Who exactly got owned here? (answer: America)

So here we are: David vs. David.
The last night of competition starts with a microphone being lowered down. Oh shit!! Mr. Kennedy's here!! This isn't going to suck!!!

But no, it was just a set up for a lame boxing metaphor filled introduction of the Davids. Which, didn't they already do this for Clay vs. Ruben in Season 2? See, all the more reason to go with wrestling.



I think this was the point that Cook decided he was going to check out, bummed a joint from Castro, just said "fuck it" and hammed it up, which was pretty awesome and adorable. Archuleta looks like Little Mac from Mike Tyson's Punchout. Ok, so this was kind of cute and funny. They're gonna leave it at that right? Or are they going to beat it to death and keep showing promos of the two making "mean", serious, and utterly hysterical faces into the camera while intercutting shots of a shirtless, headless boxer that is obviously neither of the two Davids? Take one guess.

Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber are there to coach (and in Webber's case, creepily sorta come on to) the final two in this BATTLE TO THE DEATH!

Archuleta apparently won the coin toss in an untelevised moment last week (hmmm) and his Daddy told him to go last so Cook is up first singing Clive Davis' pick for him U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For":




Hey, did you know? Just like Paula can time travel and judge performances from the future, Randy can travel back in time and check out the past, like here when he refers to the night as the "Duel of 2007" between the 17-year old and the risky guy with spiky hair. Wait.

Paula says "We finally found what we're looking for..and it's David Cook." But when she says "we" she's referring to the Cougar Club of America who seem to have elected "Cookie" as their new coverboy and David gets a little nervous and looks down as his dick shrivels a little and for a second considers going back to the old hair.

Simon loved it and everything seems to be going along as predictably as we all would have imagined after last week.

But then:




Round One goes to Archuleta????

Oh Simon, I see what you're doing. You just want it to look fair right? Best to give Archie at least one round and the earliest one so you could break out the Cook pimp parade you've been twirling the baton in all week at the end. I see.



Time for Round Two. This time each David selects a song from the top ten finalists in the cornynation songwriting contest.

Again Cook goes first, singing a song called "Dream Big." Well, that doesn't sound cliche at all! Let's check it out.



This song sound so familiar. Damn, where have I heard this before?



Could be, or maybe:



It's on the tip of my tongue. Shit, I hate when that happens.

So anyway, David did what he could with it and received a lukewarm reception from the judges.


Next up, is Archie to sing a song called "In This Moment Like This Is My Now, Do I Make You Proud" or some shit like that:



Yes, there was actually a lyric which poses the question: while staring at your yourself in a window how can that window encompass the perfection... that is your reflection? I hear you on that one Archie, I wonder that all the time!

Of course the judges eat that rainbow moment shit up, wash it down with puppy piss, and ask for seconds. So Archie gets Round Two. Huh?



Finally, the Davids get to choose which song they'll perform last.


David Cook chose "The World I Know" by Collective Soul:



At first I didn't understand the ho-hum selection, but after reading the lyrics, it really makes sense considering the night's order of events: "Has all the kindness gone? Hope still lingers on. I drink myself of newfound pity" And then he cries! OH SHIT, there I go! I want to hug him!

Randy liked it, Paula purrs, and Simon says he should have done "Billie Jean" again. And David awesomely talks back!!! He says, "why do something I already did??" BURN!

And now, here to do something he already did...



Umm..... A "knockout?" What's going on? I thought Simon liked David Cook better! I thought they didn't want to have to deal with ScaryDaddy Archuleta! I thought David Cook was the favorite!

THAT'S SO UNFAIR TO DAVID COOK!!! WAAAAAAA!!!


Wait, I know!

I'm gonna go vote a million times for David Cook! No, I'm going to vote TWO million times!! Let's all do this! Yeah, we'll show them!!! We'll make David Cook the winner by a landslide!! And it will be even better because he'll overcome the odds of those mean judges and it will be a big surprise and much better than if he was just declared the winner outright! Yeah!


Wait.



Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..


I feel so used.