Don't Cry For Me Archuleta

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Syesha was incredible last night! A show-stopping performance and the show had just started! Phenomenal! Sensational! Stupendous! Simon even got a woody!

How much you wanna bet she'll be eliminated tonight? I don't want her to, it just seems that's the way it goes on this show. (Crossing my fingers DialIdol is right and she's in the clear)

OTHER MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Geez, one makeover and some really great performances and now everyone wants to jump this guy, even David Guest-I mean Andrew Lloyd Webber, who tells poor David to sing to him while pretending he's beautiful jailbait. David's all "Who the hell do I look like, R. Kelly?" Then suddenly R. Kelly emerges from a closet somewhere and is all "What's that supposed to mean boy....boy..boy.. you're hot David! I ain't gay, but I want you. We can keep it on the downlow, nobody has to know." And then I'm like "GET IN LINE EVERYONE!"

But the line really goes to the casting call for Rock of Love 3 and David and I run off together and he sings this song to me and I'm like "Damn David, I knew you were good, but I didn't know you could pull this shit off, you are even more awesome than I thought!! I hope people finally stop comparing you to that douche Daughtry now." Then we passionately make out. Reprise. And scene. (Curtain)

Intermission.
"Hey Constantine, I'll take a pack of Goobers and a vodka and orange Fanta. Thanks and keep the change."


MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:


That's not fair actually, because the first 1:44 of this clip (before he actually starts singing) is the most awesome part of the night. Yeah, that Jason's pretty special. I love the way Andrew Lloyd Webber refers to him, you really would think he's talking about a kid that rides the short bus.

Of course the best part is when Jason Vinny Barbarino's "I dinnit know a cat was singin' it." when referring to his selection "Memory." FROM CATS!!

Can we replace Seacrest as the host with this guy?

ANOTHER REALLY GOOD PERFORMANCE FROM CARLY:


YAY!


ANOTHER BORING PERFORMANCE FROM DAVID ARCHULETA (but douchebag Randy loves it):


BOO!

Oh Dear.....

Where...

I’m sorry

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, remember “Let it Be?”
I think it was the “Woo!”

Confidence… disappears
Can't anyone see that I'm breaking down live?
Still I’m accused of being contrived
What do I have to do?

Deep in my purse I'm concealing
Two very live hand grenades
I’LL BLOW THIS BITCH UP TO THE CEILING!
Nevermind, it’s okay

You must love me (or else)

Britney and K-Fed sittin in a tree.....

Star is reporting that Britney and K-Fed shared a kiss on April 8th when Kevin was at Britney's to pick up the kids.

And insider revealed, "They were discussing the boys and how they're doing when she suddenly got in close and kissed Kevin. She did it because she felt so close to him at that moment."

On Kevin's reaction, the insider said, "He loved the kiss, of course." The source said Kevin then said to Britney, "Should we be doing this in front of the boys?" Britney's reponse, "We're their parents, so why not?"

Don't get too excited, Kevin could have just been drinking a Frappuccino and had a little on his lips.

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Told ya it was only a matter of time

More photos of the skank trying to get out of Miley have surfaced recently!

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Umaga for President!

That's all I have to say about WWE's Hillary vs. Obama wrestling match last night. Thank you Umaga! Bill was awesome though: "I did not have illegal contact with that candidate." I will also say that it's cool they got Will Smith to play Obama-his Rock impersonation wasn't bad.

In something I thought we'd never see though, the real Hillary, Obama, and John McCain actually did appear on Raw last night to read awkward wrestling cliche-riddled campaign speeches in an effort to pick up some votes. This is a strange, strange time. Remember when Bill Clinton was the only candidate to appear on MTV? Now it's normal to hit American Idol, SNL, and the WWE on the campaign trail.

Next week, be sure to watch Flavor of Love to see the Presidential candidates compete for your vote. "Just like Pumkin, I'll spit in the face of terrorists."

Rock of Fake

The Rock of Love reunion airs this Sunday on VH1, but just in case anyone was wondering if Bret and Hombre are still (or were ever) together, it's pretty safe to assume from her latest MySpace post that they aren't. She's even denying that she slept with him at all:

Hey guys! Well, I was so fearful of the finale and how it was all going to be edited. While I watched the finale, I relived all of those emotions I experienced in Cancun. I cried, I got mad and I cried again....especially at the end. I actually thought VH1 edited the show beautifully. They edited it pretty much exactly how it went down, specifically regarding the dialogue between Daisy and I. So, what you saw was what really happened.

Here's a question I get a lot: "Did you sleep with Bret?" Well, listen, sometimes you gotta make things look more intimate. When the cameras were gone, I'm not gonna lie, I totally made out with him. I mean, can you blame a girl?? We had fun! But, we also talked a lot and he told me these hilarious stories...Bret is just too dang funny. We spent quality time together which when all the cameras are gone....is just nice. Did I spend the night? No. I wanted him to be rested for his date the next day and I actually thought I was going to see him again before elimination, so I left. If you watch the footage, take a look at my hair & makeup when we're saying goodbye. It's just a little 2 perfect for a night of hot, passionate sex. Wish I could give you more seedy details....but that was it.

Another question I get a lot: "Are you mad at Daisy?" ok at the time I was very hurt but so was she. We were in a very intense situation and we handled the stress in different ways. We talked after the reunion show and hopefully we can move on....I'm def willing to.

