Goodbye 2008

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! (Anybody else as glad it's over as me?)

So now all that bullshit's over, it's time to look back at the fucked year that was 2008. And I decided that the best way I could do that was to put all the highlights (?) into a lameass parody.

But what song could I rip off that compiles past events into a catchy sing-a-long? Hmmm.

Oh yeah.

A Wrap-up Is Required

(sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")

(play the video and sing along with my words)

Marry conman? "no way!" so said Anne Hathaway
Cherry chapstick, kissed a girl; Phelps gets the gold
Paul McCartney divorcin'; Superbowl - the Giants win
Jacko's career to diarrhea, Neverland is sold

Facebook dot com; Rock of Love; Kardashian
A-Rod she first denied, but then Madonna split with Guy
Miley/Hannah’s sixteen; Aiken is an out queen
Sex and the City, Twilight, Iron Man and Dark Knight

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Obama and Biden, McCain and Palin
Who is dumber? Joe the Plumber, what in the fuck?

Giuliani, Romney, John Edwards, and Hilary
Breaking down all the walls, Congrats to Barack

If you like it, put a ring; Heidi Montag tries to sing
Axl’s album, China ban, Dr. Pepper, a free can

The very humble KANYE WEST, with auto-tune he’s obsessed
Britney’s crazy, Britney’s sane, the music still sucks anyway!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Paul Newman, Isaac Hayes, Tim Russert, and Bettie Page
Heston, Bernie Mac, Carlin, and Pollack

Estelle Getty, Cyd Charrise, Heath Ledger, Rest in Peace
So hard to say goodbye.... wait, Amy Winehouse didn’t die?

Halle had a baby, so did Nic Richie
Jess Alba, J-Lo, Keith Urban and Nicole

Brangie, Christina A, even Matt McConaughey,
Britney’s sister, ut oh, didn’t use birth control!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

"By the way," said Silverman, "I'm fucking Matt Damon"
Jess Simpson - has-been, won't stop blabbin
Winners Philadelphia; Jonas Brothersmania
"Not cool" this again? - Jolie vs. Aniston

Locklear under arrest; Spitzer paid a lot for sex
Prop 8: not fair to gays; OJ's finally put away!!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Brenda Walsh is back again
Guest spots, Cook rocked, Tina Fey’s Palin mock
Reality on the incline with writers on the picket line
The best villain that we had was Archuletta’s stage dad

Mortgage crisis, market dive, financial suicide
Too much debt, layoff threats, CEO’s still on their jets
Auto execs take the floor, government bailouts they score
Slip into recession more, now everybody’s fucking poor!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning

A wrapup is required
And now the year gone
But bullshit still goes on, and on, and on, and on...

Holiday Songs for 2008

Is this commercial creeping anybody else out?

For real! It's just fucking wrong! If I were a kid, this kind of crap would ruin Christmas for me.

Listen up kids, don't believe this garbage ok? Yes Virgina, Jessica Simpson and Donald Trump are right, there really IS a Santa Claus, but he's not some weird skinny douche with a smartphone.

To get that mess out of our heads and warm our chilled heartstrings back up here's a local commercial starring this guy named Good Ol' Tom. Now, unlike that Palm Centro tool, Good Ol' Tom is a warm-hearted, huggable real-life Santa, helping people in these hard times by giving them cash for their old broken jewelery and family heirlooms.



You know the class ring guy went on a crack binge after that!


That was touching, I know, but this one is the best. I dare you not to tear up at this Clio deserving masterpiece:



Gets me every time! "Thank you Raymond!"

Porn Shop Musical!!

Check out Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens posing with a fan as they shop for some new toys!

Looks like Vanessa is in the baking section. I never knew you can buy cupcake pans in the shape of balls with mini-penis candles! How sweet of her to bake for Zac!

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Fight at the Rock of Love Charm School reunion, and it's not Heather!

On Rock of Love Charm School a few weeks ago, Megan Hauserman was expelled after she kicked Brandi M. Host Sharon Osbourne told her she just would not tolerate violent behavior.

However, what Sharon didn't mention to Megan at the time was that the no violence rule did not apply to her!

At the RoL Charm School reunion special taping Saturday night, Megan insulted Sharon by telling her that she was "only famous for managing a brain dead rock star." Oh snap!! (Oh Megan, you poor, dumb, slut. That may very well be true, but you never, EVER say it to Sharon's face!) That was it. Sharon reportedly jumped up, ran across the stage and grabbed Megan by her hair and beat her ass down. Security had to separate the two. Megan went to the hospital the following day and was seen exiting wearing a sling. She also filed a report with the LAPD.

