American Music Awards

Last night were the American Music Awards. I don't normally watch them, but there was apparently a rumor that our leader would finally be appearing before us and it seemed like an actual possibility. So I armed myself with a bottle of Merlot and decided to watch it instead of my other television option, WWE Survivor Series (which I figured would suck since the most awesome wrestler ever, my beloved Edge, has been gone for the past three months).

Although throughout the night, host Jimmy Kimmel made references to a "surprise guest," it wasn't Mr. Rose. We did get braids, but they belonged to Alicia Keys, who closed the show performing with Queen Latifah as special guest #1 (some "surprise", they kept showing her in the audience!) and some opera singer.



Though that was a letdown, it was nice to see somebody actually singing and playing an instrument instead of singing three lines and dancing to backup singers/taped vocals because that's what the show mainly consisted of.

Even Christina followed the theme of the evening with her opening number:


I will admit though, every time I see Beyonce do this performance it memorizes me and I sit and watch the entire thing:


Then I go on YouTube and watch other people do it. Then I watch the original routine that was the inspiration. Then I do it in front of my bathroom mirror. Then I shoot myself.

Speaking of suicidal (or is that homicidal):


Seriously sweetie, no man is worth that, let alone a Jonas brother. And why no reaction shot? They weren't afraid to get one after every recycled Russell Brand joke Jimmy Kimmel attempted:



So then Kanye said he wanted to be Elvis:


And this was the result:


Here's Scott Weiland introducing Pink who will be performing a song called "Sober." Oh the irony:


And Pink rocked that shit:



The most awesome person in the world, David Cook gets stuck doing the pre-show and then got cut for a commercial:


But they had enough time for this garbage:

Can those other girls even sing?

IT'S MILEY!



Didn't get it then:

Crotchgrabs? Ewww.

And don't get it now:

Thank god for alcohol.

Meanwhile, on Survivor Series:


Yup.

Great Moments in Axl History #4-1!

We're in the homestretch homefucks!!!

#4. Goodbye (for now) old band.



What many fans were dreading was finally confirmed back in 1996 when Slash and Duff, the last two original members (besides Axl) of Guns N' Roses quit the band and left Axl with nothing but the name. Axl promised to have a new album (with an all new band) the following summer (that would be 1997). Well, we all know how that went.

In the meantime Slash, Duff, and drummer Matt Sorum joined up with Scott Weiland (good choice after spending so many years with a volatile singer!) and formed Velvet Revolver in 2003. They released two albums with some success. Then, in a familiar story, personalities clashed with their singer and soon Scott was out just in time for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion. This left the three members again looking for a new frontman. Many names flew around, including Lenny Kravitz, but before that happened, the band was dropped from their record label.

Axl finally got around to releasing that album.

Of course everyone wants a reunion of the original band, but as of now, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen (especially if Slash hears a song called "Sorry"), but never say never. After all, Chinese Democracy has been released! So anything is possible!

Until then, we'll always have memories like this:


#3. GIMME SOME REGGAE!!!



I wonder whatever happened to Tracy and Roberta.


#2. "Thanks to the lame ass security, I'm going home!"

It was the perfect moment. GN'R, the best song of all time:"Rocket Queen", a dead Muppet, and the TIGHTY WHITEY BOOTY SHORTS. But then something happened.



Axl was later arrested for the incident and who was there to get the first interview when he was released from court? Duh!



Wanna know why Axl hasn't commented on Chinese Democracy? Nobody asked Kurt Loder to interview him.

#1. It really happened:



What the hell are you still doing here? Get your ass to Best Buy!! (and don't forget to get your free Dr. Pepper) Axl will be pleased.

FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

(See you again in about fifteen years for the next batch.)

Alright, that sucked!

Great Moments in Axl History #5

First off, way to copy me MTV!




