Asshat Hollywood

Kanye West doesn't care about white country singers

2009-09-15T11:46:00.004-04:00

FUCKER
(sung to the tune of "Stronger")

Get lit, start shit, throw fit, just quit
Douchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na-now they wanna kill me,
Cause I acted like a fucker
I seriously need to grow up now
And stop acting like a soreass sucker
Perhaps maybe I should have allowed
Taylor to talk a bit longer
Man, I’m regrettin’ it right now,
Hope my career don’t suffer

I need help right now,
Where’s my publicist now?

On the sauce tonight,
Was pissed that Beyonce lost tonight.
Jump up on the stage, I'm a douche alright,
Cuz I don't give a crap about being polite
Here comes, hey Taylor give me that award!
Damn, look at me, I’m a real famewhore
I suck ass, I’m immature,
Now nobody likes my rants anymore

How in the presence of greatness
'Can they boo at me? but nevertheless
This will be covered by all the press
That I’m bullying the country princess
Lost my head, went nuts, threw a fit,
It was worse than that time the guy from Oasis spit
Or that dude from Rage climbed up that sh*t
Can’t help it, phony, bein’ a dick
Pickin’ on chicks, later!

Na-na-na-now I blame Hennessey
Can that stuff be any stronger?
I gotta go throw up now
Can’t sit here much longer
I just don’t understand how
Everyone thinks I’m wronger
Than that Lady Gaga blood shit
Beyonce changed her number

I need meds right now,
Call the doctor right now.

I don't know if my date’s a man or not,
Wonderin’ that a lot,
Don’t really matter cause I think she’s hot
Or maybe that should be I think he’s hot
We like to go to Rodeo on shopping sprees
Then go home and check out the latest Glee
But if I had to choose, I’d choose me
.
Ain’t trippin', I'm caught up in my ego, a’ight?
I mean, look at me I’m God-like,
A mirror and KY for a good night
Singing with a vocoder on my mic
Ranting on my blog, CAPS-LOCKED keys I strike
Calling people SQUIDBRAINS and the like
Dressing like Steve Urkel on his prom night
All these things makin me a
Douchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na- it’s all over tv
About how I’m a fucker
The bitches on the View are saying
“He’s got less manners than a trucker”
I just had a little outburst
This won’t last much longer
It ain’t like I’m Chris Brown
He probably would’ve clocked her

I need nap right now,
I need nap right now.

Seriously, what about that Lady Gaga?
And Pink exposing her ta-ta?
I think Russell Brand had a boner
Beyonce deserved that honor.

Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.

The Most Awesome Thing You'll See All Day!

2009-06-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the interruption

2009-06-03T18:20:00.009-04:00

As a wise man named Eddie Vedder once said, I’m still alive. Hey yeah., Oh. Oh. I’m still alive.

So who missed me?

Mom?

Dad?

God? Are you there God, it’s me Shithead?

Damn Well, if there is anyone out there, I do apologize for my extended leave of absence. But I have returned because this pathetic slut known as Asshat Hollywood needed a good, hard pity fuck really bad and wouldn’t stop sexting me.

Sometimes you just get in a funk, you know?

So I was trying to figure out just why I’ve had no urge to keep up with the going-ons of the attention whores of the world and the answer came to me in a vision of hair extensions attached to a hollow head standing next to a living, breathing douche the other night while watching “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” See, it’s because lately, the only attention whores in the news aren’t even real stars. I know it’s been heading this way for a while, but now they are the large majority. “They” being these people that are really hard to give a real shit about one way or the other, let alone devote time and energy to make fun of. And most of the time, these dumbasses do enough stupid shit on their own that you don’t need to bother anyway. I mean, look at all the news in the past 48 hours surrounding Heidi and Spencer – “Did they really quit the show? Will they come back again? Are they really being replaced? By who? Heidi’s sister? Wait, Heidi’s SISTER? Who? Why?” Who gives a shit about these twats?

And then of course we have the Jon and Kate saga every fucking second for the past few hundred months. It’s headline news. There’s something really wrong with that. Who the hell are these idiots? They actually had a special report on their marriage problems on E! a few weeks ago. Before all this foolishness, I remember seeing Kate once, (once!) on some show about multiple births and I only remember it because she had this big nasty stomach with saran wrap over it and it made me gag and change the channel and then I was really happy because Empire Records was on FUSE and I love that movie (“Stop calling me Warren!”) Now you can’t change the channel (or go online or to the grocery store) without seeing headlines about John and Kate and that thing on her head. Who gives a shit about these morons?! Is anyone even taking care of those children? She’s making Octomom look normal. And there’s another one. And so it goes and goes and goes.

It’s so sad that nowadays anybody can become a celebrity. I miss the days when a person actually had to have talent and star quality and work their ass off or at least sleep their way to the top to become famous. Because lazy, talentless assholes like me respect people like that. But now, you don’t have to be or do any of those things anymore. All you have to do is:

A) Go on a reality show
B) Be related to someone famous, someone that was on a reality show, or someone really rich
C) Take fertility drugs and have a bunch of babies at once
D) Any combination of the above

I guess that’s actually good news for us lazy, talentless assholes of the world because that means that we too can become famous. We all can! But that presents a problem. This conundrum is best explained in the cinematic classic, To Die For, when at the end after Nicole Kidman gets whacked (speaking of, her face never seemed to recover from being frozen in that lake) Lydia epilogues: “Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused." We’re almost there, Lydia, we’re almost there.

Anyway, I’m gonna stop rambling now and express my thoughts in song.

(You know the drill, hit play and follow along below)

Can someone please tell me
Who these people are?
Who’s Audrina Partridge?
Why are real housewives stars?

Contestants on “The Bachelor”
Are called celebrities
And Kim Kardashian’s sisters
Got their own show on E!

I really don’t understand just how
Your face is on my TV now
When did you to prove to me
Your relevancy?
Who in…the fuck…are you?

I can’t resist the urge to shove pencils in my eyes
Every time I see coverage of one of Jon and Kate’s fights
I don’t care about their issues
Or who is screwing who
But what poor rodent had to die for that wack hairdo?

Somebody tell me how we allow
These twits to turn into cash cows
I have a college degree
But the Pratts make more than me
Who in…the fuck….are you?

Hey you’re not off the hook, yeah you: Susan Boyle
I really don’t care who kissed you, or if you dyed your fro

Oh yeah I did

Cuz all I can say is “fucking wow”
At all the shit that’s popular now
Goddamn reality
Brooke Hogan, get off my TV!
Who in …the fuck….are you?

That goes for everyone on VH1 now
And that freak Vince who sells ShamWow
You bitches don’t count to me
As real celebrities
Who in…the fuck…are you?

　
Well at least the super talented, charismatic, contestant won on American Idol though right? Wait, what?

Asshat Idol: Top 4 - THE MOST AWESOME WEEK EVER!

2009-05-06T11:59:00.004-04:00

I went into last night's episode fully prepared to be let down, because "Rock Week with special guest Slash" sounds way too good for reality to live up to the idea of it. Surprisingly, it did. And then some. The awesome was even awesomer and the suck was the most awesome of all!

I think we all know what I'm referring to, so let's just get right to it:

This is the kind of we've been waiting for! And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person! Oh Gokey, I'm actually glad you stuck around this long because if you hadn't we'd never have this amazing piece of Idol history! Another plus? We finally learned how to make Paula sit down when she does that annoying dancing along all the time. The funniest part about it all is that Danny thought he was great--he did a fucking victory lap at the end and cheered his own awesomeness. And then once the judges told him how terrible he was, he refused to believe it and said he'd "have to watch it back." Well, he'll have no problem finding it on Youtube:

You know tonight Seacrest is going to ask him what he thought of it when he watched it back. He'll probably attempt some self-depreciating joke that will be so transparent that Scott MacIntyre will stand up in the audience and go "Dude, even I can see through that bullshit." and then he'll say he thought the rest of the song wasn't that bad. And then he will get voted off and he'll have to sing it AGAIN!!! (I'm dreaming on here, I know Kris is toast, but it would rule.)

We have Slash to thank for this. He is totally responsible for this by psyching Gokey out about hitting that note. Slash knows how to use that reverse psychology for his amusement. Like when he used to tell Axl those blazer/bootyshort suits looked awesome and then he'd go laugh with Duff behind Axl's back.

Nearly eclipsing the fall of Gokey was the incredible pairing of Adam and Allison. Try to watch this just once, you can't. Seriously, it's THAT awesome:

The duet of Gokey and Kris- not so much.

Just watch Kris, he's adorable.

Allison killed:

Adam killed:

Kris got killed (by the judges):

Tonight - Slash performs! No Doubt performs! DAUGHTRY (the fuck?) performs! Paula Abdul (hopefully accompanied by an animated cat) performs! The top 4 performs! Then Kris or possibly Allison (NOOO!!) will get eliminated at 10:07 PM.

Ah-dam!! Ah-dam!!

2009-05-01T13:57:00.006-04:00

So this past Wednesday, Idol producers tried to pull the old fakeout on us and make us think Adam was in the bottom 2 and risked going home. He wasn't. He didn't. Matt-in-the-Hat Girard did of course. And America was relieved. No one more so than little Baby Paisley:

Don't forget to vote next week Paisley! It's been confirmed - next week is motherfucking Rock week with special guest mentor:

Hell to the yeah! I wonder if they'll let him smoke. They don't even let Simon smoke indoors!

It has also been revealed that next week the contestants will have two performances - one solo and one duet with another contestant.

Asshat Idol - Top 5- Rat Pack

2009-04-29T13:03:00.002-04:00

Surprisingly, last night on American Idol, the Idols stayed true to the Rat Pack theme. Everyone got all dressed up (except Simon and Randy) in their best formal wear and pretended that Jamie Fox was some kind of a legend and didn't say those things about Miley and can I just stop here for a minute and say that there is a rumor that NEXT WEEK IS ROCK WEEK AND SLASH IS THE MENTOR???????!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!! It hasn't been confirmed but if it's true it means that the Idol Gods have finally answered my prayers. This is television Reese's Cups for me! Please be true!! Oh my god.

Sorry, ok. Rat Pack. Standards.

OH HELL, HERE'S ADAM BECAUSE THAT'S ALL ANYBODY REALLY WANTS TO SEE ANYWAY:

Everything we've come to expect from Adam. Over-the-top, theatrical, crazy vocals, judges cream themselves (Kara, quite literally), etc, etc, etc.

THIS YEAR'S SYESHA:

Meaning hopefully she'll make top three (since it's clear Adam and Deadwife are 1 and 2 or 2 and 1, depending on whether dialidol is correct). Because anything less would suck.

DREADED FIRST SPOT:

Poor Kris. Despite gaining momentum these past few weeks, poor adorable Kris was stuck in the suicide spot this week. Even worse, he received good critiques from the judges, however later in the show the judges seemed to have developed amnesia and completely forgot that they liked him. I'm worried for him tonight. (sorry about the poor quality video)

Ok, while searching for valid YouTubes for the remaining contestants, I stumbled upon this awesomeness, so I'm gonna be lazy and let Sir Bitter take over from here with this week's recap:

BREAKING NEWS - Source of Swine Flu Detected and Sent Back to Mexico

2009-04-28T12:52:00.003-04:00

Newlyweds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are headed to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on their honeymoon.

Have a great time you lovebirds!!!

SOURCE

Rat Pack Week on Idol

2009-04-28T12:33:00.002-04:00

Photo credit - VFTW.com

Tonight's theme on American Idol is "The Rat Pack" and for absolutely no reason the special guest mentor has been announced as Jamie Foxx.

I don't get it. Did he play Sammy Davis Jr. or something? Wait, hang on. No, no he didn't. Don Cheadle did though, was he busy? Cause that would have made more sense. Oh wait, Jamie Foxx is a singer, that's right. He's a triple threat. Ugh. Jamie Foxx is one of those people that annoys the everloving hell out of me. Oh well, maybe he'll go off on another Miley tirade.