Megan is next up to star in her own VH1 reality show called Trophy Wife (Christ, make this shit stop!) in which she searches for love with a sugardaddy. She may not need one after this is all settled.

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Tom and Matt Part 2: Less Glib, More Boring

In order to get people to pay money to see his new movie, Valkyrie, Tom Cruise is in the middle of a desperate attempt to convince the public that he is not a crazyfuck. This morning to returned to the Today Show to make nice with Matt Lauer after Glibgate '04 (Holy crap, that was almost FIVE years ago?!!)

In the clip above, Tom says he came across as "arrogant" and said that he learned a lesson from the incident. Then he and Matt Lauer made out. Then a giant meteor crushed all the waving morons.

Another Baby!

Naomi Watts gave birth to her and Liev Schreiber's second child yesterday. They had a boy, but the name was not released.

They have a one-year boy named Alexander.

Let's hope they keep up the "normal baby name" trend!

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Ho, Ho, Creepy Flesh Colored Beard!

Santa: "You would not believe the number of people who have asked me to make you two go away!"

Charlie and Denise's daughters in 4 car pileup

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards's daughters were involved in a car accident yesterday afternoon when a Honda Civic cut off the Mercedes the girls were riding in (driven by their nanny), causing a four car pileup.

Fortunately Sam and Lol were not harmed. The only person who was injured was the driver of the Honda, who was taken to the hospital.

Charlie's publicist Stan Rosenfiled told PEOPLE, "Charlie told me that the girls are fine. He said it could have been much worse. They were in their car seats, and he is extremely grateful for the safety features from Mercedes.”

In related news, the girls also seem to (so far) be unharmed from a recent train wreck they were involved in.

When auto-tune attacks!

Congrats Ashlee Simpson! You no longer have the worst musical performance in Saturday Night Live history!

David Cook once again proves that he is the most awesome person on the face of the Earth

"Suck it Archuletta!"

Our leader finally speaks to us!! Directly!

Our leader has been MIA ever since the release of Chinese Democracy -no interviews, no press, no promotion, no Axl. (That's where I've been by the way, searching all the caves of Malibu one by one with a lantern and a bucket of KFC--sadly to no avail.)

But then all of a sudden, last Thursday, someone with the screenname "Dexter" randomly appeared on the forum of mygnr.com and started going off on another poster, calling him a "cunt." The two went back and forth for awhile and it was eventually revealed that Dexter was in fact Axl Rose (he disguised himself by using "cunt" instead of "fuckhead.") After the site admin confirmed that it was in fact, the real Axl, he then began answering questions from fans on everything from being late to shows, the reunion rumors, and Oprah, and being pretty open (and funny) while doing it.

If that wasn't enough, "Dexter" then went over to another fansite, heretodaygonetohell.com and once again, answered even more questions.

Then the next day he took Carpal Tunnel Tour '08 over to chinesedemocracy.com

You can read a transcript of all of chats HERE. (the best part is when he says he's skateboarding in blue jello while on acid and wearing the white booty shorts) It's pretty amazing stuff (well if you're a nutswingin' diehard like me) and I gotta say, that's a pretty damn cool thing to do. In fifteen years when the next album is released this will definitely rank in the top five of the new Great Moments in Axl History!

Merry Christmas OJ!!!

Heidi and Spencer's Fake ass Honeymoon Photos

Everyone's favorite couple, Heidi and Spencer, topped off their fake-ass wedding with a fake-ass honeymoon. Of course, they brought along a photographer to document every wretched moment. You can see all the photos on TMZ (there's over 100!), but actually, some of them weren't so bad:

"Hey Joel, you were right! That flesh-colored beard IS creepy!"

Asshat Hollywood would like to extend its best wishes to the happy couple!

Asshats of the Week

Memorize the faces of the two bitches above so you can spit on them if you ever see them.

Their names are Brianna Broitzman (19, left) and Ashton Larson (18, right) and they have been named in a lawsuit along with four other teenagers for abusing elderly Alzheimer's patients in a Minnesota nursing home. The other four girls were not named since they are minors (Bullshit! I hope someone finds out their names and posts them all over the internet!). Their parents must be so proud!

