Happy Holidays!

Sorry I haven't been around much this week--been busy with last minute shopping and stuff. Ok, fine, I've been drinking. A lot. Sue me!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, etc, etc, etc!!!

Here's something to get you in the spirit of the holidays. A little carol (watch out Bing Crosby!) from Lil' Chrissy Crocker.

See ya soon!!

Eminem's mom dying?

Em and the Angry Inch? (sorry, I'm going to hell!)

Eminem's estranged mother, Debbie Nelson, has written a tell-all book about her son. You might want to know why. Or maybe why now (and not, oh I don't know, say five or so years ago when he was relevant!).

A source claims, "She’s dying of stage 4 breast cancer. She needs the money to pay medical bills and he wont talk to her so that’s her open letter to him. Em agreed to try to help her pay some medical bills and try to get her insurance but couldn’t because of the pre-existing medical condition."

In the book, Debbie claims that Eminem lied about the whole "grew up in a trailer park with a trashy mom" part. She says, "After his first album, Infinite, flopped, he reinvented himself as white trailer trash with a crazy welfare mom. I was shocked when I first heard the lyrics... but he constantly reassured me it was all a big joke... I went along with it for Marshall's sake."

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Married???

MediaTakeOut.com is reporting that Beyonce and Jay Z were married last week in a small private ceremony in Paris, France.

The source, an"EXTREMELY close family member of Beyonce's" according to the site, reports that instead of exchanging rings, Beyonce and Jay Z each got tattoos on their ring fingers of a personal inscription. We all know how well that worked for Pam and Tommy! Click here to see the pictures.

Going by the couple's history, expect for them to make a formal announcement sometime in 2010.

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Oh Jaime.....

In case you haven't heard, Brit's little sis is following right in her (bare) footsteps and getting knocked up too!

The father is Jamie's boyfriend of two years, Casey Aldridge. He is nineteen years old. Jamie is sixteen.

On the pregnancy, Jamie said in an exclusive to OK! Magazine, "I can’t say it was something I was planning to do right now. But now that it’s in my lap and that it’s something I have to deal with, I’m looking forward to being the best mom I can be. I'm also super-psyched about getting my driver's license y'all! I also can't wait to have my baby shower with all the little clothes n stuff! It's so cute!! I can't wait, I'm just like Britney now for real!"

Upon hearing the news, Britney's response was, "My sister's not pregnant!" Then she drove around confused, making several U-Turns, cutting across traffic, and going in and out of hotels. So, nothing out of the ordinary. Still no word as to whether or not she believes Jamie is pregnant yet.

Phew, Close one!

It's ok everybody, Pam and Rick are back together!

With true love like that though, it's not such a shock.

Congrats guys!

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Pam & Rick - OVER

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from third husband Rick Salomon after being married for only a little over two months.

Pam filed the paperwork last Friday citing, say it with me, irreconcilable differences. Some of these differences include: DVD vs. VHS, night-vision vs. bright lights, and beds vs. boats.

I really thought those kids were gonna make it.

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Improvement?

Poor Rumer Willis. She wants so badly to fit in with all the cool brats but she's so rather, um, unfortunate looking. I feel like such a meanie for saying that but try to say she's not like a celebrity genetics experiment gone awfully wrong. You can't, can you? Meanie!

Seems Rumer decided to try a Britney weave. In fact, it looks like she is wearing one of Britney's actual weaves. Other than the greasiness, not bad! I say improvement!

It's called CRAZY!

Britney Spears was scheduled to be in court today to give an ordered deposition in her divorce battle with K-Fed, but cancelled it due to an undisclosed "illness".

K-Fed's lawyer commented, "I was told of a general [medical] condition, and [Spears] felt she couldn't attend." He also indicated he would be pursuing a court sanction against Britney for not showing up.

A new date has been scheduled but not announced to the public.

Anyone interested in attending a candlelit vigil can email contactcrocker@gmail.com .

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MILF alert

The big news today is that Jessica Alba is pregnant with on-again boyfriend Cash Warren's child!