And am I the only person who can't NOT think of this everytime I see Jamie Foxx?

Funhouse vs. Circus

2009-04-28T11:53:00.005-04:00

Pink still don't wanna be a stupid girl. The singer is reportedly pissed with people accusing her of copying Britney Spears' circus theme, with her upcoming similarly-themed Funhouse world tour that will be hitting the states this summer, because her album (also named Funhouse) actually came out before Britney's.

Pink says, "Had I known that certain other people were going to base their latest thing about circus things, I probably would have went into another direction. I was six months before that and didn't really understand that it was a trend that was happening. I'm pretty out of the loop."

SOURCE

Also "in the loop?" World's sweetheart, Susan Boyle, with her upcoming Carnival tour!

Thank you for being a friend

2009-04-27T11:53:00.003-04:00

This made me really sad. Bea Arthur passed away Saturday at the age of 86 from cancer.

RIP Bea.

SOURCE

Speidi to make it official on Saturday

2009-04-21T12:37:00.003-04:00

Speaking of douchebags, the two talentless attention-whoring ones known as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will reportedly marry for real this time this Saturday. No word on whether Spencer's creepy-flesh-colored beard will be the best man.

According to UsMagazine.com, it will be a sunset ceremony taking place at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena.

So anyone in Pasadena, please feel free to show up to congratulate the happy couple by throwing rice at them.

Bags of rice.

The big ones.

You could get them at Costco.

SOURCE

Who'th the douthe now Cristh?

2009-04-21T12:02:00.004-04:00

Criss Angel got sent to the corner for some quiet time by the producers of his Las Vegas show, "Believe," after he spotted Perez Hilton in the audience last Friday night.

Criss stopped his act and announced to the crowd, "I have to recognith thomeone thpecial here in the houth. Pereth Hilton, pleath thand up. We have the world'sth biggeth douthebag athole in the houth!"

Perez then reciprocated with, "Thanks for the free tickets." He then twittered (God, I hate that stupid shit!) some mean comments about Criss's show.

The organizers of "Believe" and the Cirque du Soleil Moon Fry has since apologized for Angel's "inappropriate and disrespectful" comments and have released the following statement:

"Cirque du Soleil does not condone disrespectful behavior towards any audience member at any time. Cirque management will address such behavior privately with any of its artists to ensure it will not happen again. Along with our partner, MGM MIRAGE, Cirque du Soleil wishes to extend an apology to any audience member that may have been offended by Criss Angel's inappropriate and disrespectful remarks at Friday night's performance of Believe."

I'm sure that apology includes everyone sitting in the first row who got spit on.

SOURCE

The Latest Member of the "I'm a size 2" Club is..........

2009-04-21T11:28:00.005-04:00

Kim Kardashian posted a message on her blog taking offense to the store Forever 21 referring to her as a "fuller-sized woman" while introducing their new line of plus-size clothing. Only, they never actually called her anything other than a "fan" of the store.

Kim wrote:

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

HAAAAAAAAA!! Can't. Stop. Laughing! Size 2! I love it! Even Kim's "fans" aren't buying that shit:

April 21, 2009 7:19 AM
blondedmbfan15 says: | Reply

I’m Sorry Kim but maybe you wore a size 2 when you were ten but any women knows that with an ass and thighs like yours you wear a much bigger size. Also maybe you need to take some college courses or high school for that matter; all the article said was that you were a fan of the store not the damn plus size line.

April 21, 2009 5:51 AM
tqgucci says: | Reply

I think you need to go to try on a size 2 in case you forgot what a size 2 is, you are NOT a size 2. Sorry but that's the truth.

April 21, 2009 5:02 AM
badeiah11 says: | Reply

YOU ARE A SHALLOW BITCH*ONCE AGAIN YOU OFFEND YOUR FANS!!! BUT THIS TOPPED IT! ALL US CURVY WOMAN LOOKED UP TO YOU!!! AND NOW WE SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS!!**ITS REAL MESSED UP THAT YOU WON'T TAKE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO ADDRESS THIS! We FANS DESERVE AN APOLOGY

kareno8 says: | Reply

My sister and I used to be fans, but no longer.
You are NOT a size 2. I am 105 pounds and 5 feet and I AM A SIZE 2.
You're not even a size 4 or a size 6. We saw your cellulite get blasted off on TV!

April 21, 2009 2:18 AM
kareno8 says: | Reply

we are still laughing at how you say you are a size 2. Also, some plus sized women still work hard to stay slim and healthy. losing weight is a struggle for many because not all have the same metabolism, genes, or cosmetic surgeons (kim).

April 20, 2009 9:03 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

ONE OF UR THIGHS IS A SIZE 2

April 20, 2009 9:33 PM
bechiiik said to: shaydiva | Reply

No but what you can do is put a rope around your neck, tie the rope to your roof, get on a chair and then let you fall from it :)

April 20, 2009 11:33 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

I AM A SIZE 2XL AND I DNT HAVE HALF OF THE CELLULITE AND STRECH MARKS THAT U AT A SIZE 2 HAVE! LMAO!

April 21, 2009 3:28 AM
M. says: | Reply

Kim, I know you're not 2 smart, but now I see that you just might be "Dumb and Dumber" built into 1! The US article states that you are a fan of Forever 21, not the plus size Faith line. You clearly lack reading comprehension skills!!!

(The last 1 is my favorite.)

I have the best idea for a game show. It can be called "So You Think You're a Size Two" where contestants like Kim, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, and any other delusional moron who has ever referred to themselves as a size two have to attempt to put on actual size two clothing in front of a studio audience (and America). Tyra Banks would host of course and any(every)one who didn't fit in the clothes would have to yell "KISS MY FAT ASS!"

In other useless bitches with the last name Kardashian news, Kim's two sisters just got their own reality show for some unknown reason.

Happy 4/20!

2009-04-20T16:02:00.005-04:00

Asshat Idol - Top Seven - Movie Week

2009-04-15T11:11:00.005-04:00

This week's theme on American Idol was "Songs From Movies That Other American Idol Contestants Have Already Done a Million Times." "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": CHECK. "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" CHECK. "Have You Ever Really, Really Ever Loved a Woman?": CHECK. Yawn.

However fortunately, we have Adam:

I mean, even Rob Halford was sitting at home like "Damn!" Then he added, "Shit, he's pretty hot too. Wonder if I'm too old for him."

The only problem with Adam is where the hell is he going to go from here? I mean, is there more or did he blow his load with this? Guess we'll have to wait and see what next week's theme is ("Metal Night" please!!).

Lil Rounds is about to cut a bitch:

Lil' Rounds responded to the judges' previous criticism about choosing adult contemporary songs by singing "The Rose" by Bette Midler. She attempted to throw some gospel in the middle of it to make it her own, but the judges hated it anyway. Then Lil' finally cracked and delivered a verbal beatdown. Sadly, I couldn't find video of it (the one above cuts off before the judges' critique) but it went something like this:

Simon: "Little, you are not as good as we thought you were. You sucked. Allison is the only girl in this competition that has a chance. Oh screw that too, everyone knows Adam is going to win. So you should just sing Mary J Blige songs until you're voted off because that's your box."

Lil: "Ryan, may I say something?".....:

That doesn't really matter though, because in Lil's favor, she has gained Megan's fans and according to DIALIDOL it's going to be Kris or Matt. (WTF, Gokey's in first place?! What the fuck is wrong with America?)

Random Shit I Found on YouTube

2009-04-14T13:29:00.002-04:00

Hey kids! You don't need to buy expensive trendy designer clothes by Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Bill Blass to be a real hot dog, just check out Mr. T's tips on how to be stylin in this amazing 80's treasure.

Donna's Back on 90210! Hijinks and Shenanigans ensue!

2009-04-14T13:24:00.002-04:00

Here's a sneak peek at tonight's episode of 90210 with the return of Donna Martin, Fashion Designer Extraordinaire:

So, Silver's normal again?

I say good for her!

2009-04-14T10:30:00.002-04:00

Lindsay Lohan posted a fake eHarmony ad on FunnyorDie.com:

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Not buying it

2009-04-13T16:46:00.004-04:00

Useless slut, Tila Tequila, claims a crazed stalker broke into her house yesterday while she was out at a friend's Easter barbeque, smashed her living room and locked her dog in the trunk of her car.

Tila Twittered (yes, she Twittered!):

"Someone did indeed break into my house. It's been a very scary night for me... Too much has happened. I am scared, exhausted and drained but I am ok! Want to apologize to my fans who were worried about me.
I'm moving into a different house very soon because I have a stalker who is very much so endangering my life at the moment... They broke everything in my living room....EVERYTHING IS SHATTERED! I'm so sad right now....this sucks. Then I found my dog locked in the trunk of my car!!!!!!!!!! I've been crying all night. This is fucked up. I'm sad and shocked... I'm still shaking and crying! My dog in the trunk of the car, house is shattered, everything is smashed! I'm staying at a friends house 2nite. Please pay attention to me!! Remember me? I'm a reality star! If I have a stalker, that means I am still relevant dammit. Like that girl on Dancing With the Stars, hey I could be on that show... ARE YOU LISTENING PRODUCERS? Hopefully this will make E! News. Oh shit, I just realized that I broke the glass from the inside."

SOURCE

The Duggars are planning to take over the world

2009-04-13T10:30:00.004-04:00

Seriously, think about it: If each of their eighteen kids have eighteen kids of their own, that's 324 Duggars. Then their eighteen kids will have eighteen kids and so on and so on and before you know it, the Duggars will control Earth and we'll all be forced to join that crazy ass cult where everybody has really ugly clothes and bad hair and gets molested by Daddy Jim Bob!! I seem to remember Nostradamus mentioning this once.

And it's starting with their oldest son, Joshua, 21. Joshua's new wife Anna is pregnant with the couple's first child. The couple told PEOPLE they are planning a "name theme" like Joshua's parents (all eighteen kids' names start with "J") which means, they are planning to have many, many more.

SOURCE

All I can say is:

Another womb
Preparing for wreckage
Now that Michelle’s out of her prime
More Duggar children
A new generation
They’ll have two hundred kids combined
And I wonder are they all fucking deranged?
And if under the bad hair, if they have any brains

We don't need another Duggar
We don't need no more sperm to roam
Why couldn’t his wife use some contraceptive foam?

Try looking for something….to do besides spawn
There’s stuff like knitting a sweater to wear
If music’s a passion, maybe try drumming
If not there’s reupholstering chairs
Then I’ll ponder if you can be the ones who will change it?
Cuz you don’t need a family the size of Ukraine
Where all names start with “J”

We don't need another Duggar
Michelle’s already got 18 at home
And we sure as hell don’t need another reality show

Please, Joshua and your wife…
Listen to my remarks
If you need yet another life
Get something that barks
Like a dog or something

Trouble (again) in Paradise?

2009-04-13T10:14:00.002-04:00

"That Natalie Portman sure is cute."

There's a rumor going around that Angelina Jolie is rippin' over Natalie Portman personally requesting Brad Pitt to play her lover in a new movie.

A source said:

"Angelina had a massive fit and was shouting her head off. She accused Brad of flirting with Natalie. "Angelina can't help but feel threatened. Brad knows how jealous she gets but won't stop saying how gorgeous and intelligent Natalie is. He keeps saying she is 'cute as a button. Angelina worries about karma. It's eating her up and we're sure the cause of a lot of the rows is her not quite trusting Brad."

Ooohh, what goes around comes around!

There are also rumors that Brad had pleaded with Angie to attend couples' counselling in a desperate bid to save their relationship to which Angelina is said to have agreed to, but only after seeking the advice of her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton. The source added: "This just caused more friction with Brad because although he doesn't have a problem with her talking to her exes, he doesn't understand why she would take Billy Bob's advice to try therapy as when he suggested it to her she reacted very angrily."

SOURCE

Wait a minute, Angelina asked BILLY BOB THORTON for advice?