#5. Axl's down with the Governator

We've spent so much time covering Axl's enemies, that it would seem like he doesn't have any friends. But that's not true! One of his dearest is Ahnold Schwarzenegger.

Long before Chinese Democracy, Arnold the Governor of Caleefornia, and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, GN'R's song "You Could Be Mine" was used in Terminator 2. And the video was awesome. It featured clips of the movie, a cameo by Arnold as the Terminator, and THE TIGHTY WHITY BOOTY SHORTS!! It doesn't get much better than that!



Here's everyone talking about the making of the video:



This wasn't the only time Axl's music was used in one of Arnie's movies. "Oh My God" was featured on the soundtrack to End of Days, but it's best leaving both that song and movie forgetten.

THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Kelly Osboune engaged!

Now we know why Ozzy's doing those cell phone commercials. He has a wedding to pay for!

US Weekly reports that Kelly Osbourne is getting married! Her boyfriend, model Luke Worrall made the announcement on his Facebook page when he changed his online relationship status to "engaged to Kelly Osbourne."

The couple has been dating for six months. Kelly is 23 and Luke is 18. Kelly, you cougar!! At least unlike some people, he's legal.

Congrats to the happy couple who I'm sure will have a long, happy marriage!

Sexiest Man Alive

Just in time for his new movie, Hugh Jackman has been named PEOPLE magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!


Hey does this mean they're going to bring back Viva Laughlin?

Watch out Pussycats, there's a new show in town!

Melanie Brown (aka Mel B) and Kelly Monaco are set to star in a new burlesque show in Vegas called PEEPSHOW. Although the dancers in the show will be topless, Mel and Kelly will not be. (For anyone that wants to see Kelly's boobs, just google "Kelly Monaco Playboy") Both women have appeared on Dancing With the Stars.

Here's the plot, Kelly's character is "Little Bo Peep," a timid and lonely girl who is guided by Mel's, "Peep Diva,"who says she will be "scantily clad, but in a classy way."

Mel went on to tell PEOPLE, "This is an original show. The Peep Diva is a diva, but it's all about empowering Kelly's part."

I know, wow! Although, I think I saw a porno like that once.

Like the Pussycat Doll lounge act, the show will have a revolving cast of guest (C-list) celebrities starring in it. Let's just hope this show doesn't spawn a pop group.

Let's check in the rehearsals:

Great Moments in Axl History #9-6

Sorry, sorry!! I know y'all have been anxiously awaiting the latest installments of Great Moments in Axl History, but I figured the best tribute I can pay to him would be to make you wait for it!

Ok, that's not true. I was just lazy.



#9 The Evil Stephanie Seymour



Once upon a time in a far, far away land called Paradise City there lived a red-haired prince named Prince Axl. Now in this time, Prince Axl was a hot piece and could have had his pick of any of the maidens in the entire kingdom.

One day Prince Axl met a beautiful young woman named Stephanie and immediately fell in love with her. But little did Prince Axl know that the fair Stephanie was really evil and had cast a spell on him! So while Prince Axl wrote her love songs and gave her presents, The Evil Stephanie whored around with all of the other older and richer princes in the kingdom.

Finally, the spell wore off and Prince Axl realized he had been played. The two fought and each accused the other of abuse in the higher court. The village believed The Evil Stephanie because she's evil and Prince Axl was labeled a monster. (This one time, The Evil Stephanie morphed into her other form, a menancing black cat, and was almost caught. So to cover up her alter ego, she told everybody that Prince Axl made her go pee pee into the kitty litter box!) Prince Axl just wanted The Evil Stephanie to go away because what he thought was beautiful didn't live inside of her anymore and they reached an agreement out of the eye of the people of Paradise City.

The Evil Stephanie Seymour eventually married some old, wealthy, king and had babies with him to ensure her endless riches while poor Prince Axl was heartbroken for many years and went into hiding, writing many sad songs. (Hear them on Chinese Democracy, available November 23rd exclusively at Best Buy!)

