You're pissing me off Kathy!

Kathy Griffin shopping with Paris Hilton? WTF?

God Save the Queen!

That's Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilera hanging out with Princes William and Harry last night in London. Well actually, word is Harry "snubbed" Paris after she performed a "sexy dance" for him. William bit though - the two were later seen exchanging phone numbers. Later that evening, Paris' crabs bit William.

The whole run of events is here in London's Mirror but I'm having a hard time understanding it (I can't read English very well), so good luck with that.

I call bullshit

Remember that picture of Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan? Well, despite Lindsay currently being a lesbian, Star is running with the scandalous story.

One "on-looker" said, "Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers. Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn't turning her away."

Then Paris supposedly sent Nicole a text that read: "Lindsay was all over Joel!"

Then a "friend of the couple" who claims to be with Nicole at the time said that she tried to call Joel, but he didn't answer the phone. "He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring. Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage."

Wow!! That friend saw how Joel was zeroed in on Lindsay and then saw Nicole throw her phone? I had no idea Nicole and Joel are friends with David Copperfield, because those are some magic powers that friend must have had to be in two places at one time!

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Good start Paris!

Now get another one and cover the other half!

Is she serious?

Ok, when PEOPLE starts getting snarky ("Does the goodwill ever cease?") , maybe you oughtta consider checking yourself.

This is a photo of Paris in Africa (no not because she promised Larry King she'd help people, but because she's tagging along on tour with Benji & Good Charlotte) signing pictures of herself. Did she bring those with her? Those kids are like "who is this bitch?" The sad part is, she thinks that she's helping them.

I guess she kind of is. I mean whenever those kids get hungry, they can look at the picture and it will hold off the hunger pangs for a couple hours. You know, like hoodia.

Paris is in love and she wants you to be her new best friend!

So Ashton Kutcher's got a new show on E! called Pop Fiction which is basically Punk'd, but the other way around with celebrities pulling the pranks on the paparazzi. Paris and Benji Madden's recent hookup was rumored to be a hoax, but Paris told Ryan Seacrest (and you know they mean business when they go to Seacrest!) that the relationship "no hoax."

Paris told Ryan, "We're really happy ... I feel very safe and very secure."

THANK GOD this is settled!! I knew it was true love!

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In other Paris news, she's about to have a new reality show of her very own and YOU can be her new best friend!!

The show, cleverly titled Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, will be on MTV and will begin production in May. In it, contestants will live in a house with Paris and all her little friends (not talking about her dogs!) and she will teach them how to be her best friend through competions of loyalty, endurance and “girl politics.” (I can already see a Survivor-type challenge with the girls racing to take off their panties and jump in front of a paparazzi camera so Paris will look like the classy one.) Each week, Paris will hold an elimination ceremony where the contestants will receive bottles of Valtrex. The one who doesn't will be told "You're a retarded n****r" by Paris, be forced to pack their bags, and leave immediately.

I know what you're all thinking. Well half of you are thinking, "Isn't 27 a bit old to be using the term 'BFF'?"

The other half are thinking, "Where do I sign up?! "

Here you go, hurry: www.parisbff.com

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Oh hell no!

Broadway bosses reportedly are interested in getting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to star in Chicago together.

Nicole has allegedly already been offered a role (no word on which one) in the show and producers are hoping they can get Paris onboard too.

A source told OK! magazine, "The producers think they will sell double the amount of tickets."

Isn't there something wrong with casting these two considering they are the exact thing Chicago is supposed to be a satire of? That fuzzy line between fame and infamy and the public's fascination with crazy and ego-obsessed bitches?

And the irony of it all, is that if this does happen, they probably will sell double the amount of tickets (I'm gonna guess mostly tourists that wouldn't normally go to a Broadway show but saw the movie and want to see Paris and Nicole in it.) therefore proving the whole point of the story!


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Harvard is Hot!

Harvard awarded Paris Hilton the "Woman of the Year" award yesterday.

Well, sort of. They gave her the Lampoon Woman of the Year award, which is a spoof on Harvard's actual Man and Woman of the Year awards which are given out by Harvard's Hasty Pudding Theatricals acting group. Those awards are presented annually to actors who've made a "lasting and impressive contribution to the world of entertainment." (The Lampoon award? Not so much) This year's recipients of those awards will be Charlize Theron and Christopher Walken.

But let's let Paris have her day!!! The idiot actually thought she was seriously being honored. It's almost as awesome as when Michael Jackson thought he won that artist of the millennium award that year on the MTV awards.

On her award Paris (who arrived an hour late to the ceremony) said, "Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine standing here, standing on the steps of the Harvard Lampoon. It's really exciting and I've had such a great time."

Congrats moron!

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Paris Hilton is a well-mannered lady- She got it from her Mama

If you are currently eating or drinking please swallow (or spit, if you prefer that) before reading the following Paris Hilton quote.

Done?

Ok.

Paris says that she gets her manners and "sweetness" from her mama, telling Parade magazine, "She always taught us to be polite. We had the best manners, so I've kept them. My mom has always been really supportive. She's one of my best friends. And she's just always told me to stay the same and stay the sweet girl I've always been since I was little and not let any of the Hollywood stuff get to my head, and you'll leave a good karma."

Mama's best advice to Paris? "Put your shoulders back and don't chew gum." Wow, good thing mama learned her real good on that one! Could you imagine how uncouth Paris would be? It's bad enough she displayed such poor etiquette when she took a phone call during sex, but THANK GOD she doesn't chew gum! Good job Kathy!!

In related Paris news, bad news for fans of The L Word. Looks like Paris got that role she's had her eye on. Her good eye, I presume. "It's true," she says. "I have no idea what kind of character I'll be playing, but it's a good show."

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Showing love to D-list skanks: Paris Hilton continues her philantrophy

Us reports that a source spotted Paris Hilton and House of Wax co-star Elisha Cuthbert "all over each other and making out" Tuesday night at New York club, Tenjune club.

Both "ladies" were there for a birthday party and arrived separately.

The source added, "It's Paris. She loves putting on a show."

Elisha Cuthbert's rep denied the incident.

The reality show that will never happen, but should..mostly because of it's awesome name

Dennis Hof, owner of Nevada's Moonlite Bunnyranch and star of HBO's Cathouse has an idea for a new reality show. And it's awesome!
"We can call it 'P & B: Celebrity Sex with Paris' Punani and Britney's Booty'." Dennis said, "I think Paris and Britney would be fun - and they're both tramps. Hell, they're giving it away for free, so they might as well get paid for it! It'd make a great show. I'll speak to HBO and see if we can make it happen."

Note to Paris and Britney - He does have a point!

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She's so hot!

So here's another photo of Paris wearing a shitty t-shirt of her shitty self. Ugh, how many shirts paying tribute to yourself does one need? Recently she was seen wearing an "I LOVE PARIS" tee. And who could forget the classic one that read "I'm Hot!" on the front and "Your [sic] Not!" on the back. That was my personal favorite.

If Paris really wants cool t-shirts of herself, she should have some made up from the awesome caricatures on Gallery of the Absurd. That would be cool:







(Sorry about the shitty photoshop work. I'm waiting for a recommendation on someone more skilled from Mariah Carey.)

Paris Hilton is beautiful!

Looks like Paris has been taking tips from Vera de Milo (go to 2:53)!

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Happy Birthday Britney!!

I wish I had a good weave!

Britney Spears celebrated her 45th birthday Saturday night!!

What? She's 26? Damn.

The party brought Brit back together with her former BFF Paris Hilton!! The two left the party together to go party more at the Four Seasons!

PIC

Paris is big in South Korea (in every possible sense of the word)

Paris Hilton made an appearance at a BMW car show in South Korea last weekend. Hundreds of (apparently tiny) adoring fans crammed into the popular Seoul nightclub, Circle, to catch a glimpse of the classy beauty.