When wrestlers make movies

2009-04-10T15:14:00.008-04:00

Earlier today, I posted about the upcoming awesome tough-guy movie, The Expendables, and I mentioned that the cast should include more wrestlers in it. How funny that on the very same day, I came across this trailer for an upcoming (most likely straight-to-DVD) thriller called End Game (no, not that one, that's a whole nother thing) that made me maybe want to rethink my earlier statement.

End Game stars the amazing roided-out crazy bitch and Olympic gold-medalist, Kurt Angle, as a crazy psychopathic serial killer. Wait, it gets better! The film also stars Jenna Morasca of Survivor and Playboy fame (and now appearing along with Kurt on TNA aka: the poor man's WWE). She plays, wait for it, a stripper! This is actually a real movie. And not a porn (obviously, those have much better acting.). I especially love the clown getup (Doink!). Try to get through it without laughing (or chanting "YOU SUCK!")

All I can say is, John Cena's gotta feel a whole lot better about 12 Rounds after checking out this trailer.

Guess who may be getting married.........again

2009-04-10T14:47:00.003-04:00

Stop me if you've heard this one - Pamela Anderson may be getting married again.

Rumors started after Pam's designer friend, Richie Rich (the hell?), told people at a party this week in Miami that he is working on designing her a wedding gown. Richie was quoted as saying "I already did one - we'll do another one" in response to a question about designing a wedding gown for Pam after she gushed about her boyfriend. He didn't mention if the dress would be white.

Pam is currently dating scuba diver (insert your own "going down under with an oxygen tank" joke here) Jamie Padgett.

SOURCE

Best Actress: Saaphyri

2009-04-10T13:41:00.004-04:00

On I Love Money this week, Becky "Buckwild" and Saaphyri "Lip Chap" tried to come up with a plan to make the 15 minute decision making time in the Vault run out so they would have a chance of being safe from elimination. The first plan, Buckwild pouring water over everyone (without even any soap or nuthin'!) failed, so then Saaphyri had to draw upon her exquisite acting chops (2:00) to carry out their strategy. She was amazing (and demure - 3:03), however maybe too convincing for her own good because when the medics arrived, they pulled out the needle and thus, the plan was yet foiled again.

VH1 really needs to give these two a show (screw that Daisy of Love crap!), they're like the new Lucy and Ethel.

Possibly the most badass movie of all time

2009-04-10T10:02:00.005-04:00

Fuck that Sex and the City crap, I'm looking forward to the testosteronefest, The Expendables, opening 2010.

Have you heard about this one yet? Written, directed, and starring Sylvester Stallone, it's the story of a team of mercenaries that go to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. You know the plot's not important though, because it's just an excuse to blow things up real good. Real, real good.

Check out this motherfucking cast: Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Randy Couture (UFC). As for estrogen, so far there's only Charisma Carpenter (Thumbs up! Longtime girl crush!) and Brittany Murphy (Good on her for finally getting some work!)

This has the potential to acheive the level of awesomeness that Snakes on a Plane could have if it was good (and if they didn't kill the chihuahua.) They just need to cast Samuel L. Jackson, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, The Rock, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Mr. T, about half the WWE, and of course, Chuck Norris.

This will sweep the Oscars in 2011!

Sex and the City Sequel Spoilers

2009-04-10T09:45:00.005-04:00

A source recently revealed to MSNBC some possible plots for the 'Sex and the City' movie. So stop reading this RIGHT NOW if you don't want to know. But it's probably better if you do, so you can save your money.

Samantha's going to become a broke-ass bitch:

"The proposed story line for Samantha will be her having to downsize her big-spending life after some of her investments get wiped out. You will see her having to survive on a more modest budget but still staying true to her fabulous taste."

As for everyone that screamed at the ending of the first movie when Carrie married Big, they may be screaming "I told you so dumbass!" during this one:

" The sequel will include key scenes of Carrie and Big in London [Carrie will move to London with her husband 'Mr. Big' after his business in New York starts to suffer], possibly shooting this winter for six weeks. Big loses a lot of money and takes a job in London, living alone in a one-bedroom apartment. Big gets really low and ends up in bed with another woman. After she leaves him Carrie discovers she is pregnant."

(However, Chris Noth has not yet signed on for the sequel so that storyline may not even happen.)

What the hell? Samantha shops at Fashion Bug? Big cheats on a pregnant Carrie? Why don't they just kill off Miranda and make if even more fucking depressing? God. They should have quit after the first one. Bad, bad idea.

SOURCE

Buffy's Pregnant!

2009-04-10T09:18:00.001-04:00

Congrats to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. who announced today that they are expecting their first child together! The baby is due in the fall.

SOURCE

Britney pulled an Axl

2009-04-09T09:51:00.005-04:00

The "Circus" tour is already starting to go the way of the "Onyx Hotel" tour. Britney Spears walked off the stage three songs into her show last night in Vancouver after complaining about the smoky air in the arena. After storming off, an announcement was made:

"The building is awfully smoky. It is uncomfortable for everyone on stage, including Ms. Spears. Please extinguish all cigarettes – this is a non-smoking building, and the show will resume when the smoke on the stage is cleared."

During the unexpected thirty-minute intermission, music played and the crowd grew more and more agitated, booing and yelling insults.

Britney eventually came back on and finished her show but the crowd were not very grateful. At the end of the show Britney concluded with telling the audience, "Vancouver, don't smoke weed." (Yeah, that'll happen in Vancouver. Vancouver.)

After the show, Britney's publicist released a statement to the Associated Press, saying that "crew members above the stage became ill due to a ventilation issue."

Below is audio of the announcement, along with comments from the crowd. I love the guy that keeps yelling "You're a ho!"

SOURCE

America hates blind people!

2009-04-09T09:25:00.004-04:00

You should be ashamed of yourself America! And judges for not using the save! Scott MacIntyre was sent home on American Idol last night. Ok, so he was probably the worst one left, but he's blind! Or is he? (Anyone catch when he said "I'll have to watch my performance back." Hmmmm. Nice job!)

Well, goodbye Scott. I sure am going to miss him in the group numbers. I'll also miss the Braille Vote For the Worst banner:

Oh also, FloRida? FloRida? Are you fucking kidding me Idol? God I hate that shit. As if that song hasn't been tortured enough.

Next week - Songs from movies. And guess what? Quentin Tarantino's back!

Octomom - The TV Show

2009-04-08T10:59:00.007-04:00

We all knew it was coming.

Nadya Suleman reportedly has a reality show in the works. The show which is being described as “Jon & Kate Plus 8” meets “The Bachelor”will chronicle her life raising 14 children and looking for love. (I'm guessing the men will consist of aspiring cult leaders.) Further details, including the network which will carry the show, have not yet been disclosed.
SOURCE

There's only one way this could possibly work:

Here's the story of a crazy lady
who already had too many freaking kids
all of them hoped to be sold, to Angelina
the youngest prayed for sids

The lady's story, it got more shady
When she wanted eight more kids of her own
Her vagina became a clown car
and America groaned

Then the lady whored herself to tv fellows
And some wackass (probably Fox) producer had a hunch,
That a crew should document this family
And then we'll call this trash tv the Octo bunch

The Octo bunch, the Octo bunch
Tune in, you'll be sure to lose your lunch!

With Gloria Allred!

And Dr. Phil as Sam the Butcher!

Goodbye Megan! I won't forget to caw!

2009-04-02T09:14:00.005-04:00

VFTW

Sorry about the no Asshat Idol post this week. I did try yesterday, but the fucking copyright police took down every freaking performance from YouTube.

It doesn't really matter though, because there really weren't any standout performances (no, not even Adam) on Tuesday night. The real highlights were on last night's results show when America's favorite songbird, Megan, was eliminated. I hate when people use the term "EPIC", but there really is no other way to describe just how awesome Megan's exit was:

Way to go out Megan!! Tatianna, Norman Gentle, Adam's Ring of Fire, and Megan = BEST AI SEASON EVER! Suck it Simon!

Oh and then there was this insanity:

I'll confess I don't know much about this Lady Gaga person all the kids are listening to these days. I've heard her name mentioned a lot over the past couple years, especially when Christina Aguilera ripped off her gimmick that time, but I've never actually seen a Lady Gaga performance. Wow, that was pretty amazing. It kind of reminded me of those weird alternative videos they used to show on 120 Minutes. I sure hope we get to see a Lady Gaga/Adam Glambert duet on the finale.

Happy Friday!

2009-03-27T09:24:00.002-04:00

Here's one for all the TwitterTwats out there (I'm talking to you John Mayer):

Asshat Idol - Top 10- Motown Week

2009-03-26T12:46:00.002-04:00

It's too bad that everyone was pretty good last night on American Idol. Not really any trainwrecks, well unless you count Paula.

Oh Paula, don't you know you're supposed to live above the influence?

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:

It's a tie -

&

Congrats to Allison for kicking everyone in the face for that bottom three bullshit last week and to Adam for continuing to be the most interesting contestant this show has ever had. If there is any justice in the world these will be the final 2.

MOST AWESOMELY AWFUL PERFORMANCE:

Not as awesomely awful as her past performances, but still pretty bad. But fun. Megan may be in trouble though, so she cawled upon her fans to vote! Hopefully they did enough to keep her beautiful feathered head around another week.

DOUCHE ALERT!:

Danny Gookey decided that he didn't need to listen to Smokey Robinson's advice because he's too much of a douche. Hopefully this will piss everyone off and the pimping will finally stop.

NOW AUDITIONING FOR DREAMGIRLS 2:

EVERYONE ELSE:

Bottom 3 predictions: Oil Rig guy (what the hell is his name?), Blind Scott, and Megan (NOOO!)

You're pissing me off Kathy!

2009-03-26T12:31:00.001-04:00

Kathy Griffin shopping with Paris Hilton? WTF?

Jennifer #1 Sexiest Woman in Hollywood?

2009-03-26T12:15:00.004-04:00

Jennifer Aniston has topped Details Magazine's new list of Hollywood's Sexiest Women.

The top five is:

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Megan Fox
3. Gisele Bundchen
4. Frieda Pinto
5. Kim Kardashian

Hmmm, no Angie?

Very funny Jen!

SOURCE

Hey, remember Jamie Lynn Spears?

2009-03-26T11:40:00.003-04:00

Britney's sister has reportedly called off her wedding to babydaddy Casey Aldridge. However, despite rumors of infidelity in the relationship, the couple is still together.

A source told OK! magazine, "The wedding’s off. They are still in love, living together and very happy, but they have no plans to get married. Jamie Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and piece of paper."

The source also added that Jamie Lynn is going to quite showbusiness once and focus on being a mother: "She has told friends and family she’s never coming back to Hollywood. She feels that part of her life is over. Jamie Lynn enjoyed every minute of doing Zoey, but since she’s had Maddie, her life has changed completely. She's happy being a real hands-on Southern mother and hopes to continue that for years to come with Casey right by her side. Jamie Lynn knows she needs to make a living when she grows older, so she’s already discussing her career options with advisers. She wants Maddie to grow up in comfort."

Career options = look for Jamie working the register at the local Piggly Wiggly. Good for her!

Ok, so that's one down......

When Celebrities Go to McDonald's - The Pharrell Williams Edition

2009-03-26T11:38:00.001-04:00

Pharrell>>>>>Ashlee Simpson

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next American Idol

2009-03-24T15:50:00.004-04:00

So the damn President decided he's going to make some damn speech tonight which means no American Idol until tomorrow night. BOOOO!!! Damn issues and shit.

However if you're jonsing for another outrageous Adam Glambert performance, you don't have to wait until tomorrow. This one's everything you'd expect it to be, and then some. And then some more:

"Put it in me Scott!"

2009-03-24T11:51:00.005-04:00

You know tv's getting pretty bad when you talk more about the commercials than actual shows.

About a week ago, I mentioned that fucked up cell phone commercial with the pigs eating a pig but Quiznos new commercial for their new foot long torpedo tops that. Let's watch the adventures of curious Scott and the hot slut known as Mr. Toaster.

