God Save the Queen!

That's Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilera hanging out with Princes William and Harry last night in London. Well actually, word is Harry "snubbed" Paris after she performed a "sexy dance" for him. William bit though - the two were later seen exchanging phone numbers. Later that evening, Paris' crabs bit William.

The whole run of events is here in London's Mirror but I'm having a hard time understanding it (I can't read English very well), so good luck with that.

Great moments in Axl History #37

With only 37 days to go until Moo shu and Dr. Pepper Day, I thought it would be fitting to have a clip countdown reminiscing on some of my favorite moments, as well as to provide an education to those young'ns not yet enlightened by the power of our leader, the man who will free China from communism.

#37 - Something Tastes Weird Yo

Back in 1988, Guns N' Roses were opening for Iron Maiden when they decided that they didn't want to anymore because that Eddie guy was creeping them out. To piss off Bruce Dickinson and company, they wrote a cute little rap song called "It Tastes Good, Don't It?" and performed it during their shows, hoping the explicit lyrics would get them thrown off the tour. Unfortunately for our heroes, Iron Maiden like to sing about the devil, so it didn't work so well. (Ironically, Axl's own throat problems forced them to cancel the rest of their shows with Iron Maiden.)

Not one to let a catchy ode to protein shakes go running off into the hills forever, our leader resurrected the song a few years later on the Use Your Illusion Tour as an interlude in Rocket Queen (a.k.a. The Greatest Song of All Time). Watch here as Axl earns his gangsta rap cred with his flow, NWA cap, and some kickass choreography. Damn, I miss those tighty-whities.



This has been a Great Moment in Axl history.
HUUUHH!!

Katie's Big Night!!

Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut last night in the Arthur Miller play, All My Sons to rave reviews!!! Well, I mean she "didn't embarrass herself".

Many fans showed up to cheer Katie on!




And look! Tom isn't dead!!! (Apparently there was a rumor going around yesterday of a rumor that Tom had fallen off a cliff. And I say a "rumor of a rumor', because no one actually heard a rumor that Tom had fallen off a cliff. Got that?)

So in love those two!!

Liz Hurley wants to make sure you are aware of Breast

..Cancer. Thanks dear, I think we are all aware now.

Here' s Liz and her globes at the Estée Lauder’s 2008 Global Lighting Initiative for Breast Cancer Awareness.

Screwin' Up With McCain

John McCain actually showed up this time on The Late Show With David Letterman last night, attempting to do some damage control for dissing Dave at the last minute for Katie Couric last month. When Dave called him out, John's excuse was "I screwed up." So, anotherwords....he's a politician. Pretty catchy though, that would make a good campaign slogan.

After Dave let him off way too easily they spoke a bit about America's Newest Sweetheart, Joe the Plumber.

Speaking of Joe, TMZ reported today that he owes $1,182.98 in back taxes and that his name isn't even Joe, it's Sam! I guess he figured Sam was already taken by butchers, but still, I feel so deceived!!! I just ordered my t-shirt and everything! I'm gonna go post on a Clay Aiken messageboard now.

By the way, is it just me or does Joe--I mean, Sam--The Plumber look an awful lot like Stone Cold Steve Austin?


IRS is gonna open a can of whoopass on him!

Deja Vu?

What's up fuckers?!


So I've been gone for two months, but it seems not much has changed. Madonna and Guy are splitting up and there's rumors she's with A-Rod (again!). David "loves the sex" Duchovney and Tea Leoni are separating(or actually, have been but they just didn't tell us.) And, oh look, there's John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston together...again. Somebody realized nobody gave a shit about his famewhorin' ass solo.

So yeah, same shit, different month.


I am sorry I missed Clay Aiken finally coming out and all the awesomeness that resulted from it. Seriously, if you are ever bored at work check out a Clay fanboard and read some posts from the "deceived" Claymates. It's some pretty funny (and scary) stuff.

So what else? The celebrity baby epidemic spread some more. We lost a legend (RIP Paul Newman). 90210 came back (and mostly sucked). My best friend from high school got married and didn't invite me. Bygones.