So what exactly did these sperm-better-off-left-in-the-condom little cunts do? Here's a list:

Brianna poked one resident's breasts, spit a loogie into the mouth of another elderly person, stuck her fingers in a resident's mouth and nose to make them scream (which she thought was hysterical), and stuck her bare ass in the face of another resident. She has a total of eleven criminal counts.

Ashton "inserted her finger into a resident's rectum," spit water on another, and would deliberately bathe a resident in a rough manner so the elderly man would get an erection. Sick! She has ten counts.

There's more on the Smoking Gun in the official documents. It's really disgusting. They took photos of a lot of this stuff too.

The girls defense? They were "just having fun." Way to insult Cyndi Lauper you little twats!! This is NOT what she had in mind. Yup, the girls would get together each day and laugh about all their silly antics. They figured they would not get caught because "the residents did not have their right minds."

Each bitch faces up to a year in jail for each of the counts. Here's hoping everyone on the jury has a parent or grandparent in a nursing home.

Oh, here's the best part, you ready? The name of the facility this all went down in is the Good Samaritan Society Nursing Home. Guess, they'll have to change the name.

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Dear men of Hollywood,

Please stop with the freakin' moustaches!

Set your Tivo!

PEOPLE reports that the Duggars plan to let the TLC network film the birth of their 18th (not a typo) child and air the footage for all to watch.

It will look something like this:

Blake Incarcerated

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is going back to the slammer.

Blake's lawyer confirmed the news to PEOPLE today, but did not say why, though rumor is it's because Blake failed a drug test. Shocking!

Blake, who was sentenced for 27 months on assault charges, had been released early to rehab, but since he has been recalled, he now must serve the remainder of his sentence behind bars. That means he'll be locked up until 2010.

Last night, Blake allegedly ran away from rehab to visit Amy, who is currently in (another) rehab facility. He reportedly begged Amy to forgive him.(for getting her hooked on drugs?)

No word on Amy's response, but when reached for comment on Blake's reincarceration, she said "BLLLLLAAAAAAAKEEEE!"

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Quick!! Who is this?

If you said Barry Manilow, you're.......................WRONG!!

If you said Clay Aike, you're..............................WRONG!!


It's our old friend Phil Spector at his trial. What's with the pin btw? Is he hoping for a pardon or something?

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Happy Birthday Britney!

(The New and Improved) Britney celebrated her 27th birthday last night in New York. Here's hoping 27 is a better year than 26 was.

Everything that is wrong with music today

So KANYE WEST... beat my boy Axl in the race for #1 album (in this country anyway. Chinese Democracy went platinum in Finland bitches!) While Axl remains missing, Kanye is currently having his head measured to so his asinine Star Trek glasses can be refitted to accommodate his (even more) expanded head.

KANYE is so impressed with his new album, 808s and Heartbreak, that he has reportedly turned his back on the hip-hop genre altogether, as he claims it has become a "cliche," and will now focus on a new genre he has created which he refers to as "pop art."

"This is not hip-hop music. Taking a sample, looping it and doing all that 'throw your hands up in the sky' thing has become such a cliche. Hip-hop is over for me. I sing, not rap, on this album. I now want to be grouped among those musicians you see in those old black-and-white photos - the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles. And I'm not going to get there by doing just another rap album full of samples. I've had to create a whole new musical genre to describe what I'm doing now and I'm calling it 'pop-art' - which is not to be confused with the visual art movement."

Christ, where do I begin? Ok, first off, while I agree with Kanye's assessment of the hip-hop genre, it was ALREADY cliche when he came on to the scene, so the way I see it, he owes all of his success to the fact that it was already at the point where any moron can become a successful hip hop artist!

Secondly, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and the Beatles never used fucking auto-tune! A vocoder is NOT singing and a product it was used in should never be referred to as "art." Do people actually like the way that shit sounds? This is very troubling to me. Worst fucking invention in music since Britney Spears. And it's all your fault Cher.

Kanye recently compared the current musical landscape to the greatness of the 60's and 70's. Yeah, ok. Shit, the 90's (which sucked!) were better than most of the garbage that's out today. Know what people had in the 60's and 70's Kanye? Talent. These days, people decide they want to be stars before they even know if they have any talent. Because it doesn't matter anymore. Singles have replaced albums, autotune have replaced singing ability, The Pussycat Dolls have replaced The Supremes, and Guitar Hero has replaced guitars.