Damn, anybody got a ciggie? I do feel a little gypped out of money shot though. You know there was a version of that commercial with mayo shooting out of the torpedo.

However, still, not better than this one:

Quiznos is so whacked, I want to get a job in their advertising department.

John Mayer is a TwitterTwat

2009-03-24T10:47:00.008-04:00

So Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up. Again.

The latest rumor is that Jenn dumped John because he was too obsessed with Twitter (STILL DON'T GET THAT SHIT!)

A source told U.K. magazine Star, "Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with updates! Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. She was like, ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ He didn’t deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she ended things, he just said OK, and he was sorry it didn’t work out.”

You can read John Mayer's Twitter here. Here are a few examples of John's twats:

the man is dressed in a teal polo shirt and is eating an ice cream cone by way of cocking his head to one side and spinning across tongue.

We know 'fight or flight' but in a civilized society we rely more on "posture" and "submit." It's a psychic war. When 2 rise, when 2 give in

Seriously, let me get the spread gun. You're better than me and I need it. There it is... hold on, let me... DICK!!

Today, let's get out there with 30 lives!! UP UP DOWN DOWN B A B A SELECT START!!!! Let's go people!! Let me get the spread gun, please.

This crap reminds of that kid in high school (everybody had one) that always made such an effort to so bizarre and eclectic by writing random shit like Sonic Youth lyrics on their book covers or the chalkboard but you could tell they were trying way too hard and were actually just a total attention whore.

By the way John, it's UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START dumbass!

SOURCE

This next song goes out to Paris Hilton...

2009-03-20T12:35:00.006-04:00

I recently saw Papa Roach live for the first time and I've gotta say, they're pretty damn awesome. I never really gave them much credit before and they surprised the hell out of me at that show.

Here's a video off their upcoming album, Metamorphosis (comes out next Tuesday, March 24th) , it's called "Hollywood Whore" and it's my new favorite song. At the show, lead singer Jacoby Shaddix dedicated it to the lovely Paris Hilton-

Be warned though, around 2:50 it gets a little Raiders of the Lost Ark scary, but it's awesome.

"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya honey!" I think I love this dude!

Asshat Idol - Top 11 - sorry so late

2009-03-19T13:50:00.007-04:00

I'm starting to wonder if this is even necessary this season because I feel like every week I'll just be posting Adam and Megan's performances.

In case you're one of the two people that hasn't seen Adam Glambert's amazing rendition of "Ring of Fire" or if you insist you hate it but just can't stop yourself from watching it one more time, here it is, complete with Randy Travis protesting wayyy too much:

It's like this dude slipped America a cosmo/roofie/acid cocktail and then slipped them something else up their collective conservative ass. And it freaked everyone the hell out because it was so strange yet incredible and it BURNS like a motherfucker!!. Which is awesome, especially after 8 seasons of this show. The closest we came to this was Sanjaya or maybe that time Fantasia performed, but it's clear now that they were just the warm-up acts. People are all "Johnny Cash is rolling over in his grave." No he ain't, he's loving this shit. He covered Nine Inch Nails for Christsakes.

On to my other favorite girl, Megan Joy (apparently she dropped the Corkery-- Which makes me wonder, is she afraid of people calling her Corky because of her awesome dance moves? Which then makes me wonder, do people even still use "Corky" as a politically incorrect putdown for someone who displays characteristics resembling that of a mentally challenged person? Cause that show was a long time ago. I know lately people just go with "retard." And they are all going to hell. Where Adam's "Ring of Fire" is currently on permanent loop). Anyway, Megan had the (bird) flu this week so instead of imitating robins and crows, she took it to the farm and did a goat impersonation. A lady goat. Full of milk.

Then last night on elimination night, TPTB over at Idol tried to punish Adam for his awesomeness by making him think he might be in the bottom three, but everybody knew it was going to be Allison. I mean Alexis. Allison was in the bottom three too though. And that oil guy.

Allison, I mean Alexis was the lowest vote-getter and attempted to sing for the judges' new power of veto, but she "just wasn't good enough" so she went home with the most awesome bitchface ever.

ASSHAT OF THE WEEK

2009-03-19T12:41:00.003-04:00

It's one thing for the inconsiderate fuckheads at TMZ to cream themselves over every detail of a horrific tragedy, we expect that by now. But shoving cameras in the faces of a grieving family? That's bad taste, even for them.

Asshat of the Week runner-up goes to Liz Smith for selfishly attempting to stay relevant by blabbing details of Natasha Richardson being taken off life support yesterday.

The whole thing is terrible and sad enough and it's really disgusting the way these leeches are treating it.

RIP Natasha.

Asshat Idol - Top 13

2009-03-11T13:21:00.003-04:00

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:

Hands down, Jorge Nunez with "Never Can Say Goodbye." This is one of those unforgettable American Idol moments where you know you're watching a star being born. The excitement of the song, the awesome stage presence, everything about it was just incredible. Just wow!

Yes, I'm kidding.

I just wanted to see if anyone fell for that before I posted this:

Black, white, man, woman, gay, bi, whatever, we all bought into it, just admit it. How could you not? This kid's got some big balls and I bet they sparkle. Not to mention vocal chords. Shit, can we finally have metal night, because I wanna hear him do some Maiden. What didn't he do? If you watch closely, he even did that thing at the end where he morphed into all the different people (OMG- Tyra?!!) The only thing that would have made this performance better would be if he did that little rap in the middle that Macaulay Culkin lip-synched to. Still, Adam Lambert will save this season from being a complete snoozefest, one song, tube of glitter, and eyeliner pencil at a time.

Somewhere Nathaniel Marshall is crying, realizing Adam is what he failed so miserably at trying to be.

ALSO AWESOME:

Even more than Allison's great performance and the marvelous faces she makes, is when Simon told her to "lighten up" (on her song choices) to which Allison responded "It's not like I cut or anything." (unfortunately not in the above video) Love!

MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:

Remember last season when Carly sang "Blackbird" and all hell broke lose because Simon hates songs about birds? Well Megan Corkrey has two words for Simon and they are, "CAW!! CAW!!" It was the perfect cap to her Sesame Street worthy performance of "Rockin' Robin" complete with chicken dance choreography. That was some pretty amazing shit right there.

NO ANOOP!!!

Anoop totally blew what could have been an awesome performance of "Beat it".

I fear for our Slumdog Idol. Also in trouble, Jasmine the Disney Princess and any guy who is not glamoriffic, blind, or a pathetic dead-wife pimper.

What. The. Fuck?

2009-03-10T12:31:00.005-04:00

Do you ever wonder how the fuck some of the things we see on tv come to be?

Like, really think about it?

Like, somewhere in the not too recent past, a bunch of advertising executives were sitting around a conference room table trying to think up ideas for a cell phone commercial (yes, that's what it was!) and they can't think of anything and finally one guy's like "I GOT IT!! Cannibal pigs!" And the rest of the people are like "THAT'S IT!!!"

So then they bring it to the cell phone company that hired them and they're all "So our idea is these pigs. Sitting in a restaurant. Eating...wait for it....PORK!" And the cell phone company people are all "THAT'S IT!! WE LOVE IT! WE'RE SURE TO SELL LOTS OF CELL PHONES WITH THAT!"

So the cell phone company gives the advertising firm the money and they hire people to build the sets, do the voiceovers, CGI the pigs, get the props, work the cameras, and edit the commercial and while this is all going on, not one of those people is like "Is this for fucking real? Do they really think this crap is going to get people to buy cell phones?"

And then the commercial is complete and the company goes to buy the airtime and shows the commercial to the network and the network is like "That's cool, we'll run it!"

Seriously, think about that shit.

She bleeds just like us!

2009-03-10T12:25:00.004-04:00

Angelina Jolie fell yesterday while filming her new movie, spy thriller Salt in Washington D.C.

Very funny Jen!

Want some hot Idol action?

2009-03-10T11:36:00.007-04:00

Idol really didn't think this one through.

When they selected a top 13 this year instead of the usual top 12, somebody forgot to check to make sure they owned the number 1-866-IDOLS-13. Turns out, they don't.

Who does? Apparently some hot horny girls that want to talk to you. The message goes on to say "Lie back baby, relax and get ready to met real local students, housewives and working girls from all over the country. Hot horny girls calls free all day and night because we love nasty talk as much as you do," before asking for your credit card.

As of now, the number still has that message. Not sure how Idol's gonna handle this one. There's a rumor that they don't need the number because one contestant will be given immunity (also something that's never been done before). Guess we'll have to watch and find out.

Of course, I had to see for myself, so I called the number, and it's for real. I do have to say though, it's nice to see that former Idol contestant Haley Scarnato has found some work.

SOURCE

In other Idol news, the kissoff song for this year has been revealed as Carrie Underwood's cover of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home."

Seriously:

Bad Swedish meatballs or did he finally listen to St. Anger?

2009-03-09T12:07:00.004-04:00

Metallica had to cancel a show in Stockholm, Sweden yesterday after singer James Hetfield was rushed to the hospital minutes before they were set to perform.

Drummer and band asshole Lars Ulrich made the announcement to the disappointed fans, saying that Metallica were "truly, truly, truly sorry."

James' spokesperson said that he caught a stomach bug Sunday and also suffered dehydration. He left the hospital that evening and has since returned to the United States with the rest of the band.

SOURCE

Ring in a box

2009-03-09T11:54:00.004-04:00

Justin Timberfuck was recently spotted shopping for diamond rings at a jewelery store in New York, leading to speculation that he and girlfriend of two years, Jessica Biel, are going to get engaged soon.

There are even rumors that the two are already planning to wed this summer in Italy and are even looking at venues. A source told British newspaper Metro, "They both like the idea of marrying in Italy in the summer."

Well I say good for them. I hope they go on a really long honeymoon so we could get a couple weeks without a Timberfuck cameo on Saturday Night Live. I mean really, they should just put him in the opening credits. As if that show didn't suck enough.

SOURCE

They grow up so fast!

2009-03-09T11:38:00.005-04:00

So weird. I was just watching "School of Rock" yesterday and then today I found out that the kid that played Zach was busted for underage DUI last month. What the hell? Those kids aren't supposed to age, let alone grow up to be dumbasses!

17-year old, Joey Gaydos Jr. released an apology to TMZ.com:

"Some of you may have seen video footage of me on shows like TMZ, or your local news regarding an unfortunate incident I had a few weeks ago.

The first thing I would like to say is, I made a HUGE mistake, and I really regret my actions. What I did was wrong, and all I can say is, I'm sorry to anyone I may have let down, I'm only human, and we ALL make mistakes.

To everyone who has supported me through this I would like to say, THANK YOU, it really means a lot."

Sounds like he's not letting the man get him down.

For the love of Kimberly's wig!

2009-03-09T11:24:00.004-04:00

Is nothing sacred? Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has reportedly signed on to star in the upcoming Melrose Place remake on the CW.

Ashlee will play "a small-town girl who arrives in Los Angeles with a big secret." How original! Whatever could this big secret be? That she had a nose job? That she doesn't really sing live? That this show is gonna suck?

I'm sure an Olsen twin will be cast next.

SOURCE

There is still hope for American Idol Season 8

2009-03-09T10:11:00.003-04:00

Even though the beautiful, talented, and humble Tatianna Del Toro is no longer part of American Idol, there is one contestant who will save this season. And that contestant is Anoop Desai!

I really didn't care much for Anoop until his awesome Wild Card Performance of "My Prerogative" last week:

But I really love him now after someone showed me this performance of Anoop's college acapella group:

Let's hope the trend of loving Indians this year continues through this season of American Idol!

She's Baaacccckkk!!!

2009-03-05T09:18:00.003-05:00

I literally jumped up and cheered last night when Tatianna Del Toro was given a spot in tonight's American Idol Wildcard show.

Let's relive the awesome moment:

Simon pointed out earlier in the show that Jennifer Hudson was brought back as a wildcard pick in her season. I'm sure Tatianna will follow in her footsteps and be the next AI contestant to go on to win an Oscar. I mean, she deserves one already for her performance last night!