(Also, beware whenever you see a menacing black cat because it could be The Evil Stephanie Seymour on the prowl.)


#8. Who's the Boss? Duh, who do you think? (AKA: Axl saves the day!)

Here's another story, but this one is a really cool . The plan was for Elton John and Rod Stewart to perform the song "Come Together" to honor John Lennon at the 1994 Rock and Roll Hall Fame ceremony where John was to be (posthumously) inducted as a solo artist. However an earthquake in Los Angeles changed those plans when it hit shortly before the event and they were not able to make it.

The production crew scrambled during the live show to get a replacement to perform the song. They literally went table to table at the ceremony looking for someone! So first, they approached Bruce Springsteen, who politely refused. Then they saw Axl at the next table and asked him. Axl said yes and then pulled up a chair next to Bruce. The two were then seen going over the lyrics for a couple minutes. When the act that was playing onstage during all of this left the stage, Axl and Bruce got up from the table, walked onstage and came together to perform the song.



I always love seeing Axl perform with a straight man as well as on a small stage (the musical equivalent of "fat guy in a little coat"). Awesomeness.


#7. Axl vs. Eagles of Death Metal (AKA: Axl vs. the Pigeons of Shit Metal)


In 2006, Axl invited a little known band called The Eagles of Death Metal (neither the Eagles nor death metal) out on tour with his band as the opening act. During the very first show while the Eagles were on, the audience started loudly booing them. Later, when Axl took the stage he asked the audience if they enjoyed "the Pigeons of Shit Metal," and then told the crowd that he was kicking them off the tour because they sucked.

There are rumors that new GN'R bassist, Tommy Stinson threw down his bass in response to Axl's comment and that Axl picked it up and threw it at him. (Don't know, can't find a video of it, but Tommy's still in the band, so....)

Another reason EODM singer Jesse Hughs claims for Axl's comment was that earlier that night Jesse referred to Axl's BFF Sebastian Bach as "Savage Animal." He claims a pissed off Sebastian told Axl, who wasn't pleased.

Whatever the reason, The Eagles of Death Metal responded to the firing by releasing a statement where they lamely inserted names of GN'R songs:

“ At first, the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city. Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o' mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die.”

Later, GN'R management asked the band to rejoin the tour, but they refused. In the end The Eagles of Death Metal ended up receiving full pay for the whole tour despite only playing one show. Not t0o shabby! Hughs mentioned that after the story broke he received a text message from Dave Grohl: (see #33) ‘Disappointment from Axl is like being knighted.’ Well Dave has a point there.

NOTE: Interestingly, yesterday Jesse Hughs praised Chinese Democracy on mtv.com. Sounds like somebody wants another opening slot chance.


#6. Axl vs. Tommy Hilfiger (AKA: "I don't want it to spill")


You remember this one, right? Two years ago at Rosario Dawson's birthday party at The Plumm nightclub in New York, Axl and Tommy Hilfiger got into a disagreement over a drink . Yes, a drink.

See Axl remembers when he was young and broke and a wasted bottle of Nightrain was a sin. So when it looked like Tommy's girlfriend's beverage of choice was dangling dangerously close to the edge of the table, Axl saved the precious alcohol by moving it over. But The Hilfiger got pissed and yelled, "Don't "fucking touch her fucking drink!" and took two swings at him.

Surprisingly, Axl didn't hit back. The Plumm owner Noel Ashman said, "Axl was a gentleman and had the good sense not to retaliate as he would have done some serious damage to Hilfiger." Tommy was escorted out of the club and Axl dedicated the song "You're Crazy" to his "good friend Tommy Hilfiger." Kid Rock, also at the party told Axl the whole incident was "totally Detroit!" because Detroit is known for their mean streets and out of control fashion designers.

Once again, to reenact these events, I give you: Some Guy on YouTube:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to Tom and Katie!!!

Hang in there Katie, only seven more years and 364 days to go!

