Because I Got High: Michael Phelps Edition

(hit play and sing along with the lyrics below)

I was gonna swim the race, until I got high
I was gonna win it and take first place, but then I got high
But I already got eight medals, so why even try? (why man?)
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high

I was gonna do some laps before I got high
I coulda' backstroked and freestyled fast, but I got high
Now my gills will fester and I know why, (why man?)
'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna make a protein shake, until I got high
I was gonna watch my fat intake, but then I got high
Now I got the munchies and want a pizza pie
Does Dominos
still have
the 5-5-5?

I was gonna sign some autographs, but I was high,
I was gonna pose for photographs, but I was high
Instead I’m on my couch watching Bill Nye, (who man?)
The Science Guy
The Science Guy
The Science Guy

I made a public apology, because I got high
I said I was ashamed and sorry, because I got caught--I mean high
Now I'm losing all my endorsements, and I don’t know why
I just got high
I just got high
I just got high

I really wasn’t planning to smoke that infamous night
I was just hanging out with some folks and I was shy
They passed that bong my way, gave me a high-five
(and yelled!)
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!

I'm not putting on my spandex thong, because I'm high
The only water’s in my bong, because I'm high
And I don’t give two shits, wanna know why? (why man)
'cuz I'm a rich guy
I’m a rich guy
So I’m getting high

BREAKING NEWS!!

KANYE WEST BEATS BEYONCE AT CANDYLAND!!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!

KANYE WEST BEATS BEYONCE AT CONNECT FOUR!!

"Pay attention Grammys!"

I'm serious. Kanye West wrote on his blog that he's been playing the game to help him cope with the shocking death of his mother last November. I hate giving this guy credit for anything, but that's pretty cool considering those other easier yet self-destructive ways of coping that are out there.

So he said, "I would play this game for hours and hours ... It helped me zone out. But every now and then people would speak of this legendary Connect 4 champion ... BEYONCE!!! I had 2 play her." (Dude, two letters: T-O. It shouldn't be so hard for someone who's always referring to himself as a genius.)

So the two played on New Year's Eve at Jay-Z's club 40/40 in Las Vegas. Beyonce beat Kanye nine times. Kanye bitched and moaned over never winning anything. Then he knocked the game over and left the room vowing never to have anything to do with Milton Bradley ever again for the rest of his life.

Then he finally calmed down, came back, and managed to beat Beyonce (at the game!). He was so proud, he posted the above picture on his blog.

SOURCE

For Fuck's Sake! WHYYYY?!

You kinda knew this was coming, didn't you?

Marie Osmond has designed a line of creepyass dolls inspired by her various dances on Dancing With the Stars which will be sold on QVC beginning tonight at 6PM Eastern. Now you can reenact the desperation at home!! The one above is, of course, her Samba/fainting routine. There will also be the Boogie Woogie doll, the Paso Doble doll, the Quickstep doll, and the season finale Freestyle doll (so a doll of a person pretending to be a doll). Sadly, there are no plans for a life-size Maksim blow-up doll.

What I want to know are WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE that buy this shit? Yes, I know they are the same people that voted for her but really, this madness has to stop. Won't somebody save us??

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!!"

Hey everyone, it's my She-Ra doll from 1986! I thought you got tossed in the box of amputated Barbie parts. I'm so glad to see you!

"First of all, your bitch mother donated me to the church tag sale and I had to fight my way back to Etheria. Then I ran into my brother and had to coach him through some, um, life decisions he was struggling with."

I'm sorry to hear that. How is He-Man doing?

"Much better since he came to terms with his sexuality. He and Skeletor actually just purchased an adorable little condo in Eternia. I was just there for Thanksgiving."

That's fantastic!

"Um excuse me please, but this is about me. I just want to let people know that I am the perfect gift for the holidays and that every child and tragically pathetic middle-aged doll collector can own me, their very own MARIE OSMOND: DANCER EXTRAORDINAIRE DOLL!!"

"Oh, put a fucking lid on it toots! Nobody gives a shit."

"Actually they do, the first two dolls in my collection sold out in eight minutes on QVC! Marie is one of the world's top doll designers you know."

"Did I stutter or do I need to draw my sword and cut you?"

"Stop {huuuuuuuuhhhhh) please [huuuuuuhhhh] I'm feeling light-headed...."

THUD!!!!!!!!

Oh knock it off Marie, everyone knows you're faking.

"I've had just about enough."

"Take that you annoying creepy piece of Chinese plastic!"

"ALRIGHT!! MORE DRAMA!! DON'T FORGET EVERYONE, QVC TONIGHT AT 6! BUY ALL FOUR DOLLS!

SOURCE

Well, they're all boobs

Underwear firm Bravissimo recently conducted a poll asking 1,000 women which Spice Girl's boobs would they like to switch theirs with if given the chance? The winner? Geri Halliwell a.k.a. "Ginger" Spice. Or was it "Sexy" Spice. I think it was both wasn't it? BTW, when did she get so buff? Damn!

So here's how the ladies stacked up:

1. Geri Halliwell

2. Emma Bunton

3. Melanie Brown

4. Victoria Beckham

5. Melanie Chisholm

Poor Mel C. in dead last place. She couldn't even score above Vicky's cartoon cantaloupes.

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An Open Letter to E! Entertainment Network

To Whom It May Concern (I'm guessing that probably includes Ryan Seacrest):

I am writing to you as an avid viewer of your network. (Well I don't watch that Kimora Simmons show or Katie and Peter - who the hell are they anyway? Oh yeah, and Keeping Up the Kardashians? Come on now. I think I speak for most of America when I say "WHY?!" For the record The Girls Next Door are also in the "why" category. You really need to adopt the following motto for deciding whether or not to give talentless Hollywood bimbos reality shows: "Already seen their boobs? Keep them off the tube." A lot of suffering could be spared that way.)

So basically, I watch The Soup and sometimes a couple of minutes of one of your various pointless countdown shows on a Saturday afternoon (although that's usually only if I've already seen the pointless countdown show that simultaneously airs on VH1.)

Did I mention I really love The Soup?

One thing I really did enjoy was a couple of years ago when you had the Michael Jackson courtroom reenactments. That shit ruled. That was appointment TV right there.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "that was over two years ago, what would make you think of that?" (Unless you are Ryan, I know what you're thinking about. Oh and I hate to tell you but everyone knows, so just admit it already. You'll feel better. Just ask Lance Bass.) Today I was reading a story on Britney's latest court appearance. Her lawyer reportedly defended Brit not showing up to her 8:00 AM drug test by saying that pop stars don't get up that early. She even told the judge: "You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don't know," which resulted in the the courtroom erupting in laughter. While reading this, I was picturing the scene in my head (as I'm sure everyone who did was) and it was awesome. Then I thought, how much more awesomer would it be to actually see it for real? Now as we all know, sadly, cameras are prohibited from the courtroom, much like they were in the Michael Jackson case. DING DING DING!!! Courtroom reenactments!

You guys really need to do this!! Since it's from actual transcripts and there is no need for writers, it's perfect timing with the strike that's going on. You could get Mini-Britney to play Britney and for Kevin, well, the real K-Fed isn't doing much these days! And you can call it Law and Chaotic Order. And why just stop at Britney? OJ's back in court! Every day there's some moron celebrity getting busted for drunk driving instead of just hiring a damn driver or taking a freaking cab, so the possibilities are endless. Ripped from the tabloid headlines!

Of course I will be taking a small percentage for coming up with the idea, but I'm not greedy. Just give me one Kardashian asscheek's worth. That's plenty for my modest lifestyle. I mean what more do you need than Taco Bell 7 Layer Burritos and a couple bottles of Boones Farm? I'm sure Britney herself would hear me on that one.

Think about it and get back to me.

Sincerly,

Your Mama
Asshathollywood.com

Random Hollywood Bitchfight of the Week

So did you hear the one about the bitchfight between George Clooney and Fabio? No really.

Both were recently dining at the LA restaurant, Madeo, when George flipped off Fabio when he thought a woman in Fabio's party was taking photos of him. Fabio defended the women, saying that she wasn't taking pictures of him, but of her dinner party. Fabio also reportedly instructed George to "stop being a diva." With that, all hell broke loose and it escalated into a shoving match (because pretty boys don't actually hit each other in the faces.)

Let's settle this right here on Asshat Hollywood shall we?

Please welcome our special guests George Clooney and Fabio.


I'll start with you George. Tell me, why did you think that woman was taking pictures of you at the restaurant?

"Are you joking? Look at me! I'm the reigning Sexiest Man Alive for the second time."

"Who cares about the People Magazine, I am Fabio. I make my living being sexy. I don't even have to act or speak. That's how sexy I am. They just take my picture and give me money."

"So you are proud that you have no talent whatsoever?

"I did not say that. I am sexy. You think that is not talent? Look at this!"

"Oh, please, I don't need to wear a loincloth to prove that I'm sexy."

Excuse me, George! Yoo-hoo, um yeah, over here. I think you just may have to. I don't have a loincloth handy though so you'll have to use this Post-It note.

"Can I go now? I have go sign tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter for women that are in love with me but will never have me because I am too sexy for them."

"Christ. Where's a bird and a roller-coaster when you need one?"

"That was a very traumatic experience for me and very low of you to bring up, you diva! You leave me no choice but to match it."

"You wouldn't."

"You take the good, you take the bad..."

"Stop it."

"You take them both and there you have the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life..."

"Oh, it's ON now! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!!!"

"TOOTIE, TOOTIE, TOOTIE!!"

"You want another shovin', don't ya BUTTERBOY!!!"

George and Fabio had to go. They are currently outside shoving and slapping each other in a mud pit filled with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter if any of you are interested.



SOURCE
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In breaking Britney news...

TMZ has video of Britney Spears is getting into the spirit of Halloween, or rather, Mischief Night, by playing a prank of the paparazzi while sitting in her festively decorated car at a Los Angeles gas station.

It was like this:

Britney: "Come here paparazzi, no closer, clo-ser y'all, put your face by the windershield..."

