Paris's 263rd pathetic display to show what a sweet person she is in a desperate and pointless attempt to avoid her jail sentence

Check out the lovely Get Well collage Paris made for her father who is in the hospital. How artistic!! Surely all those pictures of PARIS will cheer up her sick pop!

Prison is no place for a nice girl like that! In fact, as her outfit reminds us, there's no place like home!

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Lindsay has to get her legs chopped off to be taken seriously!

In her next movie, "I Know Who Killed Me," Lindsay Lohan will play a stripper who is kidnapped and has both of her legs amputated. If that's not worth $9, how about this? Lindsay will also have her first sex scene in the movie! (Not sure if that is before or after the legs are amputated. Hopefully after, how hot would that be?)

It was the director, Chris Siverston, that convinced Lindsay to do a sex scene, which the always modest and demure Lindsay swore she would never do.

She said "Chris Siverston is a fucking genius. We made a deal that I will do any film he wants me to do."

The ever eloquent Lohan continued, "At first I was like 'I can't do this, I'm getting my leg cut off. I don't want to look like that in scenes, I want to look decent!' But that was just me being young and stupid. And I have my first sex scene in it, which I always said I wouldn't do. I wanted to do this movie so people can see that I'm a fucking actress and I've been doing it forever and it's about time people see that. It felt so good to really get to act."

Thank God she had this opportunity to play an amputee that has sex to prove she's a serious actor. I don't know about you, but I smell an Oscar nomination.

Let's check in with Asshat Hollywood Correspondent, Box O' Rocks. What do you think of what Lindsay had to say?

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What the Fuck?

There are 102 things wrong with this picture. Name them. I'll give you the first: She is wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat in 2007.

She thought she was at an Akon concert

"GET OFF!!!"

At his concert in London, Prince invited some fans to join him on stage. One crazy bitch got a little too close for his liking. Prince played it off by falling to the ground and "surrendering" by putting his hands up. The woman, however, thought that was some sort of invitation, so she jumped on top of Prince and straddled him. Security had to pry her off and drag her ass out.

In her defense, he is a Sexy Muthafucker.


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More baby news! Adrianna Preggers?

The NY Post reports that Drea de Matteo was seen shopping at Veronique Maternity on Madison Avenue. Not only that, they also said that Drea was overheard saying that she was expecting her first child with her boyfriend Shooter Jennings. Love her! Congrats to them!

I hope if it's a boy they name it Christafah!

UPDATE 5/15 - CONFIRMED!

Sheryl Crow Adopts

Sheryl Crow is the latest celebrity to adopt but before you go calling her a bandwagon jumper check this out: she adopted a child from the UNITED STATES!!! Yeah, I know! A plain old American!! Probably the result of unprotected teenage sex! How painfully non-exotic. I bet the kid doesn't even have a mohawk!

I'm just kidding Sheryl. Good for you!!

The baby is a 2 week old boy. Sheryl named him Wyatt, after her father.

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We miss you Tupac and Biggie

In the 90's we had the East Coast vs. West Coast rap wars. Nowadays, we have the Dumb vs. Dumber popslut wars.

So the story goes that Fergie and Nelly Furtado have dissed each other on their equally wretched songs. I'm not sure who started it but Fergie said something about not being promiscuous on her song Fergalicious and something else about pulling Nelly's wig off in another song. I don't know what Nelly said about Fergie and frankly, I'm tired of Googling trying to find out. (Supposedly it's in Promiscious but I can't find it. Let me know if anyone knows)

Anyway, recently the two crossed paths and Fergie went on the record about it on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday.