"How did I feel when he asked me to be his Rock of Love?" elated, relieved, happy, tearful, faint....haha. You name it and I felt it. I was so happy I just can't articulate exactly how I felt. I think you can see in the footage that I was overwhelmed with emotion and truly happy. I will always cherish that moment. OH! Something that you guys didn't see. At the end, he gave me a present. It's a necklace with a beautiful dark silver cross pendant with black and white diamonds....gorgeous!

Well, I think that's it. Stay tuned for another blog after the reunion show airs....I'll talk more about things that happened as well as Bret and I.

Luv ya guys!

xoxo

Ambre

Other things I learned from Ambre's Myspace : Ambre has a straight-to-DVD horror movie coming out soon where you can choose whether or not she gets killed and she lists her age as 99 years old. Way to finally be honest Ambre! Now just freaking spell your name right!

Cruz Beckham Status:

Still pissed off. Stay out of his way muthafucka.

Another Dancing With the Stars hookup?

First Karina and Mario, then Sabrina and Mark, then Cheryl and Drew, then Karina and another Mario, now Shannon and Derek.

Is there Spanish Fly in the spray tanner?

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Wow, everybody's bird crazy lately

Flippin' bird crazy that is!

Those two just need to fuck and get it over with.

I believe the children are the future.....

Future best couple EVER!: Cruz Beckham and Zahara Jolie-Pitt!

Well of course this was coming

The NY Post reports that America's favorite couple are pitching a reality show to MTV!! The show will revolve around Heidi and Spencer planning the wedding of the century-THEIRS!! Bor-ing. Wedding reality shows are so overdone. Now a Heidi and Spencer Variety Hour, I'm totally down for that. They could be just like Sonny and Cher! Nick and Jessica tried it and failed, but I think Heidi and Spencer can pull it off.

Oh well, here's some inspiration for their first dance:




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"Only time will tell..."

We don't need any time to tell us that Ashlee Simpson is milking this stupid "is she or isn't she pregnant" thing for all it's worth. She was on the Today Show this morning to promote her new album...oooohhhh, now I understand...

When asked if she was pregnant Ashlee responded, "That's been going around for a year now," she replied. "Only time will tell with that. I am giving birth to my new record."

The album is out next Tuesday, hopefully we'll stop freaking hearing about it then.

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Hey Madge, you missed a spot!

First Miley and Mandy remade (with choreography and a crew and everything)Madonna and Timberfuck's 4 Minutes video.

Now Madonna, who's apparently really bored, has posted a response telling everyone who is making YouTubes to her song, to "FUCK OFF!" Ok, she actually says "keep up the good work, but clean up afterwards", but Fuck Off would have been so much better. It's actually pretty funny to see her vacuuming in a designer gown and bling:



Yay, she's half-British again!!!


Madonna also has a message for Perez Hilton where she asks him to make a decision between her and "Teddy" who is either a dog or some gay guy with a back problem. Either way, I'd probably chose Teddy.:

Martha Stewart is one creepyass bitch

As you may have heard, Martha Stewart's beloved dog Paw Paw took his walk over the Rainbow Bridge recently. To mourn him, Martha posted photos of his last day on her blog, complete with descriptions of the pachysandra, crocus, and greening grass, because you know, it's Martha.

Martha also creepily accompanies each photo of Paw Paw getting closer and closer to death with her own narrative--by Paw Paw. "Paw Paw" tells us how tired he is getting, how he doesn't want to eat anymore, and how much he'll miss Martha's hugs and kisses. He even tells us all about his last pee. I'm not shitting you and it's even creepier with the pictures. See for yourself!

Speaking of pictures, in case you're wondering what's in that beautifully wrapped package in Martha Stewart Living (well not in this case) linens above, it's Paw Paw right before his burial. Bitch couldn't spring for a doggie coffin? Martha also updated the site with a photo of Paw Paw's grave with the promise that she will make it more beautiful in the coming days. Well of course she will!

So not to leave you with that fucking morbid image of a giftwrapped dead dog, Asshat Hollywood has obtained the following photo of where Paw Paw is now, complete with a message from Paw Paw himself:


I am finally free!! This heaven place is great! Hey Jesus, don't let that bitch in here!

Latest YouTube Sensation!

In case you haven't heard of Tricia Walsh Smith yet, you will. She's the crazy bitch who made a YouTube video after her bad, mean, husband filed for divorce and evicted her from their London flat. And she rules. She kind of resembles Pamela Anderson but with an English accent, smaller boobs, and CRAZY EYES!! Check it out, but grab a bottle of booze first and take a drink everytime she says "Con---DOM."

Bye Bye Kristy

Last night on American Idol, Kristy Lee Cook was voted off. A lot of people are really happy about this (not Vote For the Worst though), but I was hoping it would be Brooke "Closer to psycho every week!" White so we'd get to see Kristy attempt an Andrew Lloyd Webber song next week (Now we'll never hear the hoe-down rendition of "Don't Cry For Me Y'all Argentina"). I'd be lying if I said she didn't grow on me though. She's been a pretty good sport and her singout last night kicked ass.

That guy still won't give her back her horse though. When reached for comment the horse said, "Thanks a lot bitch, thanks to you, I'm off to the glue factory!"

Poor Kristy.