I sound like a pissy old fuck, I know, but maybe that's because I am one now and I finally understand where the pissy old fucks that used to complain about the synthesized music I loved as a child in the 80's and how it wasn't "real music" were coming from. And that shit was more "art" than today's crap!

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American Music Awards

Last night were the American Music Awards. I don't normally watch them, but there was apparently a rumor that our leader would finally be appearing before us and it seemed like an actual possibility. So I armed myself with a bottle of Merlot and decided to watch it instead of my other television option, WWE Survivor Series (which I figured would suck since the most awesome wrestler ever, my beloved Edge, has been gone for the past three months).

Although throughout the night, host Jimmy Kimmel made references to a "surprise guest," it wasn't Mr. Rose. We did get braids, but they belonged to Alicia Keys, who closed the show performing with Queen Latifah as special guest #1 (some "surprise", they kept showing her in the audience!) and some opera singer.



Though that was a letdown, it was nice to see somebody actually singing and playing an instrument instead of singing three lines and dancing to backup singers/taped vocals because that's what the show mainly consisted of.

Even Christina followed the theme of the evening with her opening number:


I will admit though, every time I see Beyonce do this performance it memorizes me and I sit and watch the entire thing:


Then I go on YouTube and watch other people do it. Then I watch the original routine that was the inspiration. Then I do it in front of my bathroom mirror. Then I shoot myself.

Speaking of suicidal (or is that homicidal):


Seriously sweetie, no man is worth that, let alone a Jonas brother. And why no reaction shot? They weren't afraid to get one after every recycled Russell Brand joke Jimmy Kimmel attempted:



So then Kanye said he wanted to be Elvis:


And this was the result:


Here's Scott Weiland introducing Pink who will be performing a song called "Sober." Oh the irony:


And Pink rocked that shit:



The most awesome person in the world, David Cook gets stuck doing the pre-show and then got cut for a commercial:


But they had enough time for this garbage:

Can those other girls even sing?

IT'S MILEY!



Didn't get it then:

Crotchgrabs? Ewww.

And don't get it now:

Thank god for alcohol.

Meanwhile, on Survivor Series:


Yup.

Great Moments in Axl History #4-1!

We're in the homestretch homefucks!!!

#4. Goodbye (for now) old band.



What many fans were dreading was finally confirmed back in 1996 when Slash and Duff, the last two original members (besides Axl) of Guns N' Roses quit the band and left Axl with nothing but the name. Axl promised to have a new album (with an all new band) the following summer (that would be 1997). Well, we all know how that went.

In the meantime Slash, Duff, and drummer Matt Sorum joined up with Scott Weiland (good choice after spending so many years with a volatile singer!) and formed Velvet Revolver in 2003. They released two albums with some success. Then, in a familiar story, personalities clashed with their singer and soon Scott was out just in time for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion. This left the three members again looking for a new frontman. Many names flew around, including Lenny Kravitz, but before that happened, the band was dropped from their record label.

Axl finally got around to releasing that album.

Of course everyone wants a reunion of the original band, but as of now, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen (especially if Slash hears a song called "Sorry"), but never say never. After all, Chinese Democracy has been released! So anything is possible!

Until then, we'll always have memories like this:


#3. GIMME SOME REGGAE!!!



I wonder whatever happened to Tracy and Roberta.


#2. "Thanks to the lame ass security, I'm going home!"

It was the perfect moment. GN'R, the best song of all time:"Rocket Queen", a dead Muppet, and the TIGHTY WHITEY BOOTY SHORTS. But then something happened.



Axl was later arrested for the incident and who was there to get the first interview when he was released from court? Duh!



Wanna know why Axl hasn't commented on Chinese Democracy? Nobody asked Kurt Loder to interview him.

#1. It really happened:



What the hell are you still doing here? Get your ass to Best Buy!! (and don't forget to get your free Dr. Pepper) Axl will be pleased.

FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

(See you again in about fifteen years for the next batch.)

Alright, that sucked!

Great Moments in Axl History #5

First off, way to copy me MTV!




#5. Axl's down with the Governator

We've spent so much time covering Axl's enemies, that it would seem like he doesn't have any friends. But that's not true! One of his dearest is Ahnold Schwarzenegger.

Long before Chinese Democracy, Arnold the Governor of Caleefornia, and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, GN'R's song "You Could Be Mine" was used in Terminator 2. And the video was awesome. It featured clips of the movie, a cameo by Arnold as the Terminator, and THE TIGHTY WHITY BOOTY SHORTS!! It doesn't get much better than that!



