loompa characters in costume. One of the Oompas, Robin Sherwood is friends with Paris.

Oompa-Loompas are apparently all the rage in Miami because during the performance a mob rushed the stage.

I'm going to repeat that. People rushed the stage during an Oompa-Loompa performance.

Nope, still don't get it. Maybe they were on acid?

Anyway, Robin's leg was badly but during the Oompa-Loompa-Hoopla and Paris stayed with him until the ambulance came.

A source said, "Yes, Paris Hilton stayed with him until an ambulance came to take care of him. ... Paris was great, she was there until he was turned over to the medical technicians." That's it? She waited for an ambulance with a bleeding little person?

Robin was released after getting stitched up at the hospital.

PEOPLE also reports that Robin also desperately needs a kidney transplant and Paris and sister Nicky have supported a foundation to facilitate the operation. They supported? Big hairy deal. They have millions, they could buy the Oompa a damn kidney.

Ok, ok, that's nice. Are you happy now? Even though we know Paris is only being nice because the Oompa Loompas threatened to send her down the "Bad Egg" shoot.


In other Be Kind to Little People news, Hulk Hogan took some time off from his divorce woes to save a Leprechaun from a really stupid wrestling match.

"Don't give any of that gold to Linda!"

Hotel Rwanda Hilton

Continuing (to appear) to make good on her promise of post-prison philanthropy, Paris Hilton is planning to visit Rwanda later this year. She has reportedly been invited by Scott Lazerson, whose year-old Playing for Good charity assists celebrities in getting involved with organizations that benefit those in need.

"I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern," she said. "I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues."

Dammit Paris, you are making it harder for me to make fun of your skanky ass when you pull shit like this!

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Catching Up With the Asshats

I know, I'm slacking again. Ok so wow, lots to catch up on with the asshats so lets get started.

So first off in Do We Care? news, the wedding of Usher and futurebabymama Tameka Foster is off. It was supposed to happen this past Saturday, but only hours before they called it off. No one really knows who called it off. Some say Usher, some say Tameka, some say Usher's mother, some say who gives a shit. They supposedly disagreed on lots of the wedding details. For instance, Tameka wanted to serve barbeque at the reception and Usher wanted a celebrity chef (I'm not kidding, it's on PEOPLE so it must be true) Also, Usher wanted to go shirtless and Tameka didn't like that idea (That's not on PEOPLE, but I'm going with it.) All I know is, good for them! It's refreshing that they realized they were making a mistake before they went through with it and then brought a child into the world. Oh wait. Well anyway, somewhere Chili is laughing and that warms my heart because Chili is awesome. No scrubs!

In more ex-couples news, Britney and K-Fed's divorce has been finalized. That's right ladies, Kevin Federline is a free man!! Goddammit, there are crickets in here! They agreed to a 50-5o custody split of their two sons. So 50 percent of the time K-Fed gets the kids and the other 50 percent Child Protective Services will get the children. It's kind of sad, who would have predicted while watching Chaotic that it would come to this. They seemed so in love.

At a recent concert, a female fan grabbed Tim McGraw's balls. His wife, Faith Hill was having none of that. She got onstage, grabbed a mic and proceeded to rip the fan a new one in front of the entire arena: "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend,. You don't go grabbin' somebody else's, somebody's husband's [private parts], you understand me? That's very disrespectful." Well, I guess she sort of ripped her a new one, more like politely tore in a nice neat line, like those people that unwrap presents and go "Oh, what nice paper." She should have beat her ass like Whitney would have back in the day if some ho tried that with BobbAY. But thumbs up Faith, way to tell that bitch you are the only one who manhandles Tim's cojones in the classiest way possible. Too bad you couldn't use the same restraint when Carrie Underwood won the CMA.

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The Church of $cientology would like to welcome its newest member, Story Elias, the newborn son of Jenn Elfman. The kid was actually born on July 23rd but it was a silent birth and Jenna wasn't sure how long she was supposed to stay silent.

Just in case you missed it, she named the kid Story. Yeah.