They're real, and they're unspectacular!

Apparently there was recently a rumor that Katy Perry had breast implants. (I didn't hear it either, but then I tend to tune out everything about this annoying bitch.)

Katy set the record straight to The Sun, "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!"

So if they were free???

SOURCE

Guy ain't getting a penny!

Madonna has signed on for $10 million to become the "new" face of Louis Vuitton. Madge was recently spotted out with Vuitton designer Marc Jacobs and is a longtime fan of the expensive clothing and accessories.


Another fan of pretentious bags that are worth a lot of money?

Alexander Rodriguez.

SOURCE

Heigl's lovin' it

BREAKING NEWS!!! Katherine Heigl celebrated her 30th birthday last night in Hollywood with a 1920's themed party, but on the way, she stopped at Micky D's for some grub.

According to reports, the Rolls-Royce she was riding in went through a Hollywood drive-through and Katherine was spotted scarfing down a Big MAC in her expensive gown!! Who knew, she always seemed so healthy!

McDonald's later commented to New York Post, "Our food is well-known and well-liked by millions - including talented, world-famous actresses."

No word on who the talented, world-famous actresses are.

Hey, Katherine's old enough to remember this:

Uncoolgate today on Oprah

Ok, ok, I will now move on from my imaginary feud to a real-life one. Jen Aniston recently called Saint Angelina "uncool" in an interview after Ang mentioned how she looks forward to telling her kids that mommy and daddy were fucking around on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

So here's a clip of Jen explaining the comment (which she does not need to explain!!! Her husband cheated on her and the other woman rubbed it in her face!!! She's allowed to call that "uncool!") to The Oprah:

Even more reason he's the Asshat of the Week

Apparently, being the voice of the generation, does not mean that you are exempt from getting arrested.

Kanye West was leaving a nightclub in the U.K. early this morning when he saw a paparazzo taking his picture. This prompted him to push the camera into the photographer's face while shouting, “Get the fucking camera off him!” Kanye was arrested three hours laster at his hotel. He was then released and has not been charged.

The man, Terry Blackburn, says he has been suffering with a cut face and bruising since the incident. TMZ obtained a photo of his boo-boo.

SOURCE

Are you listening Axl???? Kanye is trying to steal your thunder!! Beating up people with cameras is YOUR gig! Do something!!!

Asshat of the Week

There's delusions of grandeur and then there's Kanye West.

In an interview, Kanye recently spurtled out this mouthful of verbal diarrhea:

"I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,. It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan."

Hey Kanye,

Oh sorry,

HEY KANYE!! LIL BOW WOW BEGS TO DIFFER! HE GOT THE MAGIC SNEAKERS, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kanye then went on to call out Timberfuck, claiming Justin's slacking off was his gain ( of being the voice of the generation):

"There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums. And it just came out to be that."

Ok, seriously. Everybody go out to Best Buy next Sunday and buy a copy of Chinese Democracy. Even if you don't like the band, do it for better good. We really need to stop this. Not having the number 1 album, will knock him down a little, you know? And even if you like Kanye, do it for his own good, because any more success and his head will explode.

SOURCE

Great Moments in Axl History #10

Wow, we've hit the top ten already!!!

#10 Axl vs. Vince Neil (listen up Kanye!)

Perhaps the most famous of all of Axl's feuds, was the one with Vince Neil. It all started at (where else?) the MTV Video Awards, when GN'R bandmate Izzy Stradlin hit on Vince's then-wife (I think that was about four wives ago...) Vince took a shot at Izzy. Say it with me: Axl wasn't pleased. He told Vince he was "going to kill him." Soon it became all about Axl and Vince and everybody forgot Izzy had anything to do with it at all (just like with Guns N' Roses!)

The two went back and forth challenging each other. Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar even offered to put up the money to have the fight at Madison Square Garden. But like most of the rest, the fight never happened.






THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY