It's Britney bitch, Where's your hand K-Fed?

Star Magazine reported not too long ago that Britney and Kevin recently shared a kiss and now they say the two have progressed to having phone sex.

An "insider" tells Star that Britney couldn't sleep one night and called Kevin at 2 am. The talk started about their children but soon the topic got dirty and they weren't talking about Brit's weave.

Since then the two have been reaching out and touching themselves on a weekly basis, says the insider.

Ok, first - ewww! I was going write a fictional transcription of what one of these sessions might be like, but some things are just too gross and scary, even for my polluted backyard mind, so sorry.

Second, who is this insider? Are they listening in to these conversations? Are they getting off too?

Ok, I'm sorry, I'm getting a little queasy now. I guess we should try and see the positive. At least they can't conceive any more children this way.

Britney and K-Fed sittin in a tree.....

Star is reporting that Britney and K-Fed shared a kiss on April 8th when Kevin was at Britney's to pick up the kids.

And insider revealed, "They were discussing the boys and how they're doing when she suddenly got in close and kissed Kevin. She did it because she felt so close to him at that moment."

On Kevin's reaction, the insider said, "He loved the kiss, of course." The source said Kevin then said to Britney, "Should we be doing this in front of the boys?" Britney's reponse, "We're their parents, so why not?"

Don't get too excited, Kevin could have just been drinking a Frappuccino and had a little on his lips.

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Leave K-Fed Alone!

K-Fed's ex and babymamma --the other one-- has come to his defense about his recent weight gain, saying that he's just being a good father.

Shar Jackson told US magazine, "It's daddy weight! When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you. If gaining a few pounds is your only problem, life's not too bad!"

Federline's representative also had something to say about the earth-shattering news of K-Fed's porking up, "He's a stay-at-home dad, and people tend to gain weight when they are home with the kids. He's very happy with the way he looks."

Ok fine, no problem. Go K-Fed Alot!! Rock on with you pudgy self!


Now who's gonna explain the hair?


Anyone?


Shar?


Bueller?


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BRITNEY Circa 2008 - EVEN MORE DRAMA !!

In case anyone was concerned that we hadn't heard much about psycho Britney for awhile, fear not! Lots of crazy shit went down at the Spears house last night.

It all started when the LAPD were called to Brit's house in Beverly Hills last night around 8:00 PM for a "family custody dispute." The cops would not say who made the call or the details of the dispute, however it is known that Britney was supposed to have her kids until 7:00PM. Earlier that day, Britney was two hours late for her deposition in the custody battle.


Soon after an ambulance, fire trucks, and more officers showed up.

TMZ learned that Britney refused to turn Sean Preston and Jayden James over to to K-Fed's bodyguard at 7:00PM, as she was ordered to.

The ambulances were called to the scene after police found Britney to be "under the influence of an unknown substance." (So how is that any different from any other day?)


After that, two of the ambulances left Britney's house en route to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. One had Britney and the other had Jayden James. Sean Preston was brought to K-Fed's home shortly after that. It has not been disclosed what Jayden was brought in for.


Britney enjoyed the ambulance ride and all the cool lights and sounds.

The paramedics were seen strapping her legs down. She liked that too.


Britney was then brought into the hospital. Upon her arrival she "flipped out" on the paparazzi waiting outside. She has since been placed on "medical hold" a.k.a. a mental evaluation. I can't imagine why. She is still there as of this post.



Meanwhile, K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan is headed to court to ask the Commissioner to take away all of Britney's visitation rights. It is expected that will happen. Although the law firm that is supporting Britney has asked to withdraw as counsel, one of the attorneys from the firm will appear on Britney's behalf.

CRRR--AAZZZZYYYY!!! I need a nap after all that!

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No Britney deposition video

To TMZ's dismay, Britney Spears's lawyer has successfully stopped the videotaping of her deposition today in the progress-report hearing in the custody battle with K-Fed. L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon made the ruling this morning after Brit's lawyer, Thomas Dunlap argued that a leak of the video to the media would cause "undue embarrassment" for the Britney.

He has a point, Britney creates so much embarrassment on her own that any additional embarrassment from any other source would be undue.

I'm hoping someone has a cameraphone.

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Brit and K-Fed learnin' parentin'

A source told PEOPLE that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first court-ordered Parenting Without Conflict session at the Beverly Hills Hotel today.

Parents are encouraged but not required to take the course together. There will be six sessions to the course and it will teach communication skills and cooperative parenting.

Only six sessions? Do they realize who is taking the course?

In addition, Britney is required to complete three individual counseling sessions "to address parenting issues."

Still.

Asshat Hollywood has obtained a course outline of the Parenting Without Conflict curriculum:

Session One: "Auto Safety - this does NOT mean letting your infant drive"

Session Two: "Nutrition Part 1 - Red Bull does not give children wings, it gives them cavities"

Session Three: "Nutrition Part 2 - Cheetos do not count as dairy"

Session Four: "When mommy and daddy fight, the only winner is the paparazzi"

Session Five: "How to prepare your children for the ridicule they will face from their peers thanks to having asshats like you for parents"

Session Six: "Auto Safety - this does NOT mean letting your infant drive (just making sure..)"

K-Fed got the kids!

What's in the cup?

We can all breathe a big sign of relief for Sean Preston and Jayden James. TMZ has breaking news that Britney has lost custody!

' L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today stating that Kevin Federline, the boys' father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court." '

You can view the official document here.


Let's see how long it takes Britney to notice. Seriously though, will SOMEONE help this crazy bitch before it's too late?

Catching Up With the Asshats

I know, I'm slacking again. Ok so wow, lots to catch up on with the asshats so lets get started.

So first off in Do We Care? news, the wedding of Usher and futurebabymama Tameka Foster is off. It was supposed to happen this past Saturday, but only hours before they called it off. No one really knows who called it off. Some say Usher, some say Tameka, some say Usher's mother, some say who gives a shit. They supposedly disagreed on lots of the wedding details. For instance, Tameka wanted to serve barbeque at the reception and Usher wanted a celebrity chef (I'm not kidding, it's on PEOPLE so it must be true) Also, Usher wanted to go shirtless and Tameka didn't like that idea (That's not on PEOPLE, but I'm going with it.) All I know is, good for them! It's refreshing that they realized they were making a mistake before they went through with it and then brought a child into the world. Oh wait. Well anyway, somewhere Chili is laughing and that warms my heart because Chili is awesome. No scrubs!

In more ex-couples news, Britney and K-Fed's divorce has been finalized. That's right ladies, Kevin Federline is a free man!! Goddammit, there are crickets in here! They agreed to a 50-5o custody split of their two sons. So 50 percent of the time K-Fed gets the kids and the other 50 percent Child Protective Services will get the children. It's kind of sad, who would have predicted while watching Chaotic that it would come to this. They seemed so in love.

At a recent concert, a female fan grabbed Tim McGraw's balls. His wife, Faith Hill was having none of that. She got onstage, grabbed a mic and proceeded to rip the fan a new one in front of the entire arena: "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend,. You don't go grabbin' somebody else's, somebody's husband's [private parts], you understand me? That's very disrespectful." Well, I guess she sort of ripped her a new one, more like politely tore in a nice neat line, like those people that unwrap presents and go "Oh, what nice paper." She should have beat her ass like Whitney would have back in the day if some ho tried that with BobbAY. But thumbs up Faith, way to tell that bitch you are the only one who manhandles Tim's cojones in the classiest way possible. Too bad you couldn't use the same restraint when Carrie Underwood won the CMA.

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The Church of $cientology would like to welcome its newest member, Story Elias, the newborn son of Jenn Elfman. The kid was actually born on July 23rd but it was a silent birth and Jenna wasn't sure how long she was supposed to stay silent.

Just in case you missed it, she named the kid Story. Yeah.

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Now for the McConaughey report:

Still shirtless, hot, and active.


And now, a reason for all the new moms to feel really shitty about their post-baby bodies:
Jamie Pressley just had a baby like what, yesterday? Yeah, go do some crunches you lazy bitches!



Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie musical called Repo! The Genetic Opera. The film is set in 2056 and centers around a mysterious plague that threatens the survival of the human race, and things hinge on the financing of an expensive organ transplant.

Paris will play the part of the mysterious plague.

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Britney's lawyer's gonna be in high-demand!

The Britney/K-Fed divorce settlement has been reached.

Brit and K-Fed worked out the deal with their attorneys over a five hour meeting yesterday.

Sources told TMZ that K-Fed will get about 1 million. He also gets to keep the $35.78 royalties from "Playing With Fire." The ex-couple will have joint custody of their two children.