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Now for the McConaughey report:

Still shirtless, hot, and active.


And now, a reason for all the new moms to feel really shitty about their post-baby bodies:
Jamie Pressley just had a baby like what, yesterday? Yeah, go do some crunches you lazy bitches!



Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie musical called Repo! The Genetic Opera. The film is set in 2056 and centers around a mysterious plague that threatens the survival of the human race, and things hinge on the financing of an expensive organ transplant.

Paris will play the part of the mysterious plague.

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Don't Free Paris!

Paris Hilton is going to JAIL!!!! The judge sentenced her to 45 days in the slammer.

Her defense attorney Howard Weitzman said he would appeal. He said, "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years." He added that it was "uncalled for, inappropriate and bordered on the ludicrous. I think she's singled out because of who she is."

Um, I think her attorney was hoping they'd let her off the hook because of "who she is." Asshat! Oh well, at least he got a blowjob out of it.

That judge gets my award for awesome person of the week! (sorry Blake, but Paris behind bars beats beatboxing over You Give Love a Bad Name. )

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What the Fuck?

This is an anti-drunk driving Public Service Announcement called"Paris Hilton Autopsy." Artist Daniel Edwards, created this life-size clay sculpture of a naked and dead Paris on a coroner's table to teach the impressionable youth of today that life isn't all tiaras and cocaine when it comes to drunk driving. Edwards said the work is meant to counter of "the disturbingly glamorized trend of Hollywood's girls gone wild."

Tinkerbell's alive though so all is good.

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Did Prince call out Paris?

"Hey, you!! The skanky ass bitch, get your ass up here!"

FROM TMZ:
' Prince challenged Paris to a sing-off at his Las Vegas show -- and Paris Hilton couldn't step up, if a report in Us is to be believed. The hotel heiress was in the audience at Prince's Club 3121 show at the Rio Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, and Prince invited her onstage. When, according to Us, she skipped up to take her place in the spotlight, Prince handed her a mic and called out to the crowd, "Let's see if she can really sing," a challenge that so dismayed Paris that she ended up ditching the stage and leaving just two songs later. Paris' rep denies the incident. '


If this is true, Prince is the awesomest person to ever be awesome. But it's probably not since he's all religious and shit now.

Ever wish you could have Paris Hilton cooties of your very own?

There is an auction on Ebay for a hamper that supposedly belonged to Paris Hilton. You can see the actual listing here. The opening bid is $50.00 and no one has bid yet.

The description reads:

This is truly PARIS HILTON HAMPER, where she kept all her dirty laundry.

The item comes with a certificate of authenticity from Star Style, who ran a Paris Hilton auction that included furniture and this piece. The Paris Hilton hamper is in excellent condition.

This is your chance to share in Paris' dirty laundry. No DNA found inside but maybe you have a better investigator. Valtrex sold separately.

The best part is the certificate of authenticity (click to enlarge):

So let's get to bidding people!

Paris lost her viginity to Steve Sanders' little brother?

Randy Spelling claims that he popped Paris Hilton's cherry (Although, technically-speaking, with skanks, cherries don't exactly pop, they kind of just rot away but anyway...).

He said, "We were together for like two months. We went to Palm Springs once for the weekend, and we couldn't check into the hotel under her name because her grandma was looking for her. She was like 15; I was 17. And what do you know, I hear this knock-knock-knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma's there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course. We broke up like a week later."

Randy also mentioned what happened he ran into Paris in a nightclub, "She came up to me and she was like, 'I want to say hi to Randy.' She was like, 'Randy took my virginity. I want to say hi.'"

Please, like she probably tells everyone she's a virgin, by 15 she must have had like least 14 lovers and three videos.

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Whose hasn't she?

Apparently, after receiving some oral fun (and god knows what diseases) from Paris Hilton, Inver was so excited he ran right out,got some spray paint, and decided to tell the world, or at least Melrose Avenue, all about it.

I sure hope this doesn't start a trend. I'd feel really bad for Californians if every guy Paris has had her mouth on spray painted it on a building. Los Angeles would look like the opening sequence in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

FROM TMZ

Why don't they ever put her in jail?

