This one's a three-way tie between celebrity mentor Mariah Carey, American Idol, and my boy David Cook.
Mariah because she actually did a really good job mentoring, which shocked me just like J-Lo did last year. She's also awesome because she manages to hold that pose throughout every contestant session and interview. I think it's because her ensemble's a couple sizes too small and she is afraid it's going to rip if she moves.
American Idol because they didn't exploit the hell out of David Cook's cancer-stricken brother being in the audience (I was waiting for the words "David's Brother (who has BRAIN CANCER!!) and Sister-in-Law") to appear at the bottom of the screen. But then again, there's always tonight's results show to milk that shit.
And finally, David himself who more than totally redeemed himself from last week's hand-writing monstrosity with this freakin' cool-ass (and ORIGINAL- take that!) cover of "Always Be My Baby". God I want this dude! Oh and then the crying.....Listen up Lacey, if you break his heart, I'll rip out your smelly extensions one by one! Just remember that!
NOW THAT EVERYONE'S CRYING:
Here's Jason singing "I Don't Want to Cry." They so did that on purpose! This was actually my second favorite of the night. Very cool arrangement. Good job Spazzy Stonerboy! And we also learned they don't have luats in England.
Speaking of kids, to moms everywhere that would like a solution to their babies crying, check this out!
GOING HOME:
Performing next at the 8th Grade Talent show--little Brooke White!! God, this performance would make coffee nervous. It's time Brooke.
POSSIBLY GOING HOME:
Carly actually looked great and I thought she did a nice job but she didn't get the praise from the judges. Well, she had a lot to live up to with that song. First this, then this, then this.
Sorry Syesha, you aren't one of the chosen ones. It doesn't matter how many glory notes you hit or how well you sing songs about boning other women's men, you won't get better than "that was very good."
In case you haven't heard, Rob Lowe's got some nanny trouble.
It all started last week when Rob wrote on the Huffington Post that: "a former employee is demanding my wife, Sheryl, and I pay her 1.5 million dollars by the end of the week or she will accuse us both of a vicious laundry list of false terribles." He then preemptively filed a lawsuit against his nanny, 24 year old Jessica Gibson, along with two other former employees, for breach of confidentiality agreements and for spreading lies about the couple.
Now Jessica has pulled out the big guns (not Rob's-he did that himself. allegedly), hiring Gloria Allred and filing her own lawsuit against Rob and his wife Sheryl, accusing them of sexual harassment. She claims in the suit, that there were several instances from September 2005 through January 2008 (she worked for the couple for seven years)in which Rob exposed himself and inappropriately touched her, placing his hands inside her pants. You can read the court docs HERE.
Um, maybe it's just me, but if I was being sexually harassed by my rich celebrity (with a history of sex addiction!) employer, I sure as hell wouldn't wait over two years to sue his ass! Why all this time Jessica?
Let's find out from Jessica herself:
"Ummmmmm." Wow, thanks for clearing up that this is actually a case of a threesome gone bad!
THIS JUST IN: Jessica Gibson has filed a lawsuit against Gloria Allred claiming Gloria inappropriately touched her on April 15th during her Today Show appearance.
AND IN RELATED ROB LOWE NEWS: Rob has preemptively filed a lawsuit against Snow White, claiming that she is also set to accuse him of a vicious laundry list of false terribles, mainly this.
A source has confirmed to Usmagazine.com that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. No comment from Ashlee or Pete Wentz, but it could be true seeing how they announced their engagement last week.
So Bret chose age over beauty last night on the finale of Rock of Love 2 when he made Amber---I mean Ambre, his tv girlfriend and sent Daisy flying home from Mexico. (She actually flew herself by flapping her arms up and down--pretty impressive!)
Speaking of the lovely and eloquent Daisy, Metal Sludge has put up part two of their interview with her and it's even better than part one! She gets in some good digs at Bret, but she's very classy and always knows when to hold back (especially when talking about her beautiful lips).
Metal Sludge: What was the grossest thing that any of the other girls did during filming that we didn’t get to see? Daisy: Ok seriously I shared a room with Destiny, Jessica, and Meghan. And Destiny liked to go to the bathroom in front of everyone in our room.
MS: Which number? D: All!
MS: All? (laughing) D: All of the above and that to me was (pause) that was really disgusting to me. Because I like my privacy and she was definitely very (pause) the exhibitionist.
MS: So that was the grossest thing, her shitting in front of people. D: Yeah.
MS: What was the grossest thing Bret did? D: (laughing) Took his bandanna off.
MS: So what do you have to say about people saying you sound like you have a dick in your mouth, or that Bret should pick Big John cause you’re all nuts? D: That’s why I got my lips done, because I wanted dicks in my mouth.
MS: (laughter erupts)
D: I have nice DSL’s (dick sucking lips), dick pillows, whatever. And I guess I was just practicing then, if that’s what it sounds like. I guess I’m always practicing, always trying to better my dick sucking skills.
As far as Bret picking Big John over (pause) you know I am crazy. I’m not gonna lie you know I’m definitely (pause) crazy but that’s okay.
I think he could’ve already picked Big John many times. It’s not fair because Big John is always there, so he should give somebody else a chance.
MS: Have you ever been with Bret in a hot tub or shower, and if his hair gets wet does it smell like a horse hair blanket? D: Yes. (laughter)
For the entire interview (more on poop, plus drugs and dildos) click HERE! Can't wait until the reunion!! Here's a clip of the Heather/Daisy smackdown!:
All right stop! Collaborate and listen Ice is back, I've been taken to prison Last night, I grabbed my wife tightly Cause she bitched like spazz and pissed me off slightly
Would she ever stop? I didn't know So I turned off the lights and I beat that ho
Cops came to the scene and took me in like a vandal I was under pressure, but that's a whole other scandal
Gwyneth Paltrow's mother, Blythe Danner, is speaking out on rumors that there is trouble in her daughter's marriage to Chris Martin.
She told PEOPLE, "Oh no! They are really happily married. They are together all time. The public just does not see them together. They couldn't have a better marriage."
She says the reason we never see Gwyneth and Chris out together in public is because "They get so inundated and it's gotten so awful now that they can't go out and enjoy themselves. If they were both out together they would just get so overwhelmed and not enjoy themselves. So they do it for that reason."
Huh?? If they go out together they will be overwhelmed and not enjoy themselves? Yeah, they are SOOO in love!! Thanks for clearing that up Blythe!
Last night on American Idol Ryan Seacrest decided to try his best to undo all the good that was accomplished with "Idol Gives Back" by ending the week of charity on a really, really, really mean note. It was shocking enough that Michael Johns was eliminated (yup, Kristy's still there.) but did we really need a long, drawn out, "maybe you'll get a stay of execution since we didn't eliminate anyone last year........maybe.......NAH!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!" Seacrest, you are indeed a douchebag.
I'm gonna miss Michael, I'm gonna even miss his ascots. It wasn't his time to go.
"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.- Ashlee and Pete "
No word whether or not Ashlee plans to lipsync her vows.
Here we go, I'm gonna try, that's all I'm gonna say.
So, Idol Gives Back, started promisingly enough with the dancers from So You Think You Can Dance dancing to 'Please Don't Stop the Music' performed by the AI contestants. No, really.
Hi Travis!!! Hi Benji!!! Hi... Donyelle?? Wow.
Then some sick people in Africa, then some Katrina victims.
Then some celebrities asking us to donate and I'm sitting there thinking "Ok, how much did you donate?" Oh shit, there's Triple H!! AI and WWE - That's like a television paradox for me!
Then Ryan's got the top 12 (Hi Amanda!! Hi Chikezie!) answering phones and taking pledges and Syesha's holding up signs that say "Call Me" and mugging - I'm guessing she's auditioning for her next job in late-night "conversation" line commercials after she's voted off tonight. And...there are people in the audience watching!?? Yes, they are watching the American Idol contestants on a stage answering phones. For three hours. Even I couldn't bring myself to do that. So then Ryan pretends to talk to the people on the other end of the phone, blah, blah, blah, fluff , fluff, more fluff...
Then, I thought the station got switched to a porno, with the ol' plumber "you're pipes need cleaning" bit but it was a just lame skit leading up to Terri Hatcher performing "Before He Cheats." No really.
I kept waiting for Carrie to come out and finish the song, but that didn't happen because this performance was a caveat of the agreement Terri reached with Ryan when they ended their fake relationship. To make it even weirder, there's a band with a bunch of TV stars that are backing her up.
Ok, I'm already getting bored. More sad stories of people....More celebrities.
Then Fergie performed with Heart. No really.
She pulled off the singing part but I don't know if the one-handed cartwheels were necessary. It was kind of like she was taunting Ann or something. "Ok, you sing better, but betcha can't do this!" Then she tried to take out both of the Wilson sisters, at least it looks that way.
More orphans and sadness. More solemn celebrities.
Robin Williams attempted to singlehandedly revive the Cold War:
Hysterical!! For 1984!! I will give Robin props for the Simon ass-grab though.
Speaking of ass-grabs, here's my personal highlight of the show. We all knew this was coming:
Not only ass grabbing, there was also boobstroking and floor humping!! Aww, Miley, I knew you had it in you! It's like Britney stripping at the VMA's all over again. I bet she feels so relieved now. Because skank is like farts, it's better to just let it out rather than try to hold it in.
Hey, need more cameltoe? Idol will give you back some more:
Here's Mariah and her happy hands with Randy Jackson on the longest bass I've ever seen in my life. It looks like he's got one of those big inflatable guitars the DJ gives out to drunk people at 80's party night.
Can I stop now? I'm fried.
Oh wait! We almost forgot the confetti. Everyone knows you can't end a ten hour long telethon without confetti! What else? Oooh, a Jesus song! Yeah!! With everyone dressed in white!!! And a choir!! ROLL IT!
Ok Cook, you got my love back with that one.
Seacrest Out!
P.S. Is it wrong that after watching this show, that I'm desensitized to the poor and suffering?
Remember when they did the Donald Trump vs. Rosie match? I'm guessing this is gonna be just as bad. Unless they got the writers from Celebrity Deathmatch.
Maybe Shelton Benjamin will play Obama and he'll finally win a match! And they're missing a huge opportunity if they don't get a Bill impersonator and bring out the Godfather and his ho-train!
Sorry, but this week everybody just really pissed me off (they're all probably cranky and sleep deprived from IDOL GIVES BACK week. Charity is hard--unless of course you're Saint Angelina.) So this week, I'm just gonna explain why each one pissed me off.
MICHAEL JOHNS PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
Can you guess the first reason?? Perhaps Michael didn't get my memo last week to LOSE THE FUCKING ASCOT!!! It's like "fetch," you're not gonna make it happen. Only one person in the history of the world has been able to make the ascot happen- Freddie Jones from Scooby Doo, and you are no Freddie Jones, so cut the shit. And burn the rest of that stupid waiter outfit while you're at it. Yeah, just perform naked. That would work.
Anyway, he did ok, but the end where he tried to do the Steven Tyler screech wasn't so good. And sorry to be nitpicky, but he totally missed one of the "Dream On's". I mean even Ace Young got that part right and he even added a little King Diamond spin on it!
So then Randy totally snaps and out of nowhere gives Michael a hard time about his song choice because "American Idol is not about dreams coming true!" (?)
Next up, to sing a song about dreams coming true written specifically for American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia was Syesha. And..
SYESHA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
The judges criticized her for attempting Whitney last week. So what does she do? She attempts another singer--a former American Idol winner who the judges, especially Simon, LOVE (even with that Lifetime movie!)and top it off with a little Mariah dogwhistle impression. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! She'll be going home this week because of her stupid song choice.
Speaking of song choice:
KRISTY LEE COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
She always picks the perfect songs (well after the '8 Days a Week' debacle, that is) and even though I want to hate her, I'm forced to respect her for her cunning. And she sang it very well. Good job! And Fuck you Kristy!!
DAVID ARCHULETTA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
Well, when doesn't he? Although the fucking telethon vibe I get every week actually works well here since it's Inspirational Songs That David's Dad Likes week. Yawn, and I bet that piano ain't mic'd.
JASON CASTRO PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
I thought Tiny Tim came back to life, but it was just Jason. I actually liked it, so I'm pissed off about that too.
BROOKE WHITE PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
This song went on for 22 minutes! And it's uncomfortable to watch her because she looks like she's about to crack and go psycho any minute. Like in Carrie: Good, nice girl freaking loses it one day and kills everybody with telekinesis.
Oh shit! Carrie's last name was White too. Hey Brooke, start with David's dad!! Then Seacrest!
CARLY SMITHSON PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
She didn't listen to Simon about her clothes. Yeah, he said she looked better--but that doesn't mean she looked good. Is that a leotard under jeans? Song was ok, I guess. And it makes me think of Moulin Rouge which is always nice. But I'm still back to not caring. And finally, and it hurts to have to do this but it pissed me off more than anything else...
DAVID COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
The jacket. The weird low notes at the beginning. The pointy pose. The walking through the crowd. The singing to the judges. The fucking "GIVE BACK" on his hand (I think that was the worst part)!!!! Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!! Shit Cook, you had me, why'd you have to go and do that?
GIVE BACK the David I love!
And speaking of giving back, can somebody please give Paula's boobies back the rest of the fabric on the top of her dress???
The mag scored an interview with Amy Vongpitaka, the owner of NYC's Amy's Orchids who said the couple ordered 75 boxes of white-and-cream-colored orchids. "It made the apartment like a heaven, like a palace." said Amy. " You walked in, and it was all flowers — everything white and creamy." She also said she only had one week's notice for the order of the 750 pounds of flowers.
I gotta sit down. Too much excitement!! Good thing they didn't get an interview with the caterer or I'd really lose my shit!
Us also has details about the actual wedding in their upcoming issue including Beyonce's two gowns, their first dance song, celebrity guests, and the 5'8" cake (oh please tell me, Beyonce did one of those horrible cakes model after herself!!)
I'm wigging out!! I can't understand why I can't find a damn screenshot of Bret without his bandanna from last night's Rock of Love episode!! The wig was gleaming! Fortunately, my searching wasn't for nothing because I stumbled on this awesome interview with the lovely and classy(and obvious winner--did you see when they showed the preview for next week? He was looking down when he said "you are my Rock of Love"--now granted, one of them could have been giving him a bj, but I'm thinking he wasn't talking to Ambre who is his height.) Daisy De La Hoya!
Here are some gems from the interview:
On her band: "If Madonna and Motley Crue had a baby, I guess it would be Daisy. " On her ex(?) Charles: "When I met Charles he had suggested that I should do dancing. I think it was sorta something that I always thought was just gonna happen anyways. I don’t know (pause) sort of like pre-determined." What a guy!
On The Awesome Heather: "I think she’s the skankiest, crustiest, old hag stripper on the Planet. And I hate her. I literally hate her. All the other girls joking aside, you know whatever, but her, wait until you see the re-union show because (pause) I hate her. If we could tie Heather down, then I would definitely like to stab her in the eye with a stiletto. ....she’s like a big giant man. She’s a Bret Michaels wanna be. " But what do you really think? On what other rock stars she'd like to sleep with: "The rock star who I’d really like to fuck his brains out would be Nikki Sixx. I don’t wanna make out with him. I don’t want any kissing involved. I just want to fuck him. No kissing, just fucking!" (Awww! Just like in Pretty Woman!!)
The whole interview's gold. Kudos to Metal Sludge for finally doing something interesting!
At first I was looking forward to the reunion mostly for Angelique, but it sounds like there's gonna bea Daisy/Heather smackdown and now I really can't wait!! Sorry Daisy, but I'm TEAM TATTERS all the way baby!
I bet it goes down like this: Bret chooses Daisy in the finale. On the reunion show, he confesses that during their separation after the show, he finally realized that Heather was his true Rock of Love. Daisy hyperventilates/grabs her boobs/cries/loses her fake eyelashes. Kristi Jo starts crying. Rodeo starts crying/laughing hysterically. Peyton jumps out and starts yelling "FACE TIME!!" Then Daisy yells, "Oh yeah? Well I DID fuck CC!!" Then Bret yells "Fine then. Take it CC!!" Then CC Deville comes out and plays a solo. Then Bret goes "No, take HER!" So then CC and Daisy go off together and live happily ever after--once Daisy's lease with Charles is up in 2012, that is. Then Ambre starts going on and on about how she has to lie about her age but her hip goes out right in the middle of her explanation. Then New York comes out just to remind everyone that she is still the HBIC and that she was the original VH1 star with artificial hair and you bitches better recognize! Then Bret compliments her on her weave and asks for pointers. She offers to take him to her salon. Bret then grabs the wig and throws it on the floor. The wig starts crying. Now it needs to find love. A VH1 producer gets an idea!
