Sorry, sorry!! I know I have a habit of taking a few days between posts.
So let's get caught up on what's gone down so far in 2009:
Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell had twins and named them Dolly and Charlie, neither of which are sheep nor male.
I'm sure everyone has heard the sad news about the passing of 16 year-old Jett Travolta. The death was determined to be the result of a seizure. SOURCE
In happier news, Alyssa Milano has announced that she is engaged to agent David Bugliari. SOURCE
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! (Anybody else as glad it's over as me?)
So now all that bullshit's over, it's time to look back at the fucked year that was 2008. And I decided that the best way I could do that was to put all the highlights (?) into a lameass parody.
But what song could I rip off that compiles past events into a catchy sing-a-long? Hmmm.
Oh yeah.
A Wrap-up Is Required
(sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")
(play the video and sing along with my words)
Marry conman? "no way!" so said Anne Hathaway Cherry chapstick, kissed a girl; Phelps gets the gold Paul McCartney divorcin'; Superbowl - the Giants win Jacko's career to diarrhea, Neverland is sold
Facebook dot com; Rock of Love; Kardashian A-Rod she first denied, but then Madonna split with Guy Miley/Hannah’s sixteen; Aiken is an out queen Sex and the City, Twilight, Iron Man and Dark Knight
CHORUS:
A wrapup is required Gossip's always churning Another year is turning These asshats we admired No we won't admit it So we try to spin it
Obama and Biden, McCain and Palin Who is dumber? Joe the Plumber, what in the fuck?
Giuliani, Romney, John Edwards, and Hilary Breaking down all the walls, Congrats to Barack
If you like it, put a ring; Heidi Montag tries to sing Axl’s album, China ban, Dr. Pepper, a free can
The very humble KANYE WEST, with auto-tune he’s obsessed Britney’s crazy, Britney’s sane, the music still sucks anyway!
CHORUS:
A wrapup is required Gossip's always churning Another year is turning These asshats we admired No we won't admit it So we try to spin it
Paul Newman, Isaac Hayes, Tim Russert, and Bettie Page Heston, Bernie Mac, Carlin, and Pollack
Estelle Getty, Cyd Charrise, Heath Ledger, Rest in Peace So hard to say goodbye.... wait, Amy Winehouse didn’t die?
Halle had a baby, so did Nic Richie Jess Alba, J-Lo, Keith Urban and Nicole
Brangie, Christina A, even Matt McConaughey, Britney’s sister, ut oh, didn’t use birth control!
CHORUS:
A wrapup is required Gossip's always churning Another year is turning These asshats we admired No we won't admit it So we try to spin it
"By the way," said Silverman, "I'm fucking Matt Damon" Jess Simpson - has-been, won't stop blabbin Winners Philadelphia; Jonas Brothersmania "Not cool" this again? - Jolie vs. Aniston
Locklear under arrest; Spitzer paid a lot for sex Prop 8: not fair to gays; OJ's finally put away!!
CHORUS:
A wrapup is required Gossip's always churning Another year is turning These asshats we admired No we won't admit it So we try to spin it
Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Brenda Walsh is back again Guest spots, Cook rocked, Tina Fey’s Palin mock Reality on the incline with writers on the picket line The best villain that we had was Archuletta’s stage dad
Mortgage crisis, market dive, financial suicide Too much debt, layoff threats, CEO’s still on their jets Auto execs take the floor, government bailouts they score Slip into recession more, now everybody’s fucking poor!
CHORUS:
A wrapup is required Gossip's always churning Another year is turning
A wrapup is required And now the year gone But bullshit still goes on, and on, and on, and on...
For real! It's just fucking wrong! If I were a kid, this kind of crap would ruin Christmas for me.
Listen up kids, don't believe this garbage ok? Yes Virgina, Jessica Simpson and Donald Trump are right, there really IS a Santa Claus, but he's not some weird skinny douche with a smartphone.
To get that mess out of our heads and warm our chilled heartstrings back up here's a local commercial starring this guy named Good Ol' Tom. Now, unlike that Palm Centro tool, Good Ol' Tom is a warm-hearted, huggable real-life Santa, helping people in these hard times by giving them cash for their old broken jewelery and family heirlooms.
