Hello? Bueller?

First off, I'd like to apologize to the five people that read this site. I took some time off to deal with some personal crisises and other assorted bullshit that someone up there (or down there) thinks I can handle (Note to them: I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKER!! GO BOTHER RACHEL RAY OR SOMETHING.)

But looking back on what I missed, I can't feel too bad. There really hasn't been much excitement since the hoopla over over the Paris prison sentence (which while fine for gossip sites, the major news organizations should be royally ashamed of themselves for covering like 911.)

I mean, what the hell is going on with our Hollywood celebutards and sociallice? Paris is locked away, Nicole might be pregnant, the Olsen twins: still creepy, but legal now, and Britney's wearing panties. Yawnie, yawnie, mcyawn.

Yup, my spirit has been broken a little. I actually thought I'd be happy not having to hear about these morons for a while, but it's kind of sad in a way. Like, it kind of forces all of us to deal with our own shit instead of laughing at others' drunken missteps.

Anyway, I found myself thinking and walking alone, ok, I found myself looking for something to do to avoid doing actual work (which is piled to the ceiling) so I decided to put my thoughts into song and composed this little number about the downfall of our favorite girls. I hope you enjoy it. Ok, I hope you don't think it sucks. Too much. Ahh fuck it, don't read it then. No one's holding an umbrella to your head!

The Party Has Died
(sung to the tune of American Pie)

A short, short time ago...
I can still remember
How those skanks used to run wild
And I knew if I had my chance
Up on a table I’d dance
And, maybe, they’d be coked out for a while.

But then something made me shiver
Fate’s working harder than Lohan’s liver
Bad news on TMZ;
I think you’d probably agree

I can’t remember exactly what was said
When I read about how Britney shaved her head
But something told me deep inside
The party was gonna die

Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "please don’t say the party has died.
"Please don’t say the party has died

Where’s the Paris we know and love?
She now has faith in God above
Does the Bible tell her so
Do you believe in reforming hoes
Will prison save her spoiled soul
And can she still teach me how to dance on a pole?

Well, I know that you’re in love with Linds
And all the trouble she be gettin’ in
But her crotch burned out at the fuse.
Now she’s 12-steppin’ to get off the booze (or so she says)

Nicole was a loudmouth anorexic fuck
With her invitations instructing us to upchuck
But now she just may be knocked up
It really seems... the party’s died.

I started singin’,
Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "Please don’t say the party has died."
"Please don’t say the party has died"

[This is the last verse (if Madonna can do it, so can I) ] :

And in the streets: the paparazzi weeps
Mary Hart cries, and the publicists sleep
Not a dirty word is printed
Not a scandal is hinted

The blogs have nothing to post
Where are these girls when we need them most?
It’s time for the new generation to step up,
Come on Dakota, grab a cup!
And get this party revived

All together now:
Why, Why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’,
Please don’t say the party has died."