Congrats Britney! Red Bulls all around!

Britney back in rehab..............again

K-Fed's lawyer confirmed through a spokesman that Britney has re-re-checked into rehab. He also said that the emergency custody hearing has been canceled because of this new development.

So does this mean that K-Fed was using his threats for good instead of greed? Could be. TMZ says K-Fed will immediately go to court seeking orders allowing him unquestioned full custody of the children if Britney ditches again before treatment is complete. TMZ also reported that Britney went to his house last night to see the kids and he wouldn't let her in. Wow!! This is a major face-turn for Kevin! (oh my god, I think that may be the first time I referred to him as "Kevin." Stop the madness!)

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Please give the kids to K-Fed!

Kevin Federline has been granted an emergency hearing in family law court, obviously due to Britney's recent whacked behavior. I never thought I would say this but I hope K-Fed gets full custody of those kids! SOURCE

I guess I'm not the only one. Us Magazine is reporting that even Britney's own mother is siding with K-Fed, helping him and his mother care for Sean Preston and Jayden James while Britney's been unraveling.

Meanwhile, PAGE SIX ran the following "blind item" today:

' WHICH hard-partying celeb takes her escapades well into the next morning? Sources saw her snorting lines at 10 a.m., but the real problem isn't coke - waitresses at Privilege overheard her demanding "meth" from her friends. '

This has really gotten sad.

Fast Food Workers: We are embarrassed to be associated with K-Fed

From STAR MAGAZINE:
K-FED AD INSULTS FAST FOOD WORKERS
Kevin Federline may want to think twice before eating at McDonalds. The soon-to be ex husband of Britney Spears and wannabe rapper incurring the anger of the fast-food industry with a soon-to-be aired commercial for Nationwide Insurance.

The commercial which runs on Super Bowl Sunday shows K-Fed fantasizing about being a big-time rapper — but is actually a short order cook at a fast food joint. Federline says the commercial attempts to make fun of his own image. But a top executive at the National Restaurant Association doesn't see it that way. She blasts the ad as "demeaning and unpleasant" to the nations nearly 13 million restaurant employees. "It shouldn't be necessary for a company to disrespect others to get its point across," restaurant rep Annika Stensson told the New York Post.

A Nationwide spokesman defends the K-Fed commercials. "It's a humorous take on one person's life. The focus of the ad is the element of surprise, not the setting of fast-food restaurants.


Oh yeah, right. They're making fun of the element of surprise only. Let's just see what our friend the Geico Caveman has to say about that.



Geico Caveman: "What if he woke up as an insurance company spokesman?"
Nationwide Spokesman: "Well , that wouldn't be funny."
Geico Caveman: "Why? Because insurance company spokesmen are smart?"
Nationwide Spokesman: "No."
Geico Caveman: "Because insurance company spokesmen make over minimum wage?"
"Nationwide Spokesman: "Um, dude, you do realize that YOU are also an insurance company spokesman, right?"
Geico Caveman: "Oh right. I guess I'm outta here then. SCREW YOU FAST FOOD WORKERS!! LOOO-SERS!!!"

You know you have problem when K-Fed seems like the responsible one

A source recently told STAR MAGAZINE: “Kevin has tried to convince Britney to check herself into rehab from every possible angle. First he tried threatening to take away the kids, then he tried pleading with her to take care of herself.” This mystery source then continued,“They’re being raised by strangers. He told Britney to get help before it’s too late.”

I misjudged that K-Fed. I thought he was threatening to take away the kids for money! Silly me!

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K-Fed Wants 50 Mil

From Life&Style:
' The only way Britney Spears can guarantee she’ll keep custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 16 months, and Jayden James, 4 months, is to give in to Kevin Federline’s settlement demands.

Brit’s estranged hubby turned down a $10 million offer in December and is now asking for an astonishing $50 million — about one third of Brit’s net worth — to give up full custody of the kids.

“She’s been crying practically nonstop,” says a friend of Brit’s. '


Wow, he must really love his kids to not want to give them up for anything less than 50 million dollars. And Britney sure does look like she's broken up over it, making out with K. Fed 2.0 all over the place lately.

K-FED HAS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

Still attempting to hang on to his remaining :05 seconds, K-Fed posted the following on his website:

"Happy New Year everyone!! I hope you all had a safe and happy holiday! 2007 is going to be bigger & better...watch out! Stay tuned for a BIG surprise to be announced very soon!!!!!"