You know the class ring guy went on a crack binge after that!
That was touching, I know, but this one is the best. I dare you not to tear up at this Clio deserving masterpiece:
Check out Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens posing with a fan as they shop for some new toys!
Looks like Vanessa is in the baking section. I never knew you can buy cupcake pans in the shape of balls with mini-penis candles! How sweet of her to bake for Zac!
On Rock of Love Charm School a few weeks ago, Megan Hausermanwas expelled after she kicked Brandi M. Host Sharon Osbourne told her she just would not tolerate violent behavior.
However, what Sharon didn't mention to Megan at the time was that the no violence rule did not apply to her!
At the RoL Charm School reunion special taping Saturday night, Megan insulted Sharon by telling her that she was "only famous for managing a brain dead rock star." Oh snap!! (Oh Megan, you poor, dumb, slut. That may very well be true, but you never, EVER say it to Sharon's face!) That was it. Sharon reportedly jumped up, ran across the stage and grabbed Megan by her hair and beat her ass down. Security had to separate the two. Megan went to the hospital the following day and was seen exiting wearing a sling. She also filed a report with the LAPD.
Megan is next up to star in her own VH1 reality show called Trophy Wife(Christ, make this shit stop!) in which she searches for love with a sugardaddy. She may not need one after this is all settled.
In order to get people to pay money to see his new movie, Valkyrie, Tom Cruise is in the middle of a desperate attempt to convince the public that he is not a crazyfuck. This morning to returned to the Today Show to make nice with Matt Lauer after Glibgate '04 (Holy crap, that was almost FIVE years ago?!!)
In the clip above, Tom says he came across as "arrogant" and said that he learned a lesson from the incident. Then he and Matt Lauer made out. Then a giant meteor crushed all the waving morons.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards's daughters were involved in a car accident yesterday afternoon when a Honda Civic cut off the Mercedes the girls were riding in (driven by their nanny), causing a four car pileup.
Fortunately Sam and Lol were not harmed. The only person who was injured was the driver of the Honda, who was taken to the hospital.
Charlie's publicist Stan Rosenfiled told PEOPLE, "Charlie told me that the girls are fine. He said it could have been much worse. They were in their car seats, and he is extremely grateful for the safety features from Mercedes.”
In related news, the girls also seem to (so far) be unharmed from a recent train wreck they were involved in.
Our leader has been MIA ever since the release of Chinese Democracy -no interviews, no press, no promotion, no Axl. (That's where I've been by the way, searching all the caves of Malibu one by one with a lantern and a bucket of KFC--sadly to no avail.)
But then all of a sudden, last Thursday, someone with the screenname "Dexter" randomly appeared on the forum of mygnr.com and started going off on another poster, calling him a "cunt." The two went back and forth for awhile and it was eventually revealed that Dexter was in fact Axl Rose (he disguised himself by using "cunt" instead of "fuckhead.") After the site admin confirmed that it was in fact, the real Axl, he then began answering questions from fans on everything from being late to shows, the reunion rumors, and Oprah, and being pretty open (and funny) while doing it.
If that wasn't enough, "Dexter" then went over to another fansite, heretodaygonetohell.com and once again, answered even more questions.
You can read a transcript of all of chats HERE. (the best part is when he says he's skateboarding in blue jello while on acid and wearing the white booty shorts) It's pretty amazing stuff (well if you're a nutswingin' diehard like me) and I gotta say, that's a pretty damn cool thing to do.In fifteen years when the next album is released this will definitely rank in the top five of the new Great Moments in Axl History!
Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell had twins and named them Dolly and Charlie, neither of which are sheep nor male.
I'm sure everyone has heard the sad news about the passing of 16 year-old Jett Travolta. The death was determined to be the result of a seizure.
In happier news, Alyssa Milano has announced that she is engaged to agent David Bugliari.
Jennifer Love Hewitt and her fiance Ross McCall have split up.
Another rumored-to-be troubled couple, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had a second daughter yesterday, but have not yet released the name.
Santa: "You would not believe the number of people who have asked me to make you two go away!"