Here's everyone talking about the making of the video:



This wasn't the only time Axl's music was used in one of Arnie's movies. "Oh My God" was featured on the soundtrack to End of Days, but it's best leaving both that song and movie forgetten.

THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Kelly Osboune engaged!

Now we know why Ozzy's doing those cell phone commercials. He has a wedding to pay for!

US Weekly reports that Kelly Osbourne is getting married! Her boyfriend, model Luke Worrall made the announcement on his Facebook page when he changed his online relationship status to "engaged to Kelly Osbourne."

The couple has been dating for six months. Kelly is 23 and Luke is 18. Kelly, you cougar!! At least unlike some people, he's legal.

Congrats to the happy couple who I'm sure will have a long, happy marriage!

Sexiest Man Alive

Just in time for his new movie, Hugh Jackman has been named PEOPLE magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!


Hey does this mean they're going to bring back Viva Laughlin?

Watch out Pussycats, there's a new show in town!

Melanie Brown (aka Mel B) and Kelly Monaco are set to star in a new burlesque show in Vegas called PEEPSHOW. Although the dancers in the show will be topless, Mel and Kelly will not be. (For anyone that wants to see Kelly's boobs, just google "Kelly Monaco Playboy") Both women have appeared on Dancing With the Stars.

Here's the plot, Kelly's character is "Little Bo Peep," a timid and lonely girl who is guided by Mel's, "Peep Diva,"who says she will be "scantily clad, but in a classy way."

Mel went on to tell PEOPLE, "This is an original show. The Peep Diva is a diva, but it's all about empowering Kelly's part."

I know, wow! Although, I think I saw a porno like that once.

Like the Pussycat Doll lounge act, the show will have a revolving cast of guest (C-list) celebrities starring in it. Let's just hope this show doesn't spawn a pop group.

Let's check in the rehearsals:

Great Moments in Axl History #9-6

Sorry, sorry!! I know y'all have been anxiously awaiting the latest installments of Great Moments in Axl History, but I figured the best tribute I can pay to him would be to make you wait for it!

Ok, that's not true. I was just lazy.



#9 The Evil Stephanie Seymour



Once upon a time in a far, far away land called Paradise City there lived a red-haired prince named Prince Axl. Now in this time, Prince Axl was a hot piece and could have had his pick of any of the maidens in the entire kingdom.

One day Prince Axl met a beautiful young woman named Stephanie and immediately fell in love with her. But little did Prince Axl know that the fair Stephanie was really evil and had cast a spell on him! So while Prince Axl wrote her love songs and gave her presents, The Evil Stephanie whored around with all of the other older and richer princes in the kingdom.

Finally, the spell wore off and Prince Axl realized he had been played. The two fought and each accused the other of abuse in the higher court. The village believed The Evil Stephanie because she's evil and Prince Axl was labeled a monster. (This one time, The Evil Stephanie morphed into her other form, a menancing black cat, and was almost caught. So to cover up her alter ego, she told everybody that Prince Axl made her go pee pee into the kitty litter box!) Prince Axl just wanted The Evil Stephanie to go away because what he thought was beautiful didn't live inside of her anymore and they reached an agreement out of the eye of the people of Paradise City.

The Evil Stephanie Seymour eventually married some old, wealthy, king and had babies with him to ensure her endless riches while poor Prince Axl was heartbroken for many years and went into hiding, writing many sad songs. (Hear them on Chinese Democracy, available November 23rd exclusively at Best Buy!)

(Also, beware whenever you see a menacing black cat because it could be The Evil Stephanie Seymour on the prowl.)


#8. Who's the Boss? Duh, who do you think? (AKA: Axl saves the day!)

Here's another story, but this one is a really cool . The plan was for Elton John and Rod Stewart to perform the song "Come Together" to honor John Lennon at the 1994 Rock and Roll Hall Fame ceremony where John was to be (posthumously) inducted as a solo artist. However an earthquake in Los Angeles changed those plans when it hit shortly before the event and they were not able to make it.

The production crew scrambled during the live show to get a replacement to perform the song. They literally went table to table at the ceremony looking for someone! So first, they approached Bruce Springsteen, who politely refused. Then they saw Axl at the next table and asked him. Axl said yes and then pulled up a chair next to Bruce. The two were then seen going over the lyrics for a couple minutes. When the act that was playing onstage during all of this left the stage, Axl and Bruce got up from the table, walked onstage and came together to perform the song.