Did he get someone else pregnant? Is there going to be a Popozao, part 2?

Sadly, I have a feeling this is going to affect WWE fans like myself as it is rumored K-Fed is going to be hired as a "manager" to one or two wrestlers. It is the perfect niche for him. Where else can you get a job where you can make money getting beat up and having people boo you?

More Britney Fun!

TMZ has learned the temporary custody agreement between Britney and K-Fed:

Britney and Kevin will have joint legal custody of their two children, one-year-old Sean Preston and four-month-old Jayden James. Britney will have the lion's share of physical custody. Kevin's physical custody is extremely limited. He will be allowed to be with the children from noon to 4:00 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Spears' residence. Under the agreement, Spears can be present, but no one may interfere with Federline's right to be with the children. Also under the terms of the stipulation, Federline is allowing Spears to take the children to Miami for a week, starting today through the 11th." No agreement has been reached on custody matters after January.



You know K-Fed's like "Yeah, whatever. I'll agree to that for now. But I'll win custody when it matter$." Her recent behavior is certainly making it easy for him.

Well anyway, good luck to Britney with actually being a mom for the next week. I hope she keeps it low-key, I can't keep up with her anymore.

Oh! Speaking of Britney (see what I mean)! She posted the following letter to her fans on her website (I took the liberty of interpreting Britney's actual thoughts) :

"Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. [It has been a while since my PR rep has written up a desperate plea to my fans to explain my latest fuckup y'all]The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. [It is easier to blame the evil media than take responsibility for my actions ] Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it. [Ummmm, A Parent Contr a dick on? I don't pay attention to big words]

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. [I've really made a mess of my career] I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." [You may have seen my woman parts lately] I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! [Yeah right, I've been partying my ass off y'all!] I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. [My record label is about to drop me]I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever [Well, I am bigger], and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. [I'll be appearing at Walmart openings throughout the country] I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. [I could give two shits about some obsessed dork, I'm rich remember?] If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move [again, remember, it's the MEDIA y'all], but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! [Please, come back! Look: "Oh baby baby.....]

Love,
Britney"

K-Fed Hits on Firecrotch

US Weekly reports that K-Fed texted Lindsay Lohan on December 22.

The message?
"We should hang out.”
Lindsay's reply: “Why would I hang out with you?”
K-Fed's reply to Lohan's diss?
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Wait for it.
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"FIRECROTCH!"

A 20-minute close-up of Gene Snitsky's back would have been more entertaining.

Ok, are we done now? Please? No more K-Fed, please! Hopefully I think they may be moving on now since Vince McMahon called out Donald Trump last night, trying to now get in on the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell spat. Um, yeah, a bit late on that one too dude. You really need to hire better writers (ones that don't ask how they make the blood look so real). Call me.

So anyway, for those that didn't watch: They wasted 20 minutes on K-Fed coming into the ring and getting ready for the big fight. Then Cena laughed at him and threw him around for awhile but then all these other people interfered and ganged up on Cena and K-Fed was able to take advantage of the situation and pin Cena for the win. Of course later in the show Cena got his revenge- he FU'd (his signature move, get it?) K-Fed---just like he did the first time K-Fed was on Raw a couple months ago. Stupid, predictable, waste of time. My boyfriend Edge so got gypped out of screen time because of this shit. Although, I will say, the "We Want Britney" chants were funny.

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Everyone be sure to only refer to him as K-Fed

So K-Fed was on WWE Raw frickin' again last night (Please Vince, it couldn't cost that much to buy out whatever dates he's contracted for!) to promote his gimmick match with John Cena on New Year's Day. He kept saying over and over how he does not want to be called K-Fed anymore and that he wants to only be known as Kevin Federline (watch video) Personally these days, I think he should be thankful if people refer to him as Assmunch Poopypants, so long as they are referring to him at all.

So stupid. This is like when J-Lo wanted to be Jennifer Lopez, and when Puff Daddy wanted to be P. Diddy and then just Diddy, and when Tom Cruise wanted Katie to be Kate. Enough with the stupid "I will now be referred to...." crap, especially when you don't even have the talent to backup your asshatness. Oh, and K-fed, get your damn weasel-face off wrestling bitch! I'd rather look at Snitsky's backne.

In related news - Edge and Orton beating the shit out of DX - HOT!