So Paris was stopped by the cops last night around 10:30. She was at the Virgin (ha!) Megastore in West Hollywood. She pulled out of the parking lot and forgot to turn her headlights on. She never turned them on and continued to speed down Sunset. When the cops pulled her over they discovered her license was suspended. She was issued a citation and her $200K Bently was towed away and impounded.

What's that saying? The cars running but the headlights aren't on. No, the lights are on but there's no one home. No, that's not it either. I know there's the dear one, but that doesn't apply. Oh nevermind.

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No Cody, No!

PAGE SIX:
' February 28, 2007 -- KATHIE Lee Gifford and her son, Cody, 17, don't agree on an important issue. Which bimbo should he date - Paris Hilton , Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan? Jimmy Kimmel asked the teen that question on his ABC late-night talk show this week. Before Cody could respond, Kathie Lee jumped in: "I would prefer Britney. I've known Britney since she was 15 years old. I am one of those people who believes there is a very dear, precious person inside." Cody, who was with his sister, Cassidy, and father, Frank, disagreed: "All morals aside, I'd have to go with Paris." '


Ok, first of all, Cody's 17?!!! I feel old. I remember when she had him and wouldn't shut the hell up, acting like she was the first woman who ever gave birth. 17!! The hell? First my mom calls me and tells me how she ran into some kid I used to babysit and how he's 6 feet tall and "so hot" now. Then I found a new wrink---fine line on my forehead, now fucking Cody Gifford is 17? Don't even get me started on the Olsen twins smoking cigarettes and having sex and turning into skinny bagladies from outer space.

I'm so depressed. Is it too early to start drinking?

Oh yeah, and PARIS HILTON? Oh Cody, I'm sure he'll become one of the new members of the LA Spoiled Skanky Cokehead Crew (I know, I need a better name. Send me your suggestions) Well maybe there's hope, I mean look at his choices. He should have gone with Britney--she's probably a freak in bed.

Nicole and Paris - on the outs again?

FROM THE NY DAILY NEWS:

' Nicole Richie snubbed Paris Hilton's 26th-birthday bash on Saturday night in Las Vegas.

Although the tiny terror had dinner in the city and was announced by Paris on the microphone to be "on her way," she never showed up at the Hard Rock Hotel bash.

It's a fresh chill in the relationship of the former best friends, who posed together for a Harpers Bazaar shoot in the Beverly Hills De Beers store just last Tuesday.

Hilton, meanwhile, has been pruning some other friends from her guest list. She declined to invite Kim Kardashian, who made gossip headlines recently for the saga of her own sex tape.

"She didn't want Kim on the red carpet stealing her thunder," says a pal. '


"Tiny Terror." That rules! So maybe it's because, oh I don't know, Nicole's father is black? Go Nicole!

Happy Birthday Paris Hilton

Happy 26th Skanky!! With each passing year, you look more and more ridiculous.

Are they all packed in a trailer or something?

"WHY IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO MEEE?!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!"

"Who else wants to take a picture while sticking their face in my crotch?"

"I'm sorry Miss Hilton, but you are going to have to remove your shoes, the floor is extremely slippery with Brandon Davis around."

"MMMM Paris--I mean Stavros."

"MMMMM, fries."

"Hey Ludacris!! You N*****!!! "

PHOTOS 1 & 2

Well Duh, you can't dance on tables at the Vienna Opera Ball!

Paris entertains herself by taking photos...of herself. This went on for nearly three hours.

' VIENNA, Austria (AP) -- She could have danced all night. Instead, she stifled yawns. Hotel heiress/reality TV star Paris Hilton certainly didn't look like she was having a ball Thursday night at the Vienna Opera Ball, Austria's society event of the year. Live TV coverage repeatedly showed her looking bored as she sat in her luxury box at the State Opera House. As debutantes in white dresses and their escorts in black tuxedos and tails marched into the ornate ballroom, Hilton was seen resting her head in her hands, absentmindedly flipping through the program and fiddling with her mobile phone.