Let's see Tatianna's reaction after the show last night:

Not everyone's happy about the news though, here's what Adam Lambert had to say:

SHUT UP ADAM!

So everyone out there, even if you don't watch American Idol, watch the Wildcard show tonight and make our beautiful goddess's dream come true!!!!

(NOTE: For all the idiots out there, those last two videos were impersonators.)

Asshat Idol - Top 36- Group 3

2009-03-04T10:35:00.005-05:00

First off, since I didn't post on last week's show - NORMAN GENTLE WAS ROBBED!!!! Once again America got it WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG!!!! Now we can only hope to see him again on the Wildcard show, along with Tatianna. Hey, they can do a duet, just like on that awesome show Superstar USA. Remember that? That show ruled, I'd rather watch another season of that than this season's AI with the way this year's top 12 snoozefest is turning out. At least we're getting some highlights along the way though . Which brings me to:

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:

Hands down - Alex Wagner-Trugman. This could be a scene out of American Pie. Like if Jason Biggs suddenly accidentally finds himself up on a stage and the band leader's like "Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues." And then he stumbles through it to try to impress the Band Camp girl.

Seriously, how could you not root for this lovable dork? I love the part in the beginning where he goes "I can be your boyfriend tonight." Oh yes you can, baby.

MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:

Somebody watched Mamma Mia one too many times.

YOU ARE A LIL' LOCK, YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS:

At one point during her song, Lil' Rounds changed the lyrics to “Call this show if you just can’t be without me.” Way to copy Norman. You forgot to hump the logo though.

Also, three kids at 23??!!! Watch out Octomom!

WHAT THE FUCK?

The outfit, the headband, the awesome dancing, Meatloaf!!

All of it pales in comparison to Nathaniel's Grandma:

Go Granny! I voted for her.

Tune in tonight to see Lil' Rounds, Blind Scott, and Jorge: The adorable Crying Puerto Rican (TM Paula) go through to the Top 12 and more importantly, to see how they incorporate Blind Scott into the cheesy group song and dance number!

Hulk Hogan is even more delusional than we thought

2009-02-24T11:43:00.004-05:00

Hulk Hogan recently told the Los Angeles Times that he was sent the script for the lead character in The Wrestler but passed on the movie.

He went on to say, "I don't think the public could have handled it, though. Just made me realize after seeing the movie with Mickey Rourke that if someone does the real Hulk Hogan movie, you better hang on for the ride, brother."

He continued, "[The movie] Made me realize how shock value - that just the drop of reality - can have an effect on the public. It was wrestling light. Very light version of wrestling."

If that wasn't enough, Hogan, then went on to give advice to Mickey Rourke on appearing at Wrestlemania (which after last night's episode of Monday Night Raw, looks like it is going to happen.)

Hulk said, "You don't want to jade your performance or have the Hollywood community look at you like, 'you sold out."

(I'll pause while everyone laughs over the idea of Hulk Hogan giving advice on not selling out.)

He went on to say that it was because he continued wrestling that he was never accepted by the Hollywood community and never able to become a legitimate movie star like Dwayne "Don't call me 'The Rock' " Johnson.

Yeah, that's why. Not because of dookie like this:

SOURCE

Scarlett's pissed

2009-02-24T11:24:00.003-05:00

Looks like Woody Allen has a new muse. Woody has cast Slumdog Millionaire (anyone heard of that movie??) star, Freida Pinto his latest film.

Also on board for the unnamed project, Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, and Sir Anthony Hopkins.

And not Scarlett Johanson!

Hopefully this will turn out better for Freida, than Pink Panther 2 did for fellow Indian actress Aishwarya Rai.

And don't feel too sorry for Scarlett. She still gets to come home to this:

SOURCE

Octomom's Mother - "I think she's crazy too!"

2009-02-24T10:35:00.005-05:00

RadarOnline posted a video of batshit Nadya Suleman arguing with her mother. Those lips really start going when Octo loses her shit when her mother suggests giving up the babies for adoption.

Anyone else smell a sitcom? It's the next Kath and Kim!

Oscars 2009

2009-02-24T09:33:00.006-05:00

Sorry, I had a bit of an Oscar hangover yesterday. So, hopefully everyone watched, but just in case you missed it here's the Oscars in a nutshell:

Thankfully, the horrible Hugh Jackman/Beyonce!/High School Musica/Beyonce!/Mamma Mia/Beyonce! number was not included in that highlight reel. Baz Luhrmann needs to go into the "Never Be Allowed to Stage An Oscar Performance Ever Again" file right next to Debbie Allen. (Sorry Baz, I still love Moulin Rouge!)

They actually did do a pretty classy thing this year by not cutting off any of the winners speeches with the annoying music cues.

However, they made up for that display of class by tackily teaming Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black (AKA Angelina Jolie's costar in Kung Fu Panda) as presenters for the sole purpose of getting a Jen/Angelina reaction shot:

Ugh, I have to say, well played Jolie. Poor Jen looked so nervous!

Sadly, the Best Actor win was an upset, with Sean Penn winning for Milk, however that may have been a good thing because I don't think Mickey could have topped the speech he gave the previous night at the Independent Spirit Awards:

In other Oscar news, doctors are preparing to remove the giant growth from Jessica Biel's gown. We wish them the best.

For more Oscar fashion : check this out (because I'm lazy)

The 1st Annual Assy Awards

2009-02-19T21:54:00.019-05:00

On this Oscar Eve, we'd like to welcome you to the 1st Annual Assy Awards. However in honor of this year's big movies, I think it's appropriate to call them the Kill Your Assy Awards. Seems like every film that came out this year was a major downer. So in recognition of just how freaking much we all wanted to slit our wrists after watching these films, we'll start with our first category:

MOST DEPRESSING MOVIE MOMENT OF THE YEAR:
(Caution: these nominees contain spoilers, so if you haven't yet seen or have had these movies spoiled for you, skip to the next category.)

And the nominees are:

Home Abortion Kit: what could possibly go wrong? - Revolutionary Road

Wait a minute, this movie was actually really fucking sad. That cute Bollywood dance routine at the end doesn't change that! I mean, that Marc Anthony looking fucker BLINDED a little boy!- Slumdog Millionaire

"Whoa, I finally realize that killing hundreds of people is worse than being illiterate. I've gotta hang myself right now, but how will I ever reach my noose? Oh yeah, I can climb up on all these books! How ironic and dramatic!" --The Reader

"Hey kid, I'm broken down, washed up and have no real friends, wanna play an old Nintendo game from my glory days in my trailer? You could even tell me how much it sucks compared to new technology."-- The Wrestler

It's bad enough they killed the dog, but did they have to draw it out for So. Fucking. Long? - Marley and Me

And the Assy goes to:

Comeon now, everybody knows there is nothing worse in a movie than when a dog dies. Especially when they trick the public into thinking the movie is going to be a fun, sweet, holiday film for the whole family. To be fair, I didn't actually see it, but come on, the dog DIED. I'm sure parents everywhere that had to comfort their hysterical children on the ride home from the theater will agree with this choice.

Ok everyone, put the razor blades down, yes you too Randy the Ram. Let's lighten things up a bit, huh?

MOST AWESOME QUOTE IN A MOVIE:

"Did I ever tell you I was stuck by lightning seven times?" - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"Then Kurt Cobain had to come along and fuck it all up" - The Wrestler

"We are going to go on a big boat." - Revolutionary Road

"You never go full retard." - Tropic Thunder

"Get off my lawn" - Gran Torino

And the Assy goes to:

"GET OFF MY LAWN"

Gotta give it to Dirty Bunker in Gran Torino. That was the only moment in that wretched movie worth watching.

MOST AWESOME MOVIE MOMENT:

Nixon drunk dials David Frost and loses his shit - Frost/Nixon

Randy the Ram blades himself --on a deli meat slicer! - The Wrestler

Paris Hilton's face falls off - Repo! The Genetic Opera

"The End" - The Reader

And the Assy goes to:

Paris Hilton's face falling off in Repo! The Genetic Opera. It really doesn't get much more awesome than that. Well, maybe if her genitals fell off too (and that wouldn't be much of a stretch for Valtrex girl). Congrats Paris!

MOST POINTLESS SCENE IN A FILM:

DISHWASHER RACE!!! - Rachel Getting Married

Sex scene #32: WE GET IT ALREADY! - The Reader

Clint Eastwood gets a shave and buys a suit... AKA: Foreshadowing sequence for all the idiots that can't see the ending of this movie coming a mile away. - Gran Torino

What the fuck? Brad Pitt shrunk down to a baby? I was buying this curious shit until this crap!- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

And the Assy goes to:

The dishwasher race in Rachel Getting Married. TEN FUCKING MINUTES OF THIS SHIT?!!!! I stuck through it because I was really hoping that appliance would go bad like in the horror classic "Attack of the Killer Refrigerator":

but sadly, it didn't.

MOST AWESOME MUSICAL PERFORMANCE IN A FILM:

Randy and Pam's duet to "Round and Round" - The Wrestler

The groom randomly serenades his new bride with Neil Young - Rachel Getting Married

The awesomely awful vocal stylings of Pierce Bronsan -Mamma Mia!

"Zydrate Anatomy" - Repo! The Genetic Opera

And the Assy Goes to:

The movie sucked, but this song was pretty awesome (yes, even with Paris). Plus, that Graverobber dude was hot.

NOTE: Unfortunately, "Dah Duh Dah Duh Dah Duh" by Christian Bale was deemed ineligible for this year's Assy Awards since "Terminator: Salvation" has not yet been released, otherwise it would have been the clear winner.

BEST MOVIE ABOUT DOGS:

Marley and Me

Hotel For Dogs

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

And the Assy goes to:

My reasoning is this:

Marley and Me is definitely out for reasons stated above.
I didn't see Hotel for Dogs
Beverly Hills Chihuahua is about the greatest breed of dogs

Best Use Of a Guns N' Roses Song In a Film:
(You knew I was gonna go there)

"If the World" - Body of Lies

"Welcome to the Jungle" - Death Race

"Sweet Child O' Mine" - The Wrestler

And the Assy goes to:

"Sweet Child O' Mine" in The Wrestler!! Since it was the only movie of those three that didn't suck! Which goes to show that even GN'R can't save a sucky movie.

Here to perform the winning song is 1988 era Guns N' Roses. (Because it's my awards show):

Best Use of Shit in a Film:

Jamal really, really wants that autograph - Slumdog Millionaire

Sucks to be the camera guy - Zach and Miri Make a Porno

And the Assy goes to:

It's a tie! Because there just weren't enough shit scenes in movies this year:

via videosift.com

Best Boobs in a Film:

Kate Winslet - The Reader

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler

Zoe Kazan - Revolutionary Road

Meryl Streep - Doubt

And the Assy goes to:

Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler. Kate's won enough awards, and sorry, but about a half hour into The Reader, I was yelling at her to put some damn clothes on. Marisa rocked those B cups and at 44, she looked better than a lot of women half her age.

And no, I didn't read the wrong name off the card!

Oh yeah, also, I was kidding about Meryl Streep.

Best Supporting Actor:

The guy that got struck by lightning seven times - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Ron Howard's brother as the camera guy- Frost/Nixon

Diego Luna as Harvey's annoying boyfriend - Milk

Verne Troyer as Benjamin Button as a baby - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

And the Assy goes to:

Verne Troyer as baby Benjamin Button!!

What?

That wasn't Mini Me? No shit?

Ok, well I guess that was a mistake. Verne wasn't in the movie. So we are going to give the Assy to Ron Howard's brother in Frost/Nixon, because let's face it, that film ain't gonna win anything tomorrow night.

Best Supporting Actress:

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler

Amy Adams - Doubt

Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Rumer Willis - The House Bunny

And the Assy goes to:

Rumer Willis in The House Bunny!! Because Rumer gets a lot of shit, but this scene in The House Bunny ripped off Forrest Gump way better than the entire 2 1/2 hours of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. (sorry it's dubbed, it's the only one I could find. It makes it kind of artsy though.)