Fergie explained, "Something went down with the lyrics of a song and she thought I was talking about her because we had similar lyrics when our albums came out and it wasn't even true. So she came out with a song talking about it and I approached her and said, 'Hey, listen, is this song about me, because I heard from (producer) Scott Storch it was,' and she kinda beat around the bush a little bit... and she said, 'Yeah,' and she apologized and I said, 'OK.' "I was willing to keep it between us, she goes on MTV, said it wasn't about me and then I hear on YouTube she's saying it was about me, so I'm like, 'OK, which one is it?' "She was just calling me out on a song... (and now) it's kinda like a light battle... I've said my peace. It's not like we're gonna throw down."

Got all that? Me neither. Do you care? Me neither.

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Go Hanoi Jane!

FROM PAGE SIX:
' LINDSAY Lohan wasn't the only one uncomfortable that her mother, Dina, was working the red carpet for "Entertainment Tonight" at the "Georgia Rule" premiere Tuesday in New York. Lindsay's co-star Jane Fonda was visibly disturbed when Dina asked her, "So, what was it like working with my daughter?" One witness said, "That was a stupid thing to do. Jane publicly criticized Lindsay's behavior last year." Fonda told "Access Hollywood" during filming: "Lindsay's so young and she's so alone out there in the world in terms of structure and, you know, people to nurture her."

After Dina's first question to Fonda fell flat, Dina pressed on and asked, "It's so hard for young stars today with the paparazzi and press - do you have any advice for my daughter?" Fonda - who the witness said seemed "taken aback and appalled not just by Dina being on the carpet but by the questions" - snapped, "If you screw it up now, you don't get another chance!" and turned on her heel and walked off. A rep for Fonda said, "We kept all interviews short because the press line was long." '

Entertainment Tonight really needs to drop Lindsay's mom as a red-carpet interviewer. It's not like they don't have a lot of people they could replace her with. How about MaryKay Laterno or, oh I know! One of those nice anorexic twins?

This sucked a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-asssss

My dearest Blake,

Please tell me this was bad on purpose because you don't want to win and sign away your life to the evil 19E.

Because if that's the case? Well done.

Love,
Me

UPDATE: First of all, Get your act together YouTube!! I posted this yesterday !!

Anyway, so we all now know that Blake is safe as Lakisha went home last night. No surprise. Blake could fart on a snare drum next week and he'll still make the top two. Sorry dude!

It isn't possible for her to get any stupider, is it?

Here's Paris. In the driver's seat of a car. YESTERDAY.

Dumb skank! She didn't even bother trying to disguise herself or anything.

I think that warrants another 45 days, how about you?

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UPDATE 5-10 - OK, apparently Paris gave someone a BJ and is now allowed to drive again.

What the Fuck....

happened to Cate Blanchett?

Dear Ahhnold, she just made a little mistake!

Sumbitches stole my idea!

Some guy that Paris fucked named Joshua has started an online petition (because we all know how effective those are!) to counter the injustice of a famous person actually going to jail and to spare this national treasure of our mundane lives from being locked up with peasants. Paris put the link on her MySpace page. It's hysterical. I'm half wondering if this guy is joking and she thought it was for real. Either way, I'm sure Arnold is taking time off from his busy schedule of governing CallieFornEEEah to consider this riveting and important but unusual request.

Here's the petition:

To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger [I don't think that will ever look not weird]

Paris Whitney [Whitney?] Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. [We know, she's rich and spoiled. Not the best thing to point out while attempting to get her sympathy] She provides hope for young people [suffering from herpes] all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty [HAHAHAHA!!] and excitement [HAHAHAHAHAHA! ] to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives [Speak for yourself muthafucka, I have a can of baked beans, a donkey, and a bottle of lube waiting for me in the other room].