But I'm back now. And just in time for the Apocalypse next month! Ya'll know what I'm talking about, but I'm not going to actually say it in fear of jinxing it. And I'm not talking about having an African-American or a women (or hopefully, a plumber) in the White House for the first time in history. No, that's nothing compared to what will come nineteen days after that. Remember that scene in Independence Day where the aliens blasted that building and it started the end of the world? Well, go on down to your local Best Buy on November 23rd to see the shit in person. Or maybe not.

He'll get our country out of the shitter!

After watching last night's Presidential debate, I have finally decided who I am going to vote for! In eighteen days I will write my vote for Joe the Plumber!

Apparently I'm not the only one that had this brilliant idea. Not even 24 hours later, you can buy your very own Joe the Plumber t-shirt HERE.

I seriously predict this guy will get more votes than Nader ever did.

Milk your newfound fame Joe!!! Make a YouTube!

We will return after the following messages:

Michael Lohan is not allowed at Lindsay's wedding

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly banned her father from attending a party she and girlfriend Samantha Ronson are throwing at Hollywood's Peninsula Hotel on August 8th for "their closest friends and family." Hmmm, wonder what kind of party this is.

Lindsay allegedly even hired extra security to make sure only people on the guest list are let in. The reason she doesn't want Michael there is because he doesn't approve of Lindsay and Sam's relationship. A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Michael thinks Lindsay is just going through another phase and that she will end up getting hurt. He thinks it is embarrassing."

Are you listening E!? Why not follow Lindsay's lead and ban Dina from your airwaves?

SOURCE

You have got to be fucking kidding

"GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX!"

Ok, this really pissed me off. Are you ready?

MTV is remaking The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And the executive producer of the original 1975 movie, Lou Adler, is giving it his blessing by overseeing the remake! He says he hopes the movie will be ready in time for Halloween next year.

Can somebody please flip the Medusa switch and turn everyone involved in this into statues and then just forget this even happened? Seriously, where's Tim Curry?

This is so not cool.

SOURCE

One freaking dollar??

Damn, Obama's kind of a cheapass!

Barack and his wife gave an interview to PEOPLE where they talk about their family and life at home with their two daughters, 10-year old Malia and Sasha, 7.

In the interview, Barack reveals that Malia's allowance is only $1.00 a week. And he's past due on payments!

Here's the excerpt:

Do you give your girls an allowance?

Michelle: Sorta, kinda. [Laughs]

Barack: I'm out of town all the time, so Malia will say, "Hey, you owe me 10 weeks!" ... Originally, we were giving her a dollar a week as long as she did all her chores. It turns out that she's been doing her chores even without prompting from the allowance, which makes me feel guilty that she's been carrying on her end of the bargain and I haven't been as consistent.

Maybe this is what we need for our suffering economy. At least we know he won't overspend tax dollars. Or does this mean he's in favor of illegal aliens?


Because we are a non-partisan site and believe in equal-opportunity political snark, here is a clip of John McCain squirming uncomfortably while trying to skirt the issue when asked what he thought of the opinion that it is unfair that insurance companies cover Viagra, but not birth control:

Crikey, that's creepy!

I know if I were a 10 year old girl, I'd want nothing more on my birthday than to eat my dead father's face.

That shit's a perfect candidate for this awesome website.

SOURCE

Wonder what Natalie Portman has been doing lately?

Well besides what appears to be the dude Sarah leaves her boyfriend for in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, not really that much. Unless you count starring in her boyfriend's Bollywoodesque music video.

At least, I hope that's a music video I'm watching and not an acid flashback.

Because it's never too early to teach your children about smoking

As in "how to."

They should give Brit her own TRUTH commercial.

Happy Birthday Slash!

Guitar hero, living legend, and one of the most awesome people ever, Saul Hudson turns 43 today!!!

To celebrate, here's a video of a great Slash solo from the infamous St. Louis riot show back in 91. Right after his solo, they break into "Rocket Queen"(my favorite song of all time), and shortly after they start is when Axl loses his shit and jumps into the crowd to beat up some guy with a camera. Enjoy!