They're all wasted!

Wish I was, it would have made last night's show even better.

For anyone who doesn't watch the hour-long American Idol results show because you don't want to sit through 55 minutes of filler, commercials, and guest performances by Today's Top Stars! well you missed out big time last night. I don't normally recap results shows, but this one NEEDS to be.

See Jason, knowing he was going home, thought it would be a nice way to say goodbye to all his friends at American Idol by baking everybody some special brownies.

First Jason offered some to the choreographer for the cheesy opening group song. When Paula heard, she was like "how come you guys never ask me to choreograph these numbers anyway? You know I'm a choreographer right?" And the choreographer was like, "well we want to make the kids look as stupid as possible and that snake move you do is just too awesome for this kind of thing. But I'm kind of feeling tired and would much rather go watch the Wizard of Oz while playing Dark Side of the Moon, so let's hear what you got."

So Paula took a bite of the brownie and said "Ok, how about this. You know what would be cool man? Let's make them all walk really fast...yeah, to Steely Dan! And throw in some box steps and finger snapping! OOH, and then, for the big guitar solo, the door can open and the real guitar player from Steely Dan could come out!!!"

And the choreographer said "well we tried to get him, but he's not available." So then Paula said, "how about Randy Jackson?" "Well, the choreographer said, "he plays bass, but we were gonna ask him anyway, however he was too busy building his shrine to David Archuleta." So Paula was like, "Well shit then. How about that guy? You know, that guy over there. We'll still make it look like a big deal though so maybe we'll fool some people. Oh, and then the kids could suddenly appear over the stage like they teleported or some shit like that....You ever wonder if teleporting is possible?....you know like molecules separating and reforming....maybe they do on some other planet..I always wondered if I was from some other planet...."

That went on a while. They were all so baked that Paula's idea sounded good so this was the end result:



(You only really need to watch Jason)

So with that accomplished, Jason took some brownies to the set of the Ford "music video" commercial hoping to fuck with everyone a little more.

After a plate of deliciousness, the director decided it would "like, totally be fucking A" to make the contestants wear bright spandex matador outfits, sing "Ring of Fire", and paso double with a Ford Mustang. (For real, you have to be baked to come up with this shit.)



Jason then offered David Cook a brownie and David was like "Fuck no man! I think I've just contracted anorexia thanks to these lime green spandex pants! Who's fucking idea was this anyway?" Jason responded, "Archuleta's dad, I think." So Jason ate his brownies.

He then offered one to Archuleta, but "dad says I'm not allowed any treats until i win American Idol. I can only eat plain oatmeal and brussels sprouts." So Jason ate his brownies too.

Then he asked Syesha, but she said "No thanks, looking at the the three of your guys' smooshed up junk for the past two hours kinda killed my appetite." So Jason ate her brownies.

Then it was time for the pre-taped viewer call-in questions:



It was at that point that Jason regretted having all those brownies.

Next up, some crazyass bitch called in to ask David Cook to go on a date with her and prayed he'd say yes while David prayed for someone to pull the fire alarm :



David's like "First the pants and now this shit? Who did I piss off?"

Jason whispered: "Archuleta's dad dude."



Then Bo Bice!!!!



Yup, hair and makeup were stoned too and took a nap. Thank god! Love you as you are Bo! Notice how he keeps singing "Set me free!" He must have written this song while still under the 19E contract because that shit's worse than the one Katie Holmes signed.

Oh, I forgot, Maroon Five performed (the song sucked, so I'm not gonna bother looking for it on YouTube) but what was awesome is that the singer got into the whole spandex pants thing! Then he told the kids they will all end up jaded and in rehab.

Finally, after Ryan attempted a fakeout earlier in the show that Jason awesomely ruined, it was down to Jason and Syesha. Of course Nigel already told everyone that Jason was going home at 9:01 PM Tuesday night, so it wasn't really a shocker. Jason's reaction is awesome and his video package is even better because it includes a duet of epic proportions.


The rest of the season is all downhill from here.