SPPPRRRAAAYYYYY SPPPPLLLAASSSSHHHHH!! (that's window washer fluid)

(Car speeding off)

That Britney, what a prankster! She probably used her entire time time in court last Friday to think up that one!

Everybody Sing Along

Recently there have been rumors that the reason we keep seeing all these photos of Britney everywhere, everyday, and every hour is because she is personally tipping off the paps herself when setting up her daily excursions to Taco Bell, Starbucks, and gas station bathrooms, apparently belonging to the belief that there is no such thing as bad publicity, only bad weaves. This inspired me (no, I don't know why) to re-write the lyrics to her very first hit single. Hope you enjoy.

Snap My Picture One More Time

Oh pap-a-razzi
(click-click-click)
Oh pap-a-razzi
(click-click-click)

Oh pap-a-razzi
I’m glad that you got my call
Cause I’ve been waiting right here
Oh pap-a-razzi
Let me grab my cigs and we’ll go
Make sure you adjust my light, dear

Follow me, take my photo while I pee
And just maybe
That’ll be the shot that makes the bloggers buzz

My desperation is driving me
I will undress for TMZ (TMZ)
Look no panties to get in a bind
I’ll make you go blind!
Snap my picture one more time

Oh pap-a-razzi
I really should get a clue
But I’m absentminded
Oh pap-a-razzi
Everybody’s rooting for me to pull through
But I’d rather do this crazy shit

Follow me, I’m going on a shopping spree
Fredrick’s maybe
Cause that’s where I buy my fancy duds

Rock bottom does not exist for me
When called a trainwreck, I do agree (do agree)
No one to help me straighten out my mind
They all resigned
So snap my picture one more time

Oh baby, baby, when did I become a ho?

Speaking of babies, where did my children go?

I must confess that my craziness
Got me kicked out of Mr. Chow’s
But let me show you my new weave
Make sure the pic’s clear
And get my best side (Paparazzi: how?)
Snap my picture one more time

Today's Music is Shit: Exhibit A

I saw this video this morning and was like: are you fucking kidding me? Really, does anyone truly like this shit? Let me rephrase that, does anyone truly like this shit when they're sober cause I could already picture some drunk underdressed skank doing that awful doggystyle buttbounce move in the club while lipsynching "I got it from my mama." (Sorry if I made you puke.)

Note to will.i.am - Market this song to Jerry Springer for when the toothless trailer trash freaks cheat on their girlfriends with their 400 pound mamas.

Ok, I've given this waaayy too much thought.

Somebody give this guy a tv show

Hey I'm sure it would be better than Caveman.

For those of you who are not baseball fans, allow me to introduce you to America's newest Sweetheart and the most awesome non-human celebrity since Victoria Beckham: Sammy Squirrel.

This little guy bravely climbed to the top of the screen attached to the right-field foul pole at Yankee Stadium during last night's game against their arch rival, the Boston Red Sox and stayed up there to watch the action while fans cheered and the commentators remarked. I think there was even a slow-motion replay.


We are thrilled to welcome Sammy Squirrel to Asshat Hollywood!

AH - "Thanks for joining us today Sammy!"

"S'up?"

AH - "So, tell us, where are you from and how did you get to Yankee Stadium yesterday?"

"Well, contrary to the rumors, I didn't come out of Manny Ramierez's hair. I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised in Queens, but now I live in the Bronx and chill at the Stadium. Mostly for the nuts."

AH - "Yeah, there's no shortage of peanuts at Yankee Stadium."

"I was actually talking about some of the people, but yeah, that too. It's good eatin'. Plenty of beer too."

AH- "Squirrel mania seems to be sweeping the nation, how does it feel to be a star?"

"I don't know if I can take the pressure. I already feel like I want to shave my tail and go to rehab."

AH- "Oh, don't say that, we need a positive role model for our youth! Speaking of, I must address another rumor. Is true that you are now dating Paris Hilton?"

"Please, I already have fleas and rabies, that's enough for me!"

AH - "Phew, that's a relief. Why do you think it is that one-fifth of Americans can't find the USA on a map?

"Because one fifth of Americans are morons. And I'd be willing to bet that a large percentage of them are Red Sox fans"

AH - "Easy there, we don't want to insult any readers, we don't have that many you know. So why'd you climb up there last night anyway?"

"I wanted to get a better look at the game. It's a little trick I learned from my cousin Jose. He used to sit on top of the flagpole and at every game, people would turn to him and ask him if he can see."

AH- "So why not sit on the flagpole?"

"Well, I was going to, but then I spotted this hotass chick and I wanted to get a look down her shirt, so I chose the foul pole instead. You know, kill two birds."

AH - "Good thinking. You're pretty smart considering the large number of squirrel fatalities due to them running into the road and when the car stops, instead of continuing on to cross the street, they turn back the other way and get hit."


"Cars stop? Hey lady, maybe where you're from but here in New Fucking York, they don't stop for pedestrians, let alone rodents, so you have to be quick and smart. The strong survive. I'm no spokesman for the dumbass hick-squirrels of the world"

AH - "Well thanks so much for speaking with us today and I hope you enjoy a long and fabulous career!"

Hey Sammy, watch out for that car!

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