The Sun quoted some of the fans: "We love Paris. She's so great!" and "She's very popular here in South Korea."

The brainwashed Koreans were treated to a performance when Paris sang stirring renditions of Like a Virgin by Madonna and Slave 4 U by her former BFF, Britney.

Paris then squashed the crowd with her gigantic freakish feet.

Today - LA Children's Hospital Ambassador...Tomorrow: Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Go to church right now because Armageddon has to be near. Paris Hilton is "in talks" to become an ambassador for the Los Angeles Children's Hospital.

Paris said, "I went and visited the little premature babies who were only, like, one pound. And the cancer patients. It's nice when I can go there and visit them and brighten their day and make them smile. It feels good to be able to do that."

I can't tell if she's for real or if this is all PR bullshit. Maybe she made a bet with Larry King. Who knows? I just hope those children are vaccinated, I mean their immune systems must be so low already...

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Stars Are Blind to Puppymills

Paris Hilton has apparently been making good on her post-prison promise of making the world a better place.....well if making good means being photographed and interviewed at every charitable event she could find within a 20 mile radius in LA. Perhaps she ought to start looking into making an appearance at a Humane Society function to backpeddle the big pile of poopoo she's created for herself by purchasing a chihuahua (which you know she refers to as a "Teacup") at the same pet store where Britney just came under attack for purchasing a dog. The reason animal rights groups are pissed is because many dogs sold in pet stores are products of puppy mills and purchasing them from pet stores perpetuates the problem by keeping the puppy mills in business.

Now I'll give Britney the benefit of the doubt because she's a simpleton, so I wouldn't expect her to edjumacate herself on ethical vs. non-ethical dog breeding practices before purchasing a new pet. After all, she had two children with Federline, so there's proof right there she doesn't exactly think things out. Now, as far as Paris... The stairs go up a little higher, but I still don't think she'll be winning on Jeopardy (the dumbed down Celebrity Jeopardy, that is) anytime soon but you'd think since BRITNEY JUST GOT BLASTED ALL OVER THE PRESS OVER BUYING A DOG LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AGO IN THE SAME STORE! that she just might think twice before doing the same thing. Especially since she's trying to change her image. Dumbass.

In other Paris news, she's about to grace us with a follow-up album. I know, please calm down and contain your excitement. TMZ has spotted her leaving a recording studio. Between that and Brit's upcoming album there's sure to be an exciting Best Female Vocal Performance Grammy race next year!

I Officially Love Her!

I never was a fan of Victoria Beckham's. She just always seemed like a snobby bitch to me. But lately she's been growing on me. I think it all started when she had her friend Scary's back and publicly called Eddie Murphy a "Beverly Hills Cock." Then I saw some of her show Victoria Beckham: Coming to America the other night and I actually caught myself smiling and laughing thinking "You know, she's pretty damn cool!"

If there was any doubt remaining as to her awesomeness, check this one out: Paris Hilton has been quoted as saying, "We could be soulmates" about Victoria and that she'd love to hang out with her. To which my girl Vicky replied (to a "friend"), "Over my dead body!" That is so awesome I have to go change my knickers!

You Go Girl!! Who cares if your show tanked, you are fabulous!

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Happy (belated) July 4th!

No point, you're gonna have to just drain it.

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July and that you listened to the advice of the reformed and newly wise Paris Hilton who posted on her MySpace:

"Happy 4th of July everyone, and remember to be responsible and have a designated driver!"

Paris even set a wonderful example by having three designated drivers. In fact, she had a few non-designated drivers as well. And a couple doormen. And the guy that delivered the beer. And another Greek Shipping heir.

Hope everyone had as much fun and enjoyed as many hot dogs as Paris did this Independence Day!

The only part of the Larry King Paris Hilton interview worth watching!

Busted!! Dumbass couldn't even think to say John 3:16.