Jessica's rep confirmed the baby news to PEOPLE, "I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer."

This one came out of nowhere huh? I didn't even realize they were back together!

Meet the Trollsens

PETA has really outdone themselves this time with their, how do you say, not always very well thought-out, tactics. Their new fur-wearing targets are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and they aren't getting off the hook so easily with just a couple red paint splatters and death threats.

Nope, PETA has created the Trollsen Twins. Hairy-Kate and Trashley have their own site, MySpace page, and online store!

The best though, is the Full House of Horrors video where they spliced together parts of different Full House episodes and a character named Futureman (who looks suspiciously similar to DJ's dumbass boyfriend Steve) comes to visit the Tanner family to give them a glimpse into little Michelle's future as a double evildoer. It's actually extremely well-done and hysterical, well except for the graphic scenes of animals getting skinned alive (Look away when they sit down in front of the tv and Futureman pops in the propaganda VHS. But still listen the audio! Have mercy!- Fucking Awesome!)

Screw the whole PETA thing, I hope whoever cut this together makes more Full House of Horror episodes where Futureman shows Stephanie her future as a methhead and Kimmy Gibbler's as a porn star.

HEY LOOK EVERYBODY!!

Britney's still desperate for attention!

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What is Acute Coronary Syndrome?

OH NO!! Alex Trebek had a minor heart attack Monday night! It's ok, he was hospitalized but he's doing much better now.

A rep for Jeopardy told PEOPLE, "He has had a very minor heart attack. He is resting comfortably."

Doctors expect Alex to make a full recovery and return to his hosting duties in January when production resumes.

Get well Alex! Let's all watch this in his honor.

Lady lumps, lumpless seats, and other lumps

When designing outfits for The Spice Girls Reunion tour, Roberto Cavalli was asked by Vicky Beckham to design outfits that would "give her hips". (How about a sammich?)

Cavalli said, "I asked them about their bodies, what they wanted to show and hide. (Victoria) was the most daring. She wanted to experiment, to surprise and be different.

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Speaking of the Spice Girls tour, despite being touted as "sold out," the girls played to a half empty Mandaly Arena last night in Las Vegas. It was their second show in the city.

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Don't feel too bad for them. Especially Victoria, who comes home to this every night:

The Fresh Prince of Hollywood Blvd.

Congrats to Will Smith, who received a star on the Hollywood of Fame.

At the ceremony Will said, "I'm humble, I'm honoured, my heart is just beating right now. I don't really understand it - I'm not used to feeling like that ... There's something in the concrete about being etched into the fibre of Hollywood. It inspires me when I look around and I see all of you coming out here to support me and honor my family like this. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, it makes me feel like to have all of this I've gotta change the world."

Oh Will, Parents Just Don't Understand changed my world!

Oh yeah, Will's Thetan Guide, Little Tommy Cruise, attended the ceremony to Will's surprise. On Little Tommy, Will said "I just love his commitment, I didn't know he was going to be here today, when he says he's somebody's friend he doesn't take that lightly, he really means it, he shows up and works hard and he makes me want to work hard and be better so I appreciate the inspiration."

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Hug A Midget Today!

What do you get when your child's a.....brat?

In news that's too strange not to true, Paris Hilton was recently nice to an Oompa-Loompa.

Paris was at Cameo nightclub in Miami last Friday night at an event that featured a performance of Jeff Beacher's Madhouse with three Oompa-Loompa characters in costume. One of the Oompas, Robin Sherwood is friends with Paris.

Oompa-Loompas are apparently all the rage in Miami because during the performance a mob rushed the stage.

I'm going to repeat that. People rushed the stage during an Oompa-Loompa performance.

Nope, still don't get it. Maybe they were on acid?

Anyway, Robin's leg was badly but during the Oompa-Loompa-Hoopla and Paris stayed with him until the ambulance came.

A source said, "Yes, Paris Hilton stayed with him until an ambulance came to take care of him. ... Paris was great, she was there until he was turned over to the medical technicians." That's it? She waited for an ambulance with a bleeding little person?