Best Actor:

Mickey. No joking here, he better fucking win tomorrow.

Best Actress:

Again, no reason even nominating anyone else, Kate Winslet for her performance at the Golden Globes. Not only did she act soooo surprised and humble, but she referred to Angelina Jolie as "the other one." You rule Kate!

Best Picture:

DUH!

Thank you so much for attending the 1st Annual Assy Awards! To take us out, in honor of Bruce Springsteen's snub, here is a medley of overlooked Oscar songs throughout the years:

See you next year!

America got it wrong....WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-19T08:31:00.010-05:00

Last night on the American Idol results show, the first three members of the top 12 were chosen.

After Alexis Grace and Michael Sarver (why?) took the first two chairs of victory, it came down the goddess that is Tatiana and douchebag dead wife pimper Danny Gokey for the final two spots. After dragging it out "after the break" solely in hopes for a Tatiana meltdown, here's how it went:

Hey, Danny's friend: Cue the photo of Danny and his dead wife! Classy!

I can't believe America bought into that shit. So fucking wrong!

It really, really pisses me off. So much so, that I'm having a hard time putting it into words. So at this time, I'd like to introduce our special guest, WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Edge, to tell America just how fucking wrong they were to put Danny through instead of Tatiana.

I think that sums it up pretty well. Thank you Edge.

At least Simon agrees:

Fuck you Danny Gokey. Watch him pull some Kanye West at the 2008 Grammys bullshit.

Hopefully we haven't seen the last of Tatiana and she will be back for the wild card show.

Oh, and hey Michael "I'm a nice guy so put me through" Sarver, THIS is how you sing "I Don't Wanna Be":

If Norman Gentle doesn't get through next week, I don't know what I'm going to do.

AWESOME PHOTOCHOPS COURTESY OF VOTEFORTHEWORST.COM - well, I don't know about the courtesy part, I just kind of took them, but I am giving credit so I think that's pretty courteous.

Asshat Idol - Week 1 - Group 1 of Top 36

2009-02-18T13:40:00.007-05:00

I don't even know why I am bothering after the suckfest that was last night. Let's just get this over with.

WORST PERFORMANCE:

Pretty much all of them were big fat failure turtles, but Casey Carlson butchering the Police was probably the suckiest:

(sorry, couldn't find a better video)

BEST PERFORMANCE:

Gotta give it to Seacrest.

SIT THE FUCK DOWN RANDY, PAULA, and WHATEVERYOURNAME IS, HE AIN'T THAT GOOD:

Danny "Have I told you about my dead wife lately? No? Well, let me tell you my sad story as I sing a sad song and point up to the sky dramatically." Gokey. Ugh. Of course he's going to make the top 12 and he's going to irritate the shit out of me every damn week.

PS - Robert Downey Jr. called, he wants his look back.

WHAT ABOUT TATIANA?

Know what? She didn't suck as much as most of the others. Someone obviously told her to take the crazy down a notch, but it had some weird results. After she was done with her song and Ryan was interviewing her on the couch (not sure if she was on the hard part) the drama came back a little and she pled to America to vote to make her dream come true.

And I did!

It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you with no place to go

2009-02-18T13:08:00.004-05:00

Hey, remember Rockstar:INXS? Think......

Ok, well, INXS have kicked winner J.D. Fortune out of the band, and apparently he's homeless now. (Is anyone else surprised that they were even still together? They had that one album, toured, and then we never heard from them again.)

Fortune, real name Jason Dean Bennison, recently told Canada's Entertainment Tonight how INXS delivered the news that he just wasn't roit for the band after all. JD said, "I was in an airport (in) Hong Kong and literally got a handshake. They said, 'Thank you very much.' I found myself really alone because I had traveled with these guys for 23 months. I don't know where I am going from sofa to sofa, from night to night. I am trying to get through my life."

JD also confessed that the firing might have been the result of his cocaine addiction, adding, "It got as bad as it needed to be for me to numb out the fact that I knew this was going to come to a screeching halt." He also says that he has been clean for two years.

Look for JD to appear on the next season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

RIP Loki

2009-02-18T12:51:00.002-05:00

"Sometimes when a man’s alone, all you got is your dog.”

This is so freaking sad. Mickey Rourke's beloved Chihuahua, Loki, has crossed over the Rainbow Bridge before getting to see her best friend win an Oscar.

Loki was 18 years old and died yesterday morning.

Mickey flew Loki to Italy for the screening of The Wrestler at the Venice Film Festival last year. He explained, "Loki is the love of my life. My dog is very old and she is not going to be around for long so I want to spend every moment with her."

Excuse me a minute..........I have something in my eye.

SOURCE

More bullshit with Nadya Suleman

2009-02-18T12:38:00.004-05:00

"All lies. I have no interest in her. None," she says. "I've never been a fan of anybody famous. Now I kinda have a taste. But it's not being famous – it's being infamous. It's a nightmare." - Octomonster desperately trying to keep her name in the news by still denying that she is obsessed with St. Angelina.

By the way, if anyone out there is bummed that Nadya's donation website is closed, have no fear!! Donate to this guy!

SOURCE

Aren't the 15 minutes up on her yet?

16.9 Billion? Oui!

2009-02-18T12:30:00.002-05:00

Belated congrats go out to Salma Hayek and her billionaire babydaddy Francois-Henri Pinault who wed in a small ceremony in Paris this past Saturday (Valentine's Day).

PEOPLE will reveal details of the wedding in their new issue. Salma wore white, carried red and white roses, and said her "I Do" in French.

An attendee told the magazine, "The bride was extremely beautiful, even when she was crying tears of joy. They were extremely happy."

Salma,42, and Francoi, 46 (not a typo) have been dating on and off for three years and have a daughter together.

Ca-ching!

Wham rocks!

2009-02-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

I just heard this this morning and it's my new favorite song! I'm usually skeptical when bands cover 80's pop songs and make them heavy, but this one's pretty damn awesome. Ok, I'm a sucker for when bands cover 80's pop songs and make them heavy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Chris Brown speaks (sort of)

2009-02-12T14:26:00.002-05:00

Chris Brown has broken his silence on The Incident by posting an update on his private Facebook page.

The entry reads: "You'll begin to see her true colors. Believe it!"

Note to Chris, her true color is not blue. That is the color people turn when you cut off their oxygen supply.

Chris also changed his relationship status to "single." That's right ladies, he's available!!!

SOURCE

Carly 2.0 OUT!

2009-02-12T12:33:00.003-05:00

American Idol's top 36 were just announced last night and already there's SCANDAL!!!

Joanna Pacitti (left), the contestant that already had previous recording contracts with A&M and Geffen and who also forgot the lyrics several times in the Hollywood rounds, has been replaced with Felicia Barton (right) for unknown reasons.

Ever since Joanna's first appearance on the show there have been many "ringer" screams across Idol fanboards.

All FOX is saying is: "It has been determined that Joanna Pacitti is ineligible to continue in the competition."

The cause of the disqualification is rumored to a conflict of interest due to Joanna's "private relationship" with executives of (The Evil) 19 Entertainment. Get your mind off the casting couch! Joanna reportedly once resided in the same apartment building as 19 executives Roger Widynowski and Michelle Young.

SOURCE

In more important Idol news, Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle made the Top 36!!!

WWE gets another "Punk"

2009-02-12T11:52:00.007-05:00

Even though the deal with Mickey Rourke appearing at Wrestlemania fell through, the WWE is still getting an Oscar nominee to appear on their programming. Ok, that's not true. But they are getting an Oscar winner's fiancee to appear on their programming.

David Otunga, aka Soon-To-Be-Mr.-Jennifer-Hudson, aka "Punk" from I Love New York 2 has signed a developmental contract with the company. He will be training at the Florida Championship Wrestling facility in Tampa.

Speaking of I Love New York, a while back there were rumors that New York herself, the lovely Tiffany Pollard was also in talks with the WWE. That still has not been confirmed. Oh please let this be true, she is perfect for the WWE! I could just picture her in a feud with Vickie Guerrero. "Excuse me!" "No, excuse ME!" "No, excuse ME bitch!" And then the Boogeyman could show up and stuff worms down both their big mouths!

SOURCE

Also, while I'm on a wrestling post, I'd just like to say welcome back to my boy Christian who made his WWE return on ECW Tuesday night!!!

God, I missed that smirk! (although not enough to watch TNA)

Michael's latest disease

2009-02-12T11:35:00.004-05:00

Michael Jackson used to come out with new albums. Then he'd come out new body parts. After that, he'd come out with new criminal accusations and lawsuits. It seems like his latest thing is to come out with a new disease every few months. If you remember, in the not too distant past there were rumors that he was suffering from some fatal lung disease. Then those rumors were shot down and we didn't hear much more about them.

Now there are reports that Michael has contracted a potentially "flesh-eating" superbug.

SUPERBUG!!

Michael allegedly got the infection while having his 73rd (rough estimate) nose surgery. A source said: "The infection has spread throughout his face and body and is being aggressively treated by doctors. There's a chance it could turn into a flesh-eating disorder where it begins to kill off his skin, so he's being very carefully monitored."

Michael was recently seen leaving a clinic, where he is allegedly being treated for the MRSA-like bug with an IV drip, wearing a surgical mask.

Celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn commented : "It is possible that Mr. Jackson has a staph infection or MRSA. "In some worse cases surgeons will have to remove the infected tissue if it dies - leaving the patient needing major reconstructive surgery. It is particularly worrying if it's on the face."

See you next time when Michael is rumored to have gangrene!

Superbug's cute, isn't he?

SOURCE

Please no!

2009-02-12T11:18:00.003-05:00

Limp Bizkit have announced that they are reuniting with the band's original line-up. They will reunite after eight years with a tour and a new album.

Fred "hire me as an actor" Durst and guitarist Wes Borland issued a joint statement:

"We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other. Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back."

Ok, first: Limp Bizkit is back because they need money and they know there are morons out there that will pay money to hear "Nookie."

Secondly, they're disgusted with the state of heavy popular music? Limp Bizkit is a very large part of the reason why music sucks so much today. Once that shit got popular, no one even bothered putting out decent music anymore.

SOURCE

Can you say uncomfortable?

2009-02-12T11:13:00.002-05:00

In case you missed it, here's Joaquin Phoenix's "appearance" on Letterman last night:

Jay-Z is not pleased

2009-02-11T16:48:00.003-05:00

As soon as the Chris Brown/Rihanna story hit, everyone's been saying "Ooh, Jay-Z's gonna kill that boy!"

While Jay-Z (Rihanna's mentor and/or ___) hasn't commented publicly on the incident yet, a source told Usweekly that Jay became enraged when he got news of the assault.

According to the source:"He hit the roof. Chris is a walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew."

SOURCE

Bullshit with Nadya Suleman

2009-02-11T15:41:00.005-05:00

"I have never thought of Angelina Jolie except the last time I saw one of her movies. I think that was years ago. It is so far away from the place I'm in right now to think of think of any celebrity." -- Nadya Suleman aka Crazy irresponsible octuplet welfare mom on her creepy obsession with being Angelina Jolie.

Umm?
I bet the sperm donor just happened to look just like Brad too.

SOURCE

ASSHAT OF THE WEEK

2009-02-11T15:03:00.002-05:00

No surprise here.

Say goodbye to your career (and hopefully, your freedom) you piece of shit!

Because I Got High: Michael Phelps Edition

2009-02-06T12:14:00.004-05:00

(hit play and sing along with the lyrics below)

I was gonna swim the race, until I got high
I was gonna win it and take first place, but then I got high
But I already got eight medals, so why even try? (why man?)
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high

I was gonna do some laps before I got high
I coulda' backstroked and freestyled fast, but I got high
Now my gills will fester and I know why, (why man?)
'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna make a protein shake, until I got high
I was gonna watch my fat intake, but then I got high
Now I got the munchies and want a pizza pie
Does Dominos
still have
the 5-5-5?

