Because we need another American Idol recap

Top Twelve. The show - it's BIGGER! The stage - it's BIGGER!! The band - it's BIGGER!! Sanjaya's hair: it's BIGGER! Diana Ross is there to coach the contestants and pat some boobs in pasties, if need be. (Antonella's gone, so Diana should be all set on the latter.)

Brandon sings "You Can't Hurry Love." He can't hurry up and sing fast enough because it's boring. He forgot the words too. Ryan totally sets himself up by telling Simon to stay out of his closet. Simon, of course, answers with "Come out!" Oh just do it (again) already, you two! Melinda, oh just give her the Idol title already, is awesome and makes everybody stand up and cry--but she still can't believe people think she's good. "Me?" Girl, if it's an act, drop it. If it's real, get a clue. I'm totally over Chris Sligh. He took off the glasses and mixed Coldplay with Endless Love -two things he should never, ever, do again. Ryan tries to play Pass The Gay Innuendo with Chris and asks him if he's dreamed of singing a Diana Ross song on a huge stage since he was a little boy. Simon, thankfully, doesn't take the bait this time. Diana Ross tells Gina to pronounciate, not to be confused with enunciate, every word. Unfortunately Gina has trouble with both because she has a tongue ring--but it sure looks super-rebellious with her latest outfit from Hot Topic! MET-AL! After her performance, Paula referred to her selection, "Love Child", as "a feel good song." Well I suppose that could be true, so long as you're not a POVERTY STRICKEN BASTARD! Sanjaya......
Moving on, Haley sings "Missing You, " which Miss Ross reminds her, is about missing someone who DIED, not your fiancee, Haley! Randy and Paula make Haley cry, but Simon begs to diffah and even remembers her name (He even pauses, pleased with himself, and looks at her like she should be sooo grateful. I bet he gives Ryan the same look, you know, after.) because we need a sweet, pretty, white girl! Phil Stacey, aka Batboy (I didn't come up with that but now every time I see him, I can't not think of that!), sings"I'm Going to Make You Love Me." He doesn't succeed. Lakisha Jones, who will from here on out be called Kiki, does a really good job of not oversinging "God Bless the Child." I'm still not on the train. But I am still riding The Blake Lewis Express. He changes up "You Keep Me Hangin' On" with some beats, a Casio, and strobe lights. Everyone's all "what an original and current take on a classic!" Kim Wilde throws her remote at the tv. But Blake rules and could beat my box any day, if he's into that kind of thing. Stephanie Edwards sings the boring part of "Love Hangover" and gets scolded for it. Chris Timberlake sings really, really, really high and is the first contestant this season to try (note I said "try") to work the platform behind the judges. Jordin Sparks is the only contestant worthy enough to take on Melinda and Kiki, according to Simon anyway.

Tonight, Diana Ross performs, the upcoming charity show is pimped, more gay cracks between Simon and Ryan, the kids make a godawful "music video" for the sponsors, and Brandon, Phil, or Haley goes home.