Holiday Songs for 2008

Is this commercial creeping anybody else out?

For real! It's just fucking wrong! If I were a kid, this kind of crap would ruin Christmas for me.

Listen up kids, don't believe this garbage ok? Yes Virgina, Jessica Simpson and Donald Trump are right, there really IS a Santa Claus, but he's not some weird skinny douche with a smartphone.

To get that mess out of our heads and warm our chilled heartstrings back up here's a local commercial starring this guy named Good Ol' Tom. Now, unlike that Palm Centro tool, Good Ol' Tom is a warm-hearted, huggable real-life Santa, helping people in these hard times by giving them cash for their old broken jewelery and family heirlooms.



You know the class ring guy went on a crack binge after that!


That was touching, I know, but this one is the best. I dare you not to tear up at this Clio deserving masterpiece:



Gets me every time! "Thank you Raymond!"

Porn Shop Musical!!

Check out Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens posing with a fan as they shop for some new toys!

Looks like Vanessa is in the baking section. I never knew you can buy cupcake pans in the shape of balls with mini-penis candles! How sweet of her to bake for Zac!

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Fight at the Rock of Love Charm School reunion, and it's not Heather!

On Rock of Love Charm School a few weeks ago, Megan Hauserman was expelled after she kicked Brandi M. Host Sharon Osbourne told her she just would not tolerate violent behavior.

However, what Sharon didn't mention to Megan at the time was that the no violence rule did not apply to her!

At the RoL Charm School reunion special taping Saturday night, Megan insulted Sharon by telling her that she was "only famous for managing a brain dead rock star." Oh snap!! (Oh Megan, you poor, dumb, slut. That may very well be true, but you never, EVER say it to Sharon's face!) That was it. Sharon reportedly jumped up, ran across the stage and grabbed Megan by her hair and beat her ass down. Security had to separate the two. Megan went to the hospital the following day and was seen exiting wearing a sling. She also filed a report with the LAPD.

Megan is next up to star in her own VH1 reality show called Trophy Wife (Christ, make this shit stop!) in which she searches for love with a sugardaddy. She may not need one after this is all settled.

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Tom and Matt Part 2: Less Glib, More Boring

In order to get people to pay money to see his new movie, Valkyrie, Tom Cruise is in the middle of a desperate attempt to convince the public that he is not a crazyfuck. This morning to returned to the Today Show to make nice with Matt Lauer after Glibgate '04 (Holy crap, that was almost FIVE years ago?!!)

In the clip above, Tom says he came across as "arrogant" and said that he learned a lesson from the incident. Then he and Matt Lauer made out. Then a giant meteor crushed all the waving morons.

Another Baby!

Naomi Watts gave birth to her and Liev Schreiber's second child yesterday. They had a boy, but the name was not released.

They have a one-year boy named Alexander.

Let's hope they keep up the "normal baby name" trend!

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Ho, Ho, Creepy Flesh Colored Beard!

Santa: "You would not believe the number of people who have asked me to make you two go away!"

Charlie and Denise's daughters in 4 car pileup

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards's daughters were involved in a car accident yesterday afternoon when a Honda Civic cut off the Mercedes the girls were riding in (driven by their nanny), causing a four car pileup.

Fortunately Sam and Lol were not harmed. The only person who was injured was the driver of the Honda, who was taken to the hospital.

Charlie's publicist Stan Rosenfiled told PEOPLE, "Charlie told me that the girls are fine. He said it could have been much worse. They were in their car seats, and he is extremely grateful for the safety features from Mercedes.”

In related news, the girls also seem to (so far) be unharmed from a recent train wreck they were involved in.

When auto-tune attacks!

Congrats Ashlee Simpson! You no longer have the worst musical performance in Saturday Night Live history!

David Cook once again proves that he is the most awesome person on the face of the Earth

"Suck it Archuletta!"

Our leader finally speaks to us!! Directly!

Our leader has been MIA ever since the release of Chinese Democracy -no interviews, no press, no promotion, no Axl. (That's where I've been by the way, searching all the caves of Malibu one by one with a lantern and a bucket of KFC--sadly to no avail.)

But then all of a sudden, last Thursday, someone with the screenname "Dexter" randomly appeared on the forum of mygnr.com and started going off on another poster, calling him a "cunt." The two went back and forth for awhile and it was eventually revealed that Dexter was in fact Axl Rose (he disguised himself by using "cunt" instead of "fuckhead.") After the site admin confirmed that it was in fact, the real Axl, he then began answering questions from fans on everything from being late to shows, the reunion rumors, and Oprah, and being pretty open (and funny) while doing it.

If that wasn't enough, "Dexter" then went over to another fansite, heretodaygonetohell.com and once again, answered even more questions.

Then the next day he took Carpal Tunnel Tour '08 over to chinesedemocracy.com

You can read a transcript of all of chats HERE. (the best part is when he says he's skateboarding in blue jello while on acid and wearing the white booty shorts) It's pretty amazing stuff (well if you're a nutswingin' diehard like me) and I gotta say, that's a pretty damn cool thing to do. In fifteen years when the next album is released this will definitely rank in the top five of the new Great Moments in Axl History!

Merry Christmas OJ!!!

Heidi and Spencer's Fake ass Honeymoon Photos

Everyone's favorite couple, Heidi and Spencer, topped off their fake-ass wedding with a fake-ass honeymoon. Of course, they brought along a photographer to document every wretched moment. You can see all the photos on TMZ (there's over 100!), but actually, some of them weren't so bad:

"Hey Joel, you were right! That flesh-colored beard IS creepy!"

Asshat Hollywood would like to extend its best wishes to the happy couple!

Asshats of the Week

Memorize the faces of the two bitches above so you can spit on them if you ever see them.

Their names are Brianna Broitzman (19, left) and Ashton Larson (18, right) and they have been named in a lawsuit along with four other teenagers for abusing elderly Alzheimer's patients in a Minnesota nursing home. The other four girls were not named since they are minors (Bullshit! I hope someone finds out their names and posts them all over the internet!). Their parents must be so proud!

So what exactly did these sperm-better-off-left-in-the-condom little cunts do? Here's a list:

Brianna poked one resident's breasts, spit a loogie into the mouth of another elderly person, stuck her fingers in a resident's mouth and nose to make them scream (which she thought was hysterical), and stuck her bare ass in the face of another resident. She has a total of eleven criminal counts.

Ashton "inserted her finger into a resident's rectum," spit water on another, and would deliberately bathe a resident in a rough manner so the elderly man would get an erection. Sick! She has ten counts.

There's more on the Smoking Gun in the official documents. It's really disgusting. They took photos of a lot of this stuff too.

The girls defense? They were "just having fun." Way to insult Cyndi Lauper you little twats!! This is NOT what she had in mind. Yup, the girls would get together each day and laugh about all their silly antics. They figured they would not get caught because "the residents did not have their right minds."

Each bitch faces up to a year in jail for each of the counts. Here's hoping everyone on the jury has a parent or grandparent in a nursing home.

Oh, here's the best part, you ready? The name of the facility this all went down in is the Good Samaritan Society Nursing Home. Guess, they'll have to change the name.

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Dear men of Hollywood,

Please stop with the freakin' moustaches!