Robin was released after getting stitched up at the hospital.

PEOPLE also reports that Robin also desperately needs a kidney transplant and Paris and sister Nicky have supported a foundation to facilitate the operation. They supported? Big hairy deal. They have millions, they could buy the Oompa a damn kidney.

Ok, ok, that's nice. Are you happy now? Even though we know Paris is only being nice because the Oompa Loompas threatened to send her down the "Bad Egg" shoot.


In other Be Kind to Little People news, Hulk Hogan took some time off from his divorce woes to save a Leprechaun from a really stupid wrestling match.

"Don't give any of that gold to Linda!"

Renee Loves Chachi

Scott Baio wed longtime girlfriend and babymama Renee Sloan in Los Angeles on Saturday.

The ceremony was taped for Scott's reality show on VH1, Scott Baio is 45... and Single. The second season premieres next month. This, of course, means the relationship is doomed. (Newlyweds, Meet the Barkers, Till Death Do Us Part:Carmen & Dave, Hogan Knows Best, My Fair Brady--you know that's coming, etc, etc, etc)

I mean, um, CONGRATS!

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Mother of the Year

Amy Winehouse's mother has written a public letter begging Amy to get help which was published in Britain's News of the World tabloid paper.

Here are some excerpts:

We have spoken recently but many people will wonder why I haven't run down to whatever hotel you're staying in, scooped you up and taken you home for a hot bath and a steaming bowl of chicken soup. (So is she explaining her parenting methods to her daughter or the "people"? Also note to mom: Despite what you may have been told, chicken soup does not cure drug addiction, no matter how flu-like the symptoms of withdrawal are.)

Even when you were only a rosy-cheeked five-year-old singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror, you had a will as stubborn as a mule. Do you remember? (I don't think Amy remembers what she put in her beehive this morning)

You were well brought up, you had a keen sense of right from wrong and you understood the values we always impressed on you as a family. (another attempt to save face?)

We were terrified after we saw those pictures of you earlier this week, wandering the freezing streets of London at dawn in your underwear. All I wanted to do was rush into those pictures and wrap you up in a big, warm blanket. (You and everyone else)

Do you remember on January 14 this year, when your album got to number one? Do you remember how overjoyed your father and I both were? We shed tears of joy for you that night. (Again mom, she doesn't remember shit.)

We are concerned, but we're not panicking. You've got to see things in your own time and I'm sure you will. (Not panicking? I'm panicking and I don't even know her! Her time's gonna be up before she sees it!)

You're a true professional who thrives on work and you need to get back into that routine. (Translation: You only had two hit singles, you need to make some more money!!)

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch for ragging on a mother pleading with her addict daughter to get help. It's the fact that she wrote a public letter (to a freaking tabloid no less) that's bugging me. It's like she's trying to say "See world, I'm a good mother who cares, it's not my fault she's a train wreck!" It just reeks of Dina Lohan and we don't need another one of those.

She should have called A&E instead and got Amy on Intervention.

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NOT Newlyweds (do we care?)

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were rumored to be getting married this past weekend in the Bahamas but TMZ has confirmed that this was NOT true and that Nick was actually in Cincinnati working on his new show "Clash of the Choirs." (yeah, that'll be a big hit!)

Good, but not enough time

Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison today for operating a dog-fighting ring and killing dogs.

Lets hope there's a lot of horny animal-lovers in there.

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This is just wrong

Someone in the design department is friends with Nicole Richie.

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And Now For an Important Anti-Drug Message:

This has been an important anti-drug message.

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Dumbass lawsuit of the week

People are still trying to sue Borat! This time it's a man by the name of Michael Psenicska - he's the driving instructor that gave a lesson to Borat in the film. He is suing Sacha Baron Cohen and 20th Century Fox for over $100,000 accusing the producers of lying to him about the film.

Michael says he was told that the footage was for a documentary about "the integration of foreign people into the American way of life". He was paid $500 for his appearance. He also alleges he would not have taken part in the film if he had known it was a mockumentary comedy.

Bullshit, he's pissed because he only got $500 out of it!

20th Century Fox spokesperson Gregg Brilliant says tough luck, "He signed a release, and we have an agreement. Now, two-and-a-half years after giving his consent and more than one year after the movie was released, Mr Psenicska has decided to file a lawsuit, citing the financial success of the film, in spite of our agreement."

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No plastic surgery for Hannibal

Yesterday Scarlett Johansson threatened to sue Us Weekly over a story about plastic surgery. Today Anthony Hopkins weighs in with his opinion.

Anthony, who is 69, swears he will never, ever go under the knife. He says, "Well, what are you going to do? You see other actors having their faces done and you think, 'Why? Don't do all that stuff, you look ridiculous.' "It changes the structure of their faces. I knew a wonderful actor, who shall remain nameless, and when I met him just before he died, he looked like he'd turned into someone else. I didn't even know who he was. Leave it alone for heaven's sake. Just get old."

I wonder who he's referring to.

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They are so cultured!

Life is just so hard for Madonna and family!! Their dilemma? The entire family are now speaking in different languages!! And I'm talking in addition to Madonna's Detroit and faux-British accents! (Though my personal favorite was Nicki Finn from Who's That Girl--reprised later by Shannon Doherty on the Lavi-erne episode of 90210)

Madge and Guy have been taking lessons in Chichewa, the native tongue of their adopted Malawian son David. Not to be outdone, little Lourdes is learning French at the Lycee Francais school that she attends in London. So their daily life at home contains a mixture of French, English and Chichewa words! What a melting pot!!

I miss the old Madonna that spoke this language.

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24 X 48

Kiefer Sutherland surrendered to jail yesterday at 5:46pm to begin serving a 48 day sentence for his DUI conviction. He is expected to serve his entire term.

A spokesman for the jail said, "Mr. Sutherland is very polite and humble. He was very cooperative during the booking process. He will be issued an orange jumpsuit, and will be housed alone in a cell, since he'll be a long-term inmate."

Keifer will be an inmate worker and his duties include doing laundry and serving meals, which is the only contact he'll have with other inmates.

PEOPLE reports that Keifer's cell is 8 by 10 feet and has a toilet, washbasin and water fountain. He will get (and serve) two hot and one cold meal a day, including such delectable choices as corn flakes, turkey sandwiches, meatloaf, mac-n-cheese and chicken a la king. He will be allowed two 15 minute visits a day between 1 p.m. and 4 p.m.

Those inmates are so lucky!! How many people can say Jack Bauer served them corn flakes?

Paris Hilton is beautiful!

Looks like Paris has been taking tips from Vera de Milo (go to 2:53)!

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Scarlett Johansson doesn't want to alienate old hags

Scarlett Johansson is threatening to sue Us Weekly magazine after they ran a photo of her and below quoted her as saying, "I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don't want to be an old hag. There's no fun in that." She's also pissed that the mag implied that she had a nose job.

Scarlett is now denying that she said that and is afraid the quote will damage her image and alienate her fans. In a statement she said, "I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against Us Weekly."

Yeah right, she said it and she meant it!


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Salt N Peppa to push hair real good

In even more celebrity business venture news, Sandra Denton and Cheryl James, a.k.a Salt-N-Peppa, are planning to launch a hair-weave franchise together.

Sandra (Peppa) said, "Some people can't grow hair. They need hair and we can supply it!" Finally, someone can help Britney!

Spinderella will be growing the hair, she always gets the short end of the stick!

Hey, 90's music video flashback time!!

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Celebrity endorsements, lawsuits, and inner gay men

The very awesome Victoria Beckham told Page Six recently that she is sick of celebrities that slap their names on products such as clothing lines and perfumes and have nothing to do with the production. As you may know, Vicky has designed jeans lines for Rock & Republic and Rocawear, but she insists she is different because she was actively involved in the production.