I was gonna sign some autographs, but I was high,
I was gonna pose for photographs, but I was high
Instead I’m on my couch watching Bill Nye, (who man?)
The Science Guy
The Science Guy
The Science Guy

I made a public apology, because I got high
I said I was ashamed and sorry, because I got caught--I mean high
Now I'm losing all my endorsements, and I don’t know why
I just got high
I just got high
I just got high

I really wasn’t planning to smoke that infamous night
I was just hanging out with some folks and I was shy
They passed that bong my way, gave me a high-five
(and yelled!)
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!

I'm not putting on my spandex thong, because I'm high
The only water’s in my bong, because I'm high
And I don’t give two shits, wanna know why? (why man)
'cuz I'm a rich guy
I’m a rich guy
So I’m getting high

AXL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU I LIKE YOU

2009-02-06T09:44:00.004-05:00

Hard to believe but our leader turns 47 years young today!

I pretty much exhausted every video and clip of Axl during my Greatest Moments in Axl History countdown a few months back, but I was fortunate enough to find a couple gems by typing "Happy Birthday Axl" into the searchbox on YouTube.

This one made me shed a tear:

But that's nothing compared to this one titled : "AXL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU I LIKE YOU"

I know right...

Beautiful!! ! And no, that's not me. I wish I could say it was, but unfortunately, I will never be that gorgeous and talented. The emotion is breathtaking. I, for one, do not understand how that cardboard cutout didn't spring to life when she kissed it, you know like in Mannequin. Still, what a performance. It's just really too bad that the people she keeps tied up in her basement didn't sing backup because that really would have put the lotion in the basket.

Let's go Balistic!

2009-02-06T09:25:00.003-05:00

Sorry, sorry. I went MIA again. Not really, I've been here, I was just lazy. But today I decided to check back on my blog and I'm so excited because I actually got a comment on my last post!!!! I have readers!!!! Well, a reader! Ok, technically it's spam, but I don't care, I'm invigorated! Watch out Perez and Dlisted, soon I may even get a comment from that millionaire dating site!!

I feel like dancing!!! Let's all (and by "all" I mean me and that spambot if he's still around) dance to my new favorite song. Of course I'm referring to "The Christina Bale Dance Remix (What don't you fucking understand?) "

I know you've all heard this already, but it's so addicting, it must be played again.
Seriously, you could tell me this was a real song and I'd be like "cool, is it new KMFDM?"

Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle will save American Idol!

2009-01-30T15:27:00.004-05:00

Well, maybe not since there's no way in hell he's going to make the top 12, but he did save last night's episode from being a complete snoozefest like all the other audition shows this year were.

For the love of Grayskull!

2009-01-30T14:56:00.007-05:00

The latest 80's cartoon most likely to be ruined by making it into a live-action movie is..... He-Man!!!

Warner Bros has teamed up with filmmaker Joel Silver and director John Stevenson to make a new Masters of the Universe film. No one has been cast yet.

Those of us over the age of 30 may remember that there already was a He-Man movie back in 1987 with Dolph Lungren as He-Man and Oscar nominee Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon) as Skeletor:

No word on whether Marc Anthony has signed on for the role this time around (I know, sorry. Cue collective groan).

Hey, I wonder what my She-Ra doll thinks of this.

"They better not have the fat bitch Jessica Simpson play me or somebody's gettin' cut!"

SOURCE

Um..What is Heidi holding??

2009-01-30T14:48:00.002-05:00

If you didn't say "towel", you have a very sick mind!

The Mom Jeans Hall of Shame

2009-01-30T13:38:00.005-05:00

Jessica Simpson's been getting a lot of flack for her weight gain and many believe the culprit is the godawful Mom Jeans she wore to that chili cookoff (BTW If I were the winner of that chili cookoff, I'd be so pissed right now that no one's even talking about me!!)

Now of course Jess has packed on a few as evidenced here by another poor, poor style choice (can somebody please call Stacy and Clinton already??):

But even there, she doesn't look quite as large as she did in those wretched jeans.

No one, I repeat NO ONE, looks good in those things:

Here's Kim KardASShian, who came to Jess's defense and said that she looked "hot" , probably because she thinks she also looks hot in her same exact pair.

Here's Scarlett Johanson wearing nearly the same outfit as Jessica.

Of course, fellow size 2, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Mischa Barton looks like shit in them too!

JUST SAY NO TO MOM JEANS!

Mickey out of Wrestlemania (for now)

2009-01-29T16:23:00.007-05:00

Mickey Rourke's spokeswoman Paula Woods announced yesterday that Rourke will not wrestle WWE superstar Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 25 as previously announced.

Woods wrote in an email: "Mickey was very honoured to be asked as he has the greatest respect for WWE however he will not be participating in Wrestlemania. He is focusing entirely on his acting career."

Sounds like someone's fearing a Norbit-like reaction from the voting Academy to Mickey's appearance at at the event.

Seems they forgot to tell Chris Jericho though, who appeared with Mickey on Larry King Live in-character taunting him for their match.

Of course, this could all be a huge work and Mickey may appear at Wrestlemania after all---once the voting for the Oscars has closed. Who knows? I just want to see him win the Oscar.

Poor Jericho, a lot of non-wrestling fans will probably think he was for real and that he's really that much of an asshole.

Also backpedaling, and may I say rather harshly, is Evan Rachel Wood, who denied that she made out with Mickey after the SAG awards.

Evan told Rolling Stone: "I'm upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I'm single doesn't mean that you can take advantage of me. It's unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions."

Just so everyone was clear, Evan added, "I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."

OUCH! Low blow!

Hey Evan, you do realize people believe that rumor mostly because you dated Marilyn Manson, right? And how old was he again??

SOURCE

UPDATE 1/30 - Vince McMahon has issued a statement to E! Online saying that Rourke will appear at Wrestlemania: "I am pleased that Mickey Rourke will be in attendance at WrestleMania to support the WWE Superstars who support him and the film in which he stars, The Wrestler. "
SOURCE

Now, a message from our sponsor

2009-01-28T11:22:00.007-05:00

Many of us are having a snow day today due to the winter storm that's wreaking havoc on the Northeast(I always wanted to use the term "wreaking havoc!"). You know what that means! Getting some household tasks done and other productive things? Hell no! It means hanging out in your pajamas, drinking Baileys hot chocolates, and watching trash tv!

While doing so I've noticed some truly awesomely awful commercials they play during the day.

My personal favorite is for a product called RePHresh (Get it? it's like "refresh"?). For when your vagina feels really stinky, even after douching. It looks like one of those fake Saturday Night Live commercials but apparently it's for real.

The best part is at :12. That lady rules. She's like "Can you smell what my vagina is cookin'?" Then they all do the fresh vagina dance.

Speaking of dancing, if you want to learn how to dance like a ho, there's Flirty Girl Fitness!

Check out one happy Flirty Girl Fitness customer! It really works!!:

We can't talk about awesome commercials and not mention SHAM WOW!

SHAM WOW's especially come in handy when you have an accidental spill in your home meth lab!! Vince can attest to that!

Finally we have the Bissell vacuum cleaner commercial starring the amazing Mr. Jiggles:

I truly believe that that black and white dog framed Mr. Jiggles. Go back and look at the way he's smirking at Mr.Jiggles while the lady yells. That dog better watch out for Mr. Jiggles will have his vengeance!

LEAVE JESSICA ALONE! SHE'S A SIZE 2 DAMMIT!

2009-01-28T10:25:00.004-05:00

Ashlee Simpson has posted a reaction on her blog to the recent critism of her sister's weight gain since photos of Jessica performing at a chili cookoff in horribly unflattering mom jeans last Sunday surfaced online.

Ashlee wrote:

"I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?

I seriously doubt it.

How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter."

Wait a minute... I'm all for Ashlee sticking up for her sister and all but did she just say that Jessica's a size TWO? Nobody believed it when Jennifer Love Hewitt said it and nobody's believing it now either! I guess there is a different standard for celebrities, since they all say they are a size two when they aren't.

Ok, listen. By insisting that you are a size two when you are clearly not totally negates the point you are trying to make about being accepted for the size you are! Why is this so hard for these morons to get?

And you know Ashlee is secretly loving this after all those years of being Jess's less famous, less pretty sister. (You're all thinking it, I just said it!)

John Mayer is no Stuart Smalley

2009-01-28T10:05:00.003-05:00

.. or as funny as he thinks he is. He is an attention whore though.

In a homemade video he posted on YouTube yesterday, John plays some kind of motivational speaker. It's a like a bad SNL skit, but maybe a tiny bit funnier (which really isn't saying much). So people are making a big deal about it because he mentions "The Curious Case of Benjamin Bratt" starring you know whose ex. Could be, but seems like more of a dig at Benjamin Bratt because everyone assumes he's calling Brad a brat, and forgetting that there's actually a guy named Benjamin Bratt.

I did like when he quoted that song from The Karate Kid though.

You disappoint me Mickey

2009-01-27T13:13:00.008-05:00

Of all the big award season movies, my favorite has been The Wrestler. (See it, now!) Everyone knows the story by now: big wrestling star from the 80's-- twenty years later: broken down body, broken family, and just plain broke. It was a very real and beautifully tragic character-driven film and Mickey Rourke was absolute perfection in the role.

Part of what made the movie so great was the way it showed how the (without actually naming names) wrestling industry chews up and spits out it's "products." How for every Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin, there's dozens of "Randy's": addicted to painkilers, wrestling at the local high school, and bagging groceries for minimum wage.

So of course, when WWE chairman Vince McMahon first heard about the film, he requested a private screening. Director Darren Aronofsky never revealed what Vince exactly said, but a source close to McMahon was quoted as saying "the word 'negative' isn't strong enough to describe Vince's reaction. [This is] no surprise because Vince's vision of the 2008 image of wrestling and even fading stars directly contradicts what The Wrestler accurately portrays." SOURCE

Since then, the film has received tons of critical acclaim and Mickey won a Golden Globe and has been nominated for an Oscar.

And it seems Vince has now changed his tune. He recently publicly praised the movie and there is even a feature about it on the WWE website where past and present wrestlers talk about the film. Well you know what he likes to say, "It's all about the mon-ey." As well as publicity.

Now he's even managed to get Mickey Rourke to sign on to appear at this year's Wrestlemania in a feud with Chris Jericho. Mickey hinted at it at the SAG Awards last Sunday and last night Chris cut a promo against Mickey on "RAW":

The whole thing troubles me. And I'm a wrestling fan! It's just weird. It would be like Kate Winslet publicly endorsing illiteracy and Nazi's.

I can't fault Mickey too much though. He's riding a huge career high and he knows how those things go up and down so he's taking everything that's coming his way lately (including the Iron Man sequel), but I don't know, it just doesn't seem right.

Another thing that just doesn't seem right? He's reportedly messing around with Evan Rachel Wood. Now again, you can't fault the dude too much. This is another example of things coming his way that wouldn't usually (and she does likes the freaks, you know). But she plays his freaking DAUGHTER and it's gonna kind of ruin that whole awesome scene for me a little bit now.

Not to mention, what is The Academy going to think of all this stuff? Sean Penn better start writing his speech.

In related news, Meryl Streep was recently spotted making out with the kid from Doubt and will face Beth Phoenix at Wrestlemania 25.

"I'll show you who the real Glamazon is!"

Look everybody!! Britney's controversial again!

2009-01-22T10:37:00.005-05:00

So there is a big hoopla of Britney's new song called "If You Seek Amy." The controversy is over the way Britney pulls some Miss Susie Had A Steamboat type shit with the line "if you seek amy." See, it sounds like something else when she sings it really fast.

Sound it out.

Get it?

Ok, it sounds like "F-U-C-K-me" (Insert sigh, eyeroll and "oh Britney" here)

So now that radio stations are threatening to ban the song, Britney has released a censored version where the word "seek" is changed to "see"--which makes the line “All the boys and the girls are begging to If You See Amy" sound even stupider.