I always love seeing Axl perform with a straight man as well as on a small stage (the musical equivalent of "fat guy in a little coat"). Awesomeness.


#7. Axl vs. Eagles of Death Metal (AKA: Axl vs. the Pigeons of Shit Metal)


In 2006, Axl invited a little known band called The Eagles of Death Metal (neither the Eagles nor death metal) out on tour with his band as the opening act. During the very first show while the Eagles were on, the audience started loudly booing them. Later, when Axl took the stage he asked the audience if they enjoyed "the Pigeons of Shit Metal," and then told the crowd that he was kicking them off the tour because they sucked.

There are rumors that new GN'R bassist, Tommy Stinson threw down his bass in response to Axl's comment and that Axl picked it up and threw it at him. (Don't know, can't find a video of it, but Tommy's still in the band, so....)

Another reason EODM singer Jesse Hughs claims for Axl's comment was that earlier that night Jesse referred to Axl's BFF Sebastian Bach as "Savage Animal." He claims a pissed off Sebastian told Axl, who wasn't pleased.

Whatever the reason, The Eagles of Death Metal responded to the firing by releasing a statement where they lamely inserted names of GN'R songs:

“ At first, the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city. Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o' mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die.”

Later, GN'R management asked the band to rejoin the tour, but they refused. In the end The Eagles of Death Metal ended up receiving full pay for the whole tour despite only playing one show. Not t0o shabby! Hughs mentioned that after the story broke he received a text message from Dave Grohl: (see #33) ‘Disappointment from Axl is like being knighted.’ Well Dave has a point there.

NOTE: Interestingly, yesterday Jesse Hughs praised Chinese Democracy on mtv.com. Sounds like somebody wants another opening slot chance.


#6. Axl vs. Tommy Hilfiger (AKA: "I don't want it to spill")


You remember this one, right? Two years ago at Rosario Dawson's birthday party at The Plumm nightclub in New York, Axl and Tommy Hilfiger got into a disagreement over a drink . Yes, a drink.

See Axl remembers when he was young and broke and a wasted bottle of Nightrain was a sin. So when it looked like Tommy's girlfriend's beverage of choice was dangling dangerously close to the edge of the table, Axl saved the precious alcohol by moving it over. But The Hilfiger got pissed and yelled, "Don't "fucking touch her fucking drink!" and took two swings at him.

Surprisingly, Axl didn't hit back. The Plumm owner Noel Ashman said, "Axl was a gentleman and had the good sense not to retaliate as he would have done some serious damage to Hilfiger." Tommy was escorted out of the club and Axl dedicated the song "You're Crazy" to his "good friend Tommy Hilfiger." Kid Rock, also at the party told Axl the whole incident was "totally Detroit!" because Detroit is known for their mean streets and out of control fashion designers.

Once again, to reenact these events, I give you: Some Guy on YouTube:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to Tom and Katie!!!

Hang in there Katie, only seven more years and 364 days to go!

They're real, and they're unspectacular!

Apparently there was recently a rumor that Katy Perry had breast implants. (I didn't hear it either, but then I tend to tune out everything about this annoying bitch.)

Katy set the record straight to The Sun, "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!"

So if they were free???

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Guy ain't getting a penny!

Madonna has signed on for $10 million to become the "new" face of Louis Vuitton. Madge was recently spotted out with Vuitton designer Marc Jacobs and is a longtime fan of the expensive clothing and accessories.


Another fan of pretentious bags that are worth a lot of money?

Alexander Rodriguez.

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Heigl's lovin' it

BREAKING NEWS!!! Katherine Heigl celebrated her 30th birthday last night in Hollywood with a 1920's themed party, but on the way, she stopped at Micky D's for some grub.

According to reports, the Rolls-Royce she was riding in went through a Hollywood drive-through and Katherine was spotted scarfing down a Big MAC in her expensive gown!! Who knew, she always seemed so healthy!

McDonald's later commented to New York Post, "Our food is well-known and well-liked by millions - including talented, world-famous actresses."

No word on who the talented, world-famous actresses are.