On the endorsing stars she said, "There are so many - and I hate the word celebrities - clothing lines and fragrances, and most of them have nothing to do with it. I'm so camp! I'm a gay man trying to get out!"

There are actually two gay man trying to get out and it appears they are attempting to escape out of her chest!

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In related news, Teri Hatcher is being sued by cosmetics company Hydroderm for a complete refund of her $2.4 million endorsement deal plus $400,000 in expenses. Hydroderm says that Teri signed an exclusive endorsement deal in 2005 but his since cheated on them by endorsing at least 17 of their competitors. That makeup slut! One of the competitors, City Cosmetics, has a lip plumper that is a direct competitor to Hydroderm's lip plumper and Terri posed for pictures applying the competing product!

The lawsuit says: "Hatcher's name, image and likeness have been linked to so many competitors' products (at least 17!) that it is anyone's guess as to what product keeps her skin and lips youthful."

Oooh, oooh, wait,I know the answer!! BOTOX! Youthful though? A youthful corpse maybe.

Teri's legal representative has responded to the claims calling the allegations an "unjustified and public assault on Teri Hatcher's good name, reputation and celebrity." The statement continues, "Ms. Hatcher will respond swiftly and decisively by appropriate legal means to recover everything she is owed under her contract, as well as compensatory and punitive damages for Hydroderm's outrageous accusations."

Seems like Teri just proved Posh's point.

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Feel smarter in 42 seconds!

Sherri Shepherd - Wow!

Seriously?

Fox announced yesterday that Tom Petty has been chosen to headline the Super Bowl halftime show on February 3rd.

Seriously? No offense to Tom Petty, but are they on a budget or something?

There has been much speculation that the Eagles, not Petty, would receive the honor.

Many people think this is yet another attempt to have a "safe" half-time show since the Nipplegate fiasco.

It may not be so bad. Maybe he'll do You Don't Know How It Feels and sing the "let's roll another joint" part while actually smoking one. How cool would that be?

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Eva Mendes is awesome!!

"You know what really pisses me off? I've heard so many actresses say something to the effect that it's very difficult to be beautiful in this business. And you know, I'm not violent but I literally want to strangle them. I want to tell them, 'No, it's difficult being overweight in this business. It's difficult being from a minority or having some kind of physical or mental disability. But the easiest thing is to be beautiful in this business.' Why do they say that? It sounds so arrogant."

Yeah, suck on that Jessica Alba!

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Does anyone even give a crap about this guy anymore?

Remember when Akon threw that fan off the stage at one of his concerts earlier this year? Yeah, everyone does right? Except for maybe Akon. Well ok, maybe he does, he didn't mean it.

Akon plead not guilty to charges of endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment stemming from the fan-throwing incident in Fishkill, NY in June. The fan apparently threw something at Akon, who then ordered the teen be brought up onstage and proceeded to hoist him up on his shoulders and throw him back into the audience. The thrown fan landed on another teen, who reported she suffered a concussion.

Akon's lawyer Benjamin Brafman, attempted to use the Axl Rose defense in court today saying that, "It was never Akon's intention to violate the law. This unfortunate incident was a spontaneous reaction during a live concert that Akon deeply regrets."

So he regrets it, he's still guilty!

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Jessica Sierra arrested again; Offers cop oral sex

Last week, I posted about how former American Idol contestant Jessica Sierra hasn't been doing so well since the show. She had some trouble with drugs and was arrested for battery. But things were starting to look up. She got a gig (and a chance at recovery) on VH1's Celebrity Rehab and a deal that if she didn't violate parole, that her battery charge would be wiped from her record.

Well, turns out neither of those things worked out so well. Jessica was arrested again on Saturday at a bar and charged with disorderly intoxication and obstructing justice. She is being held in jail after being denied bond.

If that's not enough, now details are coming out surrounding the arrest. TMZ has obtained police reports where Jessica told the arresting officer, "I'll suck your dick if you don't take me to jail."

