Save Your Ass Tips of the Day (with Moxie Crimefighter)

Superhero Asshat Hollywood correspondant, Moxie CrimeFighter has sat through numerous hours of dangerous animal documentaries to keep your ass safe. So pay attention to her following tips:

-If you throw a firecracker into a herd of elephants they will get angry and try to kill you (Up Close and Dangerous APL)

-If you punch a blue shark in the gills it will get angry and try to kill you (Up Close and Dangerous APL)

-If you light a cigarette near a polar bear it will get angry and try to kill you (Up Close and Dangerous APL)

-If you sit on the back of a crocodile and smack it across the snout it will get angry and try to kill you (T-Rex: New Science New Beast Discovery Channel)

-Reef sharks arch their back when they’re preparing to attack. If you see a reef shark with an arched back do not stop to take its photo. Especially with a flash. It will get angry and try to kill you. (Up Close and Dangerous APL)

-A walrus can knock your head off your body and suck out your brains. Get too close to a walrus and it will get angry and try to kill you. (Up Close and Dangerous APL)

-The Sea of Cortez is full of man-eating squid. They hunt in packs and each squid has 36,000 razor sharp teeth on its tentacles and a beak that can crush the head of a tuna. They’re smart too. A diver was latching himself in a safety cage when a squid rushed up, undid the latch and devoured the diver. OK I made that last part up. The squid tried to open the latch so he could devour the diver but was unsuccessful. (Killer Squid, Discovery Channel)

-The hippopotamus is responsible for more human deaths than any other animal in Africa. 99% of all hippo attacks are fatal. Hippo’s are badasses. When injured the hippo can heal itself lickety split as its skin secretes antibiotics. (Ultimate Hippo National Geo)

-Between the sharks and the orcas, swimming with seals in a really bad idea. (up Close and Dangerous)


-If you’re fleeing a swarm of Africanized bees it does no good to jump in water. They’ll just be waiting for you when you get out. Bees are patient. (Killer Bees National Geographic)

These are all accounts from wildlife photographers and their close encounters. The photographers all admit they were in the animals kingdom and didn't blame the animal.


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I hope everyone learned something from this. Like, don't become a wildlife photographer, for one.