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax" [in which the only part worth watching was when she got a SPIKE THROUGH HER HEAD!] Paris is known best for her role as "Paris" in One Night in Paris, as "screaming drunk racist" in Paris Exposed, and as "Brandon Davis's laughing hyena" in Firecrotch. In addition to her work as an actress [HAHAHAHAHA!], she has achieved some recognition as a model [HAHAHAHAHAHA--STOP PLEASE, YOU'RE KILLING ME!], celebrity spokesperson [I'll give her that one: Sidekick, Valtrex], singer [HAHAHAHAHA!!!!], and writer [Ok. Now? I seriously wet myself]

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007. [We do know and most of us are laughing and/or celebrating]

We, the American public who support Paris [My guess "we" is: Joshua, Perez Hilton, Nicole, and Nicky. Unfortunately Greek shipping heirs don't count since they aren't American] , are shocked [nope], dismayed [nope] and appalled [hellllllno] by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong [Well, THESE GUYS needed a rest]. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. [Who does?] Paris should have been sober. [No shit] But she shouldn't go to jail, either.[Yes, she should]

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick [Mugshot] Nolte, Mel [Hates Jews] Gibson, Tracy [Who?] Morgan, Wynonna [Hi, I married pedophile so fuck you! I've been through enough!] Judd , to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. [BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T BEEN SENTENCED YET ASSHAT!]Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI [Ok, so ....this relates how?]was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED [As well as your point just was a moment ago] most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt [Um, STD'S], injure [STD's], or kill anyone [Do we have proof of that? I find it hard to believe that her album isn't responsible for at least a couple suicides] or anything ["anything?"], and yet she must do jail time. [Yup, that's what the JUDGE said!]

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career [?] and life. Everyone makes mistakes [Just ask Susan Smith!]. She didn't hurt or kill anyone [again, questionable.], and she has learned her lesson [Obviously not. She was caught driving TWICE. Or does she really, really mean it this time?]. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. [Nice try bitch] She is distraught and understandably afraid.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT [While you need a grip] to save our [She's ours?]Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error [You mean she's human?] and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), [Yeah, compare her to Watergate--that's a fantastic idea! I've decided about here that this guy isn't for real] we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand [He barely understands English] and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

What the Asshats Are Up To

Tinkerbell (thinking) " 29 more days...."

"I really wanted to wear the gown you lent me Bjork, but the damn swan kept biting my arm!"

"Look paparazzi!!! It's me Kate Bosworth and I'm EATING!!!"

"So THAT's what our child would look like?!!"

"See Cam, I told you I was even whiter than your ex!"

"It's JESSICA Mr. Doorman......SIMPSON? Aw hell, LOOK!"

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Wanna see pictures of Lindsay snorting coke?

Of course you do! And now you can thanks to News of the World!

According to the article, this is just an average night for Linds, as a source claims she usually does "two and half grams of coke on her own."

But Lindsay is sober and went to rehab! you say. The source, a "friend" (some friends huh?) says you are a dumbass if you believe that. "She carries round a water bottle to try to fool everyone into thinking she is clean but she tips the water out and refills it with vodka and soda."

This "friend" also reveals that Lindsay has fired up her crotch with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco.

Here are the pictures. They were taken at Teddy's nightclub in Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel. So classy.

Please, please, please get busted Lindsay!! Then she could be locked up with Paris, Joe Francis, and those Laguna Beach turds and the world would be a better place.

BOOOHOOOOO!

Start the countdown! Paris Hilton will begin serving hard time on June 5th!
My dream is coming true--all the asshats are being locked up!

Meanwhile, TMZ has learned just what horrors await Paris in prison:

-- Hilton will only be allowed one five-minute shower a day ... with plain soap.

-- Two pairs of socks and panties. Well, the panties aren't a problem since she doesn't wear them anyway.

-- Part of her day will be spent washing her underwear in the shower, since the detention center contains no laundry facilities. I guess this doesn't apply either.

-- Her breakfast will be a boiled egg and not much else.

-- Lunch is typically a baloney sandwich So not hot!

-- Paris's visitors will be received through a glass partition STD rates will hit an all-time low!

-- Her contact with the outside world will be via pay phone, instead of a BlackBerry and the paparazzi. "What's a pay phone?"

-- She is not allowed makeup, highlights or hair extensions. Life is just so cruel!