If that's not enough, she also dropped the N bomb a bunch of times when referring to the cop (I guess he didn't take her up on her offer) and shoved him.

In related news, fellow Idol season 4 contestant Constantine Maroulis, who recently performed at a mall, is said to be relieved that he is no longer considered the most pathetic cast member of that season.

Happy Birthday Britney!!

I wish I had a good weave!

Britney Spears celebrated her 45th birthday Saturday night!!

What? She's 26? Damn.

The party brought Brit back together with her former BFF Paris Hilton!! The two left the party together to go party more at the Four Seasons!

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Asshat of the Week!!

Yeah, it's only Monday so I know I'm already counting my asshats before they hatch, but anytime anyone uses the "Do you know who I am?" line, they get an automatic pass without passing Go and collecting $200.

Montel Williams didn't just say this, but also added on a personal threat last Friday to a HIGH SCHOOL student in Savannah, GA. He was there to promote a program giving free prescriptions to low-income people. A local high-school student named Courtney Scott was an intern at the Savannah Morning-News and asked Montel, "Do you think pharmaceutical companies would be discouraged from research and development if their profits were restricted?"

Montel angrily responded with "I'm trying to figure out exactly why you are here and what the interview is about. I'm here as a patient advocate talking about the fact that medications available today are saving people's lives, that's what's saving mine and after that, this interview is done."

Later that day, the reporters returned to the hotel for an unrelated story and Montel got in Courtney's face, pointed his finger at her and yelled: "Don't look at me like that. Do you know who I am? I'm a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up."

Montel later tried to save face by apologizing and claiming it was a misunderstanding on his part because he thought they were at the hotel to confront him about his earlier dumbass comments.

Nice try Montel, but it's too late. We have taken a sample of your DNA and the test results confirm that you...

are....



Indeed an asshat!

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For Fuck's Sake! WHYYYY?!

You kinda knew this was coming, didn't you?

Marie Osmond has designed a line of creepyass dolls inspired by her various dances on Dancing With the Stars which will be sold on QVC beginning tonight at 6PM Eastern. Now you can reenact the desperation at home!! The one above is, of course, her Samba/fainting routine. There will also be the Boogie Woogie doll, the Paso Doble doll, the Quickstep doll, and the season finale Freestyle doll (so a doll of a person pretending to be a doll). Sadly, there are no plans for a life-size Maksim blow-up doll.

What I want to know are WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE that buy this shit? Yes, I know they are the same people that voted for her but really, this madness has to stop. Won't somebody save us??

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!!"

Hey everyone, it's my She-Ra doll from 1986! I thought you got tossed in the box of amputated Barbie parts. I'm so glad to see you!

"First of all, your bitch mother donated me to the church tag sale and I had to fight my way back to Etheria. Then I ran into my brother and had to coach him through some, um, life decisions he was struggling with."

I'm sorry to hear that. How is He-Man doing?

"Much better since he came to terms with his sexuality. He and Skeletor actually just purchased an adorable little condo in Eternia. I was just there for Thanksgiving."

That's fantastic!

"Um excuse me please, but this is about me. I just want to let people know that I am the perfect gift for the holidays and that every child and tragically pathetic middle-aged doll collector can own me, their very own MARIE OSMOND: DANCER EXTRAORDINAIRE DOLL!!"

"Oh, put a fucking lid on it toots! Nobody gives a shit."

"Actually they do, the first two dolls in my collection sold out in eight minutes on QVC! Marie is one of the world's top doll designers you know."

"Did I stutter or do I need to draw my sword and cut you?"

"Stop {huuuuuuuuhhhhh) please [huuuuuuhhhh] I'm feeling light-headed...."

THUD!!!!!!!!

Oh knock it off Marie, everyone knows you're faking.

"I've had just about enough."

"Take that you annoying creepy piece of Chinese plastic!"

"ALRIGHT!! MORE DRAMA!! DON'T FORGET EVERYONE, QVC TONIGHT AT 6! BUY ALL FOUR DOLLS!

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