"Look how excited she is," deadpanned a commentator for public television station ORF, which broadcast the ball live.

Hilton was the guest of Richard Lugner, a 74-year-old married construction magnate who invites a celebrity each year. His previous guests have included Geri Halliwell, Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra. '


Who is this guy Richard Lugner? Why would you invite Geri Halliwell, Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra, and now Paris Hilton to the Vienna Opera Ball? Is this like that contest where guys see who can pick up the ugliest girl at the bar? Invite the woman who looks the most out of place? Granted the guy is 74 years old and married and I could see why he'd want to hang out with sex-symbols, but to invite them to a ball where they obviously don't fit in seems almost mean (in Paris' case though, well done Rich!). I bet next year his special guest is Jenna Jameson.

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Is Paris gonna get her droopy eye fixed?

Supposedly Paris consulted a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon earlier this week to fix her lazy eye.

Paris is rumored to have had surgery a few years ago to lift her eyelids (because, like everything goes after you hit the mature old age 20!) and the muscles in her left eye were damaged. Then it got worse because it got dried out by her wearing blue-colored contact lenses (what?!! Next they're gonna say she's not a natural blonde!)

Of course Paris's rep, Elliot Mintz said, "To the best of my knowledge, Paris has never had any kind of cosmetic surgery and has not mentioned any medical procedures having to do with her eyes." (Kinda cryptic-- didn't flat out deny it, just said to the best of his knowledge. Hmmmm.)

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We're Your Screamgirls...........

Mr. Blackwell released his 47th annual "Worst Dressed" list Tuesday and the winner is:




It's a tie!!

SHOCKER: It's Britney and Paris! "Two peas in an overexposed pod," Blackwell said. (that sounds like a vagina reference to me.) He also referred to them as "Screamgirls."

Runners-up included Lindsay Lohan ("from adorable to deplorable"), Camilla Parker-Bowles ("The Duchess of Dowdy strikes again.") and Sandra Oh ("She's layered lunacy from head to toe.")

Not on Blackwell's shit list were Kate Winslet, Angelina Jolie, Helen Mirren, Barbra Streisand, Beyonce, Nancy Pelosi, Princess Charlotte of Monaco, Heidi Klum, Katie Holmes, and Marcia Cross. (Big mistake on Katie - that pillow she was sporting the early part of the year was a fashion don't if I ever saw one, not to mention she can't accessorize for shit- a crazy little man and an Asian child? Come on now.)

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BREAKING NEWS! Paris runs out of gas!

Paris Hilton found herself in quite the pickle yesterday. While driving home from her appointment at a beauty salon, she suddenly ran out of gas (suddenly meaning she was too much of an idiot to notice the fuel light was on).

What's an airheadass to do? Start walking to the nearest service station? "In these shoes?" Paris thought. Call AAA? "Don't be silly, I'm not an alcoholic like Firecrotch!" she laughed.

So Paris did the only logical thing: she sat in her car and waited for the paparazzi to help her. (Who says the paparazzi are heartless leeches?) She passed the time by looking through a scrapbook (Who knew she was into scrapbooking? She is multi-talented!) One of the pages is captioned "The First Time" and has a photo of Paris with back-on-again-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos (the Greek shipping heir not named Paris). Yeah, the first time that week maybe.



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Asinine Paris Quote of the Day

"Guys see me as this public sex symbol, and then moan when I'm not at all sexual at home."To be honest, I'd rather just sit and watch 'Lost' or stuff my face. Someone told me you start liking sex when you hit 30 - but we'll see."


I for one am offended by these "guys"! How could they not want to spend an evening with Paris engaging in intelligent, witty banter whilst discussing books and world issues? And just where would they ever get the idea that Paris is sexual?

Asinine Paris Quote of the Day

"I have a lot of New Year's resolutions. One is definitely giving back. I'm really fortunate and that's why everywhere I go I'm going to visit a children's hospital."


Um Paris, you can't give back Syphlis. Besides, haven't those children suffered enough? Maybe instead, you could just , I dunno, pay for your own food?