Hey, Katherine's old enough to remember this:

Uncoolgate today on Oprah

Ok, ok, I will now move on from my imaginary feud to a real-life one. Jen Aniston recently called Saint Angelina "uncool" in an interview after Ang mentioned how she looks forward to telling her kids that mommy and daddy were fucking around on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

So here's a clip of Jen explaining the comment (which she does not need to explain!!! Her husband cheated on her and the other woman rubbed it in her face!!! She's allowed to call that "uncool!") to The Oprah:

Even more reason he's the Asshat of the Week

Apparently, being the voice of the generation, does not mean that you are exempt from getting arrested.

Kanye West was leaving a nightclub in the U.K. early this morning when he saw a paparazzo taking his picture. This prompted him to push the camera into the photographer's face while shouting, “Get the fucking camera off him!” Kanye was arrested three hours laster at his hotel. He was then released and has not been charged.

The man, Terry Blackburn, says he has been suffering with a cut face and bruising since the incident. TMZ obtained a photo of his boo-boo.

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Are you listening Axl???? Kanye is trying to steal your thunder!! Beating up people with cameras is YOUR gig! Do something!!!

Asshat of the Week

There's delusions of grandeur and then there's Kanye West.

In an interview, Kanye recently spurtled out this mouthful of verbal diarrhea:

"I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,. It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan."

Hey Kanye,

Oh sorry,

HEY KANYE!! LIL BOW WOW BEGS TO DIFFER! HE GOT THE MAGIC SNEAKERS, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kanye then went on to call out Timberfuck, claiming Justin's slacking off was his gain ( of being the voice of the generation):

"There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums. And it just came out to be that."

Ok, seriously. Everybody go out to Best Buy next Sunday and buy a copy of Chinese Democracy. Even if you don't like the band, do it for better good. We really need to stop this. Not having the number 1 album, will knock him down a little, you know? And even if you like Kanye, do it for his own good, because any more success and his head will explode.

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Great Moments in Axl History #10

Wow, we've hit the top ten already!!!

#10 Axl vs. Vince Neil (listen up Kanye!)

Perhaps the most famous of all of Axl's feuds, was the one with Vince Neil. It all started at (where else?) the MTV Video Awards, when GN'R bandmate Izzy Stradlin hit on Vince's then-wife (I think that was about four wives ago...) Vince took a shot at Izzy. Say it with me: Axl wasn't pleased. He told Vince he was "going to kill him." Soon it became all about Axl and Vince and everybody forgot Izzy had anything to do with it at all (just like with Guns N' Roses!)

The two went back and forth challenging each other. Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar even offered to put up the money to have the fight at Madison Square Garden. But like most of the rest, the fight never happened.






THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

My dream come true!!!

So guess what? Kanye West has moved up his album release date to November 24th!!! That's right, the day after Chinese Democracy comes out!! Please please please let this turn into a feud!!

As for the reason? Kanye blogged: "I CHANGED MY ALBUM TO NOVEMBER SOMETHING CAUSE I FINISHED THE ALBUM AND I FELT LIKE IT.. I WANT YALL TO HEAR IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

But it looks like Kanye is picking a fight with the wrong person. On his blog today, Kanye posted a photo of Killers' front man Brandon Flowers with the heading "FRESH KID." Hmmm...that's random. Not! See, The Killers' new album has also been pushed up one day to Monday November 24th. (New releases usually come out on Tuesdays.)

No, no, no Kanye!!

Wait, let me rephrase that so you understand:

NO NO NO KANYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRANDON FLOWERS IS NO MATCH FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT 2 SPAR WITH YOUR TRUE THREAT, I SUGGEST YOU GET IN THE RING WITH ONE W. AXL ROSE... OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST AFRAID 2 BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE'LL KICK YOUR BITCHY LITTLE ASS... LISTEN HERE AXL IS THE TRUE MESSIAH AND KING OF RANTS WHO THROWS TANTRUMS AND SHOWS UP LATE 2 SHOWS, NOT YOUR COPYCAT PUNKASS... LOOK FUCKHEAD , I SEE YOU STANDING THERE... YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL? WHY DON'T YOU JUST POST A PHOTO OF AXL WITH THE HEADING "STALE MAN"... I DARE YOU 2!!!!!!!! DO IT KANYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DARE YOU TO RISK INVOKING THE WRATH OF OUR LEADER... DO IT YOU PARASITIC HOMEFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT ON YOUR NICEST PINK POLO SHIRT AND THOSE ASININE GLASSES WITH THE SLOTS AND CHALLENGE MR. ROSE TO A DUEL LIKE YOU DID WITH 50 CENT... AXL'S MORE GANGSTA THAN HIM ANYWAY ... SEE AXL GOT SKILLS.. MAYBE YOU DON'T CONSIDER HIM A THREAT BECAUSE MOST OF YOUR FANS DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS OR THINK HE IS NO LONGER RELEVANT, BUT DON'T COUNT OUT ALL THE OLD ROCK FANS WHO ARE GOING 2 GO OUT 2 BEST BUY 2 BUY THE ALBUM THEY'VE BEEN WAITING 2 HEAR FOR WAY 2 LONG, ABOUT 2 HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE WARNED SQUID BRAINS....HE'LL KNOCK YOUR ASS DOWN 2 THE PAVEMENT....YOU STILL 2 CHICKEN? THAT'S OK, LUCKY FOR YOU, THAT CHICKEN COOP AXL BUILT FOR BUCKETHEAD IS VACANT, SO YOU CAN GO LIVE IN THERE... CHINESE DEMOCRACY STARTS NOW... SO TAKE THAT ONE TO HEART!!!

Round one! You're welcome Axl.

Come on, Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!

In related news, the new Ludacris album has also been moved up a day to November 24th. Wow, it's like they're all a bunch of women whose cycles synched up!

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Flea better make a cameo!

HBO is developing a series based on Anthony Kiedis's childhood. Anthony is involved in the project, called "Scar Tissue" ("Californication" was already taken). There is concern over the content of show because in his autobiography, also called "Scar Tissue," Anthony brags about having sex with underage girls including actress Ione Skye when she was only 15.

An HBO spokesman said, "We did not buy the rights to his book, and we are not dramatizing the book. This project is focused on Anthony's life as an adolescent." The show will apparently focus on Kiedis and his drug-dealing and Sunset Strip hangin' father. So basically, it's "Everybody Hates Chris", but with rock stars and heroin.

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"Just go wait on the bench Cynthia"

A "baseball insider" revealed to the NY Post that A-Rod is still in love with ex-wife Cynthia and asked her to "wait for him" to him to get tired of screwing around with Madonna. Seriously.

The source said, "He has always wanted to be a superstar and he is in awe of Madonna, but Cynthia is his true love and best friend. He has been asking her to just let him get through this obsession.''

Aww, what girl wouldn't be swept off her feet after hearing a confession of love like that?

The source also claims that "Madonna is completely insensitive to [Cynthia] and possessive of him.''

Goodbye (for now?) MadTV

It was confirmed yesterday that Mad TV will end it's run after 14 seasons on Fox.

It is rumored that the show may be picked up by another network. Executive producer David Salzman said, "We've had a number of networks inquire as to whether the show was coming off Fox and saying that they'd be interested. We have not started to talk to them yet, but now is the time to begin those conversations. I think we have real prospects, but you never know, especially given the economy."

Whatever happens, we'll always have our memories of Stuart.



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Neverland No More

The title to the Neverland Ranch was transferred this past Monday to a company called Sycamore Valley Ranch Company, LLC, which is a joint venture between Michael Jackson and a division of a New York based private equity firm named Colony Capitol (who took over Michael's $24.5 million debt on the property earlier this year.) Colony owns many properties in Las Vegas including the Las Vegas Hilton. This has prompted rumors that Michael has signed on to have his own show in Las Vegas.

The property will no longer be called Neverland. It will now be referred to as Sycamore Valley Ranch in an attempt that people will no longer associate the property with child molestation, but instead with salad dressing.

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Paula Abdul Stalker found dead

A former American Idol contestant that was obsessed with Paula Abdul was found dead last night in a car parked near Paula's house. Police say Paula Goodspeed, 30, died of a drug overdose and have ruled the death a suicide. The car's license plate read "ABL LV."

LA police Captain James Miller said "Ms. Goodspeed's mother had gone to [the sheriff's department] to report her daughter missing, and advised them that she might be suicidal. The sheriffs determined that Ms. Goodspeed may be up in the vicinity by Paula Abdul's house. Our officers discovered her vehicle parked on the street, and found her inside. She was unresponsive to officers."

Paula Abdul was not at home when Paula was found. She released the following statement: "I am deeply shocked and saddened at what transpired yesterday. My heart and prayers go out to her family."

Here is Paula's audition from Season 5:

Watch more Dailymotion videos on AOL Video

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