SOURCE

Oscar nominations

2009-01-22T09:46:00.003-05:00

The nominations for the Oscars were announced this morning. Pretty predictable, though there were a few surprises.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins -THE VISITOR
Frank Langella-FROST/NIXON
Sean Penn - MILK
Brad Pitt - THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Mickey Rourke - THE WRESTLER

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin- MILK
Robert Downey Jr. - TROPIC THUNDER
Philip Seymour Hoffman - DOUBT
Heath Ledger - THE DARK KNIGHT
Michael Shannon - REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway - RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
Angelina Jolie - CHANGELING
Melissa Leo - FROZEN RIVER
Meryl Streep - DOUBT
Kate Winslet - THE READER

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams -DOUBT
Penélope Cruz - VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
Viola Davis - DOUBT
Taraji P. Henson - THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Marisa Tomei - THE WRESTLER

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
BOLT
KUNG FU PANDA
WALL-E

Achievement in Art Direction
CHANGELING
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE DUCHESS
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Achievement in Cinematography
CHANGELING
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE READER
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Achievement in Costume Design
AUSTRALIA
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
THE DUCHESS
MILK
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Achievement in Directing
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
FROST/NIXON
MILK
THE READER
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Documentary Feature
THE BETRAYAL (NERAKHOON)
ENCOUNTERS AT THE END OF THE WORLD
THE GARDEN
MAN ON WIRE
TROUBLE THE WATER

Achievement in Film Editing
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
THE DARK KNIGH T
FROST/NIXON
MILK
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
The Baader Meinhof Complex
The Class
Departures
Revanche
Waltz With Bashir

Achievement in Makeup
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
THE DARK KNIGHT
HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
DEFIANCE
MILK
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
WALL-E

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)
WALL-E"Down to Earth"
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE"Jai Ho"
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE"O Saya"

Best Motion Picture of the Year
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
FROST/NIXON
MILK
THE READER
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

COMPLETE LIST

Ok, first of all,

And secondly, WHY THE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SNUB? Are you fucking kidding me?

Thank you for being a friend

2009-01-21T10:52:00.003-05:00

So check out this ensemble that St. Angelina recently wore to the premiere of The Long and Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Germany:

Hey Angie,

Dorothy Zbornak is not pleased and will cut you!

And then a hero comes along....

2009-01-21T10:27:00.003-05:00

Sit down Tom Cruise, Amy Winehouse is today's hero!!

While on her vacation in St. Lucia, Amy noticed a woman thrown overboard after a sailing lesson gone awry.

39-year-old Louise Williams told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "I was bowled over by her kindness. She went out of her way to help. A six-foot wave caught the boat and I went flying and hit a rock. Amy was on the beach 20 metres away and she ran across immediately and said, 'Let's have a look at you.' She picked me up and took me across to the showers and was constantly asking, 'Are you all right?' Amy then helped Louise wash her cuts and wrapped her in dry towels.

Amy commented on the incident: "I thought she was going to die."

Ok, so Amy basically dried the girl off but hey, that's something.

Go Amy!!

SOURCE

Still not buyin it

2009-01-21T10:12:00.003-05:00

Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez used their appearance at the Inauguration's Western Ball to once again deny that their marriage is in the shitter.

Marc brought Jennifer up on stage to perform a duet with him, introducing her as "my wife." After their performance, they kissed and Marc commented "Man, she's cute" as Jen left the stage.

SOURCE

WTF...

2009-01-21T09:35:00.006-05:00

you talkin' bout bitch?

A woman and her son wait for the bus

Someone is darning a hole in a uniform

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice

This is Yale professor Elizabeth Alexander's inaugural poem for Barack Obama.

My thoughts are pretty much the same as the kid standing next to Michelle. "HUH?"

You know everyone's gonna be all "that was so inspiring and moving" because they want to sound smart, but she could have switched over to "Green Eggs and Ham" and I don't think many people would have have known the difference.

President Obama

2009-01-21T09:03:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a historic day. Congrats and good luck Obama (you've got a hell of a job in front of you!)!

Asshat of the Week

2009-01-15T11:14:00.004-05:00

Hey Seacrest, he's BLIND you dumbass!!!!

You know this is going to turn into a running gag. I can't wait for the finale show when Ryan pulls this with special guest Stevie Wonder. You heard it here first!

Ryan's working on an entire blooper reel.

I haven't seen a kiss this awkward since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie at the MTV awards. (Perfect music!)

Congrats Mickey!!

2009-01-13T09:55:00.004-05:00

I know I'm a day late to the party, but I just had to post Mickey Rourke's awesome acceptance speech for his (much deserved) Golden Globe for Best Actor. (This is the East Coast one with director Darren Aronofsky flipping Mickey off. Oohh, a middle finger!!) Best moment of the night (Kate Winslet referring to Angelina Jolie as "the other one" is a close second.)

I don't know how he did it, but Mickey stole my speech. I always planned to thank Axl and my dogs if I ever won an award.

Seriously though, everyone HAS to see this movie, even if you're not a rasselin' fan. I'm sorry I'm fantarding , but there is a reason for all the hype. He's THAT good. (So good, that you forget that Marissa Tomei is amazing as well.) You will never forget the character of Randy the Ram.

Plus, the soundtrack to the story rocks (including Bruce Springsteen's perfectly devastating theme) and the movie includes perhaps the best scripted conversation about music since the "Like a Virgin" debate in Reservoir Dogs.

See it, don't waste your money on that Gran Torino shit (now playing the role of Archie Bunker: Dirty Harry!)

Full list of winners and nominees

Support the Blackout Drunk!

2009-01-08T14:39:00.010-05:00

One of the best reality shows that nobody watched ended (hopefully only its first season) recently. That show was called Redemption Song and it featured eleven bitches who overcame tough times to give their singing careers a final shot (hence the name of the show) and win a contract with Geffen records. Sort of a low (very low) budget American Idol meets Rock of Love (without the washed-up douche in a wig). The problem with this show was that it aired on the Fuse network so hardly anybody knew about it (I stumbled on it one day while channel surfing). Which is too bad because had it been on VH1, MTV, or Bravo, it would have been a huge hit.

How could it not? The show had awesome challenges like making the contestants perform drunk or run up twenty flights of stairs, get all winded, and then perform a dance routine to Cold-Hearted Snake by Paula Abdul. I'm not joking. One time, they had to write and perform a rap where they called the other girls "hoes". Even cooler was the elimination process, when host Chris Jericho (WWE) would break their record (literally--each girl had an old-school 33RPM vinyl record and he would break them in half and say "You've been dropped from the label". To add injury to insult, sometimes the pieces of the record would fly out and hit the poor girl! ) Of course there also were a lot of awesome catfights, often involving food. But the best part was the captions they'd put under the girls' names during their confessionals, each one explaining their reason for redemption. Some examples included "Ran an escort service, "Former child star turned drug dealer," "Blackout drunk," and my favorite, "Once threw a girl through a window." Seriously, y'all missed a really awesome show.

In the end it came down to Angelica Rose and Mixi, aka "Former child star turned drug dealer" and "Blackout Drunk." Angelica had the better voice, but was really unlikable and committed the number one entertainment business no-no: Using the "N" word (she didn't call anyone it, but used it nonetheless. She then spent the rest of the series denying that she was racist.) Mixi on the other hand (she's the one with the Muppet on her head), wasn't the strongest singer, but was "the best performer" (aka -the most marketable) and won the contract.

They never actually explained the terms of the contract or what the winner received other than, you know, the contract, but Geffen apparently coughed up enough for Mixi to a real song and release a real video. And you know what? It's pretty damn catchy. A little Amy Winehouse, a little Gwen Stefani, a little Veruca Salt (whatever happened to them?) And they fixed her hair too! But I guess promotion wasn't included the mysterious contract, because other than Fuse (which, again: nobody watches) I haven't seen one thing advertising it. So here's my part, not that a whole lot of people read this blog, but hey, probably more than watched Redemption Song (yeah I'm counting on one hand)

Here's Mixi's song "I Miss Those Days":

Hi! We're only pretending to care!

2009-01-08T14:15:00.006-05:00

The awards season was kicked off last night with the People's Choice Awards on CBS. You know, the one where the public votes on the awards and the winners lie and say "This award means the most to me out of all them because it's voted on by you, the fans!" when it really means absolutely nothing to them because they think the public is a bunch of morons. Though, judging by some of these choices (not to mention categories), I can't blame them for thinking that.

Here are the winners:

FAVORITE MOVIE
* The Dark Knight

FAVORITE FAMILY MOVIE
* WALL-E

FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE
* The Dark Knight

FAVORITE MOVIE COMEDY
* 27 Dresses

FAVORITE MOVIE DRAMA
* The Secret Life of Bees

FAVORITE INDEPENDENT MOVIE
* The Secret Life of Bees

FAVORITE CAST
* The Dark Knight

FAVORITE MALE MOVIE STAR
* Will Smith

FAVORITE LEADING MAN (How is this different from Favorite Male Movie Star?)
* Brad Pitt

FAVORITE MALE ACTION STAR
* Will Smith

FAVORITE FEMALE MOVIE STAR
* Reese Witherspoon

FAVORITE LEADING LADY (how is this different.......?)
* Kate Hudson

FAVORITE FEMALE ACTION STAR
* Angelina Jolie

FAVORITE ON-SCREEN MATCH-UP
* Christian Bale & Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

FAVORITE SUPERHERO
* Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne/Batman

TELEVISION:

FAVORITE TV DRAMA
* House

FAVORITE TV COMEDY
* Two and a Half Men

FAVORITE ANIMATED COMEDY
* The Simpsons

FAVORITE SCI-FI / FANTASY SHOW
* Heroes

FAVORITE COMPETITION / REALITY SHOW
* Dancing with the Stars

FAVORITE GAME SHOW
* Deal Or No Deal

FAVORITE MALE TV STAR
* Hugh Laurie

FAVORITE FEMALE TV STAR
* Christina Applegate

FAVORITE TALK SHOW HOST
* Ellen DeGeneres

FAVORITE SCENE-STEALING GUEST STAR
* Robin Williams on Law & Order: SVU

FAVORITE TV DRAMA DIVA
* Kyra Sedgwick as Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson on The Closer

FAVORITE NEW TV DRAMA
* The Mentalist

FAVORITE NEW TV COMEDY
* Gary Unmarried

MUSIC:

FAVORITE MALE SINGER
* Chris Brown

FAVORITE FEMALE SINGER
* Carrie Underwood

FAVORITE GROUP
* Rascal Flatts

FAVORITE R&B SONG
* No One by Alicia Keys

FAVORITE POP SONG
* I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry

FAVORITE ROCK SONG
* All Summer Long by Kid Rock

FAVORITE COUNTRY SONG
* Last Name by Carrie Underwood

FAVORITE HIP-HOP SONG
* Low by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain

FAVORITE COMBINED FORCES
* No Air by Jordin Sparks featuring Chris Brown

FAVORITE SONG FROM A SOUNDTRACK
* Mamma Mia - Meryl Streep from Mamma Mia!

FAVORITE FUNNY MALE STAR
* Adam Sandler

FAVORITE FUNNY FEMALE STAR
* Tina Fey

FAVORITE STAR 35 & UNDER
* Carrie Underwood

SOURCE

Time to play : How old is Lindsay Lohan?

2009-01-08T13:23:00.002-05:00

A) 22

B) 32

C) 42

D) That's Lindsay Lohan? I thought that was a dude!

Sorry John, Barbara called

2009-01-08T12:40:00.004-05:00

TMZ reports that Tom Cruise is not attending his "friend" John Travolta's son's funeral today in Florida because he is in New York City taping an appearance on "The View."

Wow, for two people that are supposed to be friends, that's pretty unforgivable.

Even more unforgivable? Stalking someone's child's funeral like it's a goddamn movie premiere